Tag Archives: support groups

When you were going along just fine. You were on the precipice of having your regular schedule back at work after several months of working too much. You and your husband were getting along and not only that learning how to better work through disagreements and tough issues. You sister is having a baby in November(ya another baby to love on). Your daughter moved to town in February and you get to see her and her boys almost everyday. Your grandson says, “sure do” and you have to say “love you” back or he will keep saying it over and over. He is a precious gift. You started tanning again so maybe you can feel a little better about yourself. Then your son, your first born, tells someone that he is thinking about moving out and living with his Nena and Papa. I am officially thrown. I officially have a very tight hold on that last string that’s about to break. I want with everything that is in me to be mad at him, to make him stay, to tell my parents and the rest of my village that I will disown them if they help him. These are things that I WANT to do. I even told my family they couldn’t help him the day that I found out.

He’s 17 and will be a Senior in the fall. I want to keep him with me. I have been telling people for several months that I am in denial about him graduating. He’s my baby!! This wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and I don’t know how to behave if he is no longer in my house. I thought I had another year,I’m just not ready!!

Having said all of that I believe we do what’s right for our kids as well as ourselves. My son doesn’t really want to leave because he hates us. He’s just ready to be out and be a grown up. I don’t know how many people have an amazing village like I have but I know that, even when I hate it, I am blessed by and for having it. Most likely my son would go to stay with my parents. He would go to the same school, I can still go to his games and meets. And he can still come over once a week to eat with us and watch a TV show or movie. We really don’t want him to be unhappy. More importantly we don’t want him to end up leaving with all of us mad and then we lose the relationships we have. 

As for me…my heart is broken! Not because he may leave but because I love him so much! I had him a month after I turned 18 he has been there with me through everything always. He has a been a sweet, caring, and kind kid. He is growing into an amazing man and hopefully one day father of his own kids. I couldn’t be more proud of him. Of course he doesn’t understand what the big deal is. I actually haven’t really talked to him because I don’t want to come across as mad and I not want to be a crying baby either. I want him to know how proud I am and that it really is ok if he wants to move out. I will be ok, eventually. Right now I can’t even think about it, much less talk without tears streaming down my face and feeling like my heart will break. I wish I knew how to change it. How to make it better or easier somehow. I know there is probably isn’t an easier but I honestly have no idea how I am going to make it and keep going. Everytime I let myself reflect even for a moment my eyes tear up again. I have had to stop 3 times writing this because I couldn’t see through the tears. 

Being bipolar is only making this worse. It has to be. I can’t imagine every mother going through his intense feeling. If they do I have no idea how they made it. I don’t understand how you ever recover. Maybe you don’t. More than one in my life I have been so tired of being me. So tired of trying all the time. So tired of figuring out what the best thing would be. So tired of feeling things in a way that seems amplified and out of control.  So tired of feeling like I am watching myself be  a train wreck and having no ability to stop it. Actually I can stop the feelings, all I have to ignore them and go through life like a zombie. Who wants to do that? I have no desire to stick my head in the sand and pretend life isn’t going on around me. Hopefully time will allow this fear and sadness to lessen, as I’m sure I will always be a little sad. Hopefully we will be able to laugh and I will feel pride again instead of this sadness and fear. Please please hug your babies, spend time with them, even if it makes them mad. It is true that time flies!! It still feel like yesterday that he was a baby!!

Be blessed!!

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!