Right now, I am taking driving lessons so I can actually operate a manual transmission; this is required to get a full British licence. I’m not doing bad at all, and my clutchwork is coming along nicely; on my instructor’s instruction, I’ve booked my test for the end of next month. And yet, every time I have a lesson? My brain freaks out, tells me to cancel it, and to find a corner to curl up and cry. Thanks brain, really… this is only us getting to a point where we will have freedom restored to on par before we moved here. I know, I know, I could take public transportation… but as I have an overwhelming need to be able to come and go at the exact time that I desire to, this isn’t viable. Add in my high levels of paranoia pertaining to having to wait, and yeah… no. Driving needs to happen. Driving will happen. Roundabouts will continue to lose their confusion and terror.
Past that, I’m trying to determine whether or not I’m heading into a depressive phase, or what. I feel I’m wallowing a bit, but not full-on either. I’m still crafting and thinking about writing (I swear, writing will occur again, ha ha. I very much want to finish my novel). I still wonder how I’ll ever be stabilized, or even what passes for stabilized. I’m lucky to finally be paired up with a doctor who fully appreciates that I am a cheerful and pleasant person, but I’m still worried it’ll hit a point where I’m still not hanging on, but that I will once again be a victim of my own self-control. It’s wearying, yanno? And I know right now, on the edge of my mind, is the ‘what is the point of this all’ lurks, waiting for a chance to make a significant strike.
For now, I can be happy I had a good driving lesson. I can be happy that I have a wonderful family both here, and abroad (my relationship with my mother is so much better these days). I can be happy that we are well off enough to afford the occasional nice thing if we so desire. I can be happy for the beautiful frozen spectacle Mother Nature has been making of the English countryside. And if this fekakkin’ cold ever lifts, I can be happy of my general good health.
Anyways, off to get some moisture-based Vitamin C in me, since both of these things will make me feel better physically.