Author Archives: Sandra Glover

Had a decent appointment. Apparently Piportil works as a mood stabilizer as well. My pdoc upped the clonazepam to 2mg at night, switched me off dexedrine and put me on ritalin instead, and upped the Piportil dose to 75mg every 2 weeks. I see him next Nov 10.

Here’s the fun part.

Piportil doesn’t come in 75mg vials. It was either get two shots (one 50mg, one 25mg) or waste some of the 100mg. My GP is in charge of the Piportil, and he said he’d rather waste some of the 100mg, because its less needles.

So.. my pharmacy.

They got the 100mg in too late on Friday. Then there was a kerfuffle about my insurance card which I gave them on the 5th when I renewed a prescription. I left at 1pm. Dr B’s office was closed for Canadian Thanksgiving weekend.

Fawk.

The pharmacy called a walk in clinic and explained the dosage and whatnot, and I waited there for an hour, got my shot (3/4 of a 100mg vial, or 1.5mL, easier to measure in mL).

But I BLEW UP at my pharmacy. I was PISSED. I later apologized, but FUCK, seriously, get it RIGHT. And they’re “the best” according to my docs. I’d hate to see the worst!

Oh well, its over now.

The new 75mg dosage, up from 50mg, really knocked me out for a bit. I got home and cuddled under many blankets (Piportil makes me more sensitive to the cold) and then after the lovely sedation (quiet mind, just relaxed) wore off, I had to bring my roommate to the ER because she got kicked by a horse.

The doc there was an ASSHOLE. I felt terrible for her.

I slept well last night.

I fell off my horse today just goofing around. It was pretty funny. I wish I had it on video.

That’s about it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all the other Canadians out there!

Ugh, I’ve had insomnia since I started dexedrine. It’s put me into a bind, because I have to take Seroquel at night, and when I get up, I’m drowsy, so I take dexedrine. Even when I took myself off the dex I couldn’t sleep. At least I can function now. I’m still hypomanic, and its fun, but I really need to be on a mood stabilizer.

Medz Check

Let’s see. we switched back to Piportil depot (50mg every other week, IM) because the Consta wasn’t doing much for my psychosis. I’ve had one shot since re-starting and am much less paranoid and twitchy and stuff.

Clonazepam, 1.5mg/day. Artane, 5mg/night (for side effects from Piportil, as its a typical antipsycotic. The artane also helps me sleep). Dexedrine 10-20mg/day depending on how bad my attention or insomnia is.

I see my psychiatrist, Dr N, next Wednesday (the 8th) at his new practice. I haven’t seen him since May. He’s actually called me personally a few times. I feel spayshul.

I just turned 30. Happy birthday to me! I’ve been riding, raising the jumps slowly.

Here are my doodles. A couple zen-tangles and I forgot to upload my zen-dangle (lazy) and my name in rainbow. I’ve been doing it when I can’t sleep.

I like abstract because I can make it mean whatever I feel like. This was my “yay, I’m 30 and bored” tangle. I got a LOT of birthday wishes.

I haven’t shaded this in, but its a random zentangle. I just scribbled on the paper and filled it in. I can’t draw, this makes me look almost talented (ha ha ha!)

This I started last night and finished this morning. It’s my name (San) done in zentangle form. I only used a couple tangles.

I love zentangles. I’ve been doing them for a bit and it’s fun. It’s something I can do and make look good, without having any artistic talent (no offence anyone, but I cannot draw to save my life). It’s pretty relaxing.

So that’s what’s been doing on. I really need a mood stabilizer. My obgyn wanted to put me on bromocriptine (even though my prolactin is normal) because I don’t have a period. Haven’t had one since February. It works opposite of antipsychotics and one side effect is “hallucinations”, and well, fuck, I hallucinate enough without a med helping it. My pharmacist and I decided not to fill it.

I don’t want a fucking period anyways. I have endometriosis, and they’re hell. I had a tubal ligation in 2011 (and have only cherished it, no regrets here!) because birth control makes me batty if its hormonal and copper IUD + endo = a big fucking ball of pain. Enough about my stupid body. I lost a lot of weight. It’s hard gaining it back. I lost my period when I hit 100lbs. I’m at 107 now. I don’t have an eating disorder – it was the Topamax (who wants to bet I’ll end up back on it?) and it caused me to lose almost 60lbs in 6 months.

Oh well. I need to update more. I’m working on a schizophrenia myths article, but I’ve been lazy lately. Also working on a memoir.

Well, my old psychiatrist, Dr N, is coming back. I see him in October sometime, expecting a call from his secretary next week to book an appointment. Awesome.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’d sleep every other day, pretty much. My GP, Dr B, put me on Seroquel, 25mg at night, and it was fairly useless. Switched to temazepam, 30mg, at night, and its working so far. I know the stuff poops out pretty quick on me, so I hope to get in with Dr N ASAP so I don’t have to keep bothering poor Dr B. He’s probably so sick of my calls! He gets +10 CHA on putting up with me. Maybe STR and CON as well! (D&D joke)

Haven’t been riding as often. Lost my nerve a bit after the show. I’ve been riding a friends horse and jumping him higher than I’ve jumped since my accident in 2011. I rode Sully yesterday. This is what we did. (As well as some cantering with no reins and having my arms out to the side, like an airplane)

Sully’s a good boy. I just need some confidence. If I find some AAA batteries, I’ll bring out my helmet cam and take some video with that. I love helmet cam riding.

I’ve got therapy with my gender therapist tomorrow, then I’m going riding. Yay.

Medwise.. well, I’ve been manic a lot. I’m tapering off of Cipralex (Lexapro for those from the US) and my mood isn’t as elevated, I’m on 10mg right now, and done with it next week. But my moods been elevated. The Risperdal Consta isn’t killing my psychosis the way the Piportil did. I’m still having breakthrough psychosis, mostly auditory hallucinations and paranoia.

I’m doing well, all things considered. Looking for a job. Rejection, rejection, rejection. Ugh. It sucks. Knitting, riding.

I’m down to Risperdal Consta (37.5mg every 2 weeks, IM), clonazepam (1.5mg/day), Cipralex (10mg/day until next Thursday, then 0mg, not having any discontinuation symptoms so far), Dexerine (20mg/day), Artane (5mg/PRN) and temazepam (30mg PRN). My anxiety is down, my moods are more stable, and hopefully the psychosis fucks off. My next Consta shot is the 26th.

I got a new laptop, my roommate and I took 2 cats home from the barn. The kitten destroyed my old computer mouse, which is funny (she killed her first mouse!) and I fortunately had a spare. I love kitties. Even evil ones, like my kitten. She kept smacking my guinea pig her first couple days here. Poor piggie. He didn’t react. He’s very patient.

I kinda want to get on Haldol Dec, or back on Piportil. Add a mood stabilizer. Which one? Hm. Lithium gave me diabetes insipidus, lamictal gave me stevens johnson syndrome, epival (depakote) threw me into mixed episodes, gabapentin, I ended up in the hospital when I was last on it, last October (October 7-24), topamax, I lost too much weight.

I’m still underweight without a period. I have a bunch of appointments this week. Therapy Monday, ob/gyn Thursday, dentist Thursday (yay for nitrous oxide, I have 2 cavities, and I’m hugely denta-phobic)

Let’s see where things go when I see my new/old psychiatrist in the next couple weeks. This psychosis has to go. Hypomania is fun, but I want to sleep. My official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Dr B thinks it fits better than schizotypal PD and bipolar. He thinks they put the schizotypal PD dx on my appearance, which IS different, but not eccentric. I have a lot of piercings and tattoos.

I was told once “I see the schizotypal, but not the personality disorder”. That was from a nurse in the hospital last year. Is that a compliment? Eh? Weird.

I haven’t had a psychiatrist in a while, since Dr N left and moved to a different city. He’s coming back though, but my referral went through at the hospital, and I’m seeing Dr M again, next Wednesday. I liked him. I do want to read the report he wrote about me, for my GP, though.

I’ve got a part time job. I do IT for 2 small companies in a small city. My boss is sort of intimidating, but I’m getting used to it. I had last week and this week off because he was out of town, and the construction on the roads were so bad the places had to be closed. That would piss me off if I ran the place.

This is how I feel as an IT worker. Beats McDonalds though!

The Consta was increased to 37.5mg every other week. I’m on Dexedrine now. I have fun on the phone with the pharmacy earlier. I called to let them know I needed it for tomorrow (my pill organizer was empty, but I had dropped a couple pills in my med safe) and they called back going “You had a 30 day supply!” and I grabbed the (empty) bottle and read off the date, pills, and dosage. The Dexedrine is stronger than Ritalin in a smaller dose, and I find it very helpful. It doesn’t make me as anxious as the Ritalin did, either.

How I feel sometimes

I got an, “Oh. Let me look that up”, ad was proven right. I can pick it up on Friday. They always fuck something up, but they’re one of the better pharmacies, sadly. And they’re right across the street from me, its literally, walk down the stairs, cross the street, walk in.

I feel like this when dealing with my current pharmacy. However, it’s better than this:

How my last pharmacy made me feel

Thankfully, this hasn’t happened at my current pharmacy. It has happened at others. I give them an A+

The Consta shots I’m finding a bit painful, and they sometimes make a muscle in my poor butt twitch during. I’ve had a couple I haven’t felt, and two that haven’t been great. One of those was in my arm, ugh, that sucked. The pain isn’t terrible, and it goes away really quickly. There is no aching or soreness after if its your butt that’s stabbed, but arm is another story.

Sometimes I feel like this, too.

I had a horse show last weekend. I didn’t place at all (I was in a class of 20, and my horse was going full-speed-ahead) but i had a lot of fun and nearly died in the heat. It was almost 40C (110F) out. I was wearing full show gear.

Sully (“Sultan of Swing”) and I before our class.

Giving Sully a hug for being a good boy.

Sully says, “I’d rather go home and go to sleep”.

Isn’t he a cutie pie? He’s a 15 year old Trakehner and is lovely. He’s a sweet horse, he did chomp on my ribs one day while I did up his girth, and he’s great for confidence and has beautiful gaits. He’s such a sweetie, and a good boy. He knows who I am now, and he’ll knicker at me from the paddock, and come right to me. That’s because I spoil him!

So that’s about it for now.

Current meds:

Risperdal Consta for psychosis and mood stabilization. 37.5mg every two weeks, IM

Clonazepam for anxiety. 0.5mg 3x’s daily

Cipralex (lexapro) for anxiety, 20mg once a day, tapered down from 40mg

Artane for side effects, 5mg as needed

Vyvanse, 30mg, not taking it because it makes me BATSHIT.

I took Vyvanse the first day and it made me super irritable, restless and have the akathasia feelings. It was awful. It didn’t help my attention, either, I was even more easily distracted and couldn’t focus. Next day, same thing. Call doc’s office, get an appointment, take it today to see if its continuing and yes, it is.

I’m having urges to self harm, and I haven’t done that since May, 2011. It’s making me very restless. It’s hell. I hate it.

Fuck you, Vyvanse, and fuck my drug plan for not covering the med I need.

I wrote a book. Yes. I just have to finish editing it, make a cover page, and format it, and I’ll start distributing it. I’m working on a website for it, and will post the links when I get there. I’ve been busy lately.

I moved apartments, to a nice one bedroom, from a bachelor with a shared kitchen, and my friend (and owner of Sanderro Farms) Michele moved in. I’ve been going to the barn every day and I’m riding a new horse – Sully. He’s amazing. He’s a 15 year old Trakehnr and he is worth his weight in gold. I love him. Michele owns him and suggested I lease him. I’m so happy with him.

Psychiatric-wise.. my Lexapro is now 20mg. Its helping more at a lower dose. I’m still kinda hypo (manic) so I think dropping it more, or even getting rid of it would be great. Dr B got me in with an assessment psychiatrist who verified schizoaffective disorder as my current diagnosis, and changed the Lexapro (Cipralex in Canada) dose. He is referring me on to a permanent psychiatrist, and Dr B is very happy.

I saw Dr B on the 1st, before I moved (stressful day) for the Risperdal Consta shot. I told him arm sucked, and said to administer it in the bum from now on. He said “Wow, that’s a big needle!” after putting on the 20ga 2″ and I had to laugh. Good thing needles don’t bug me. It didn’t hurt. Or ache. Or anything, except do what the meds supposed to do – work.

The Piportil was given with, I believe, an 18ga needle, which is thicker than the 20ga (for example, an 8 gauge needle is fucking HUGE, and a 30ga is tiny, that’s how the gauge system works) and sometimes I felt it. The Risperdal Consta is so much easier and is less thick (Piportil was oil based) so its a painless injection (in the bum, at least). That, and Dr B is good at giving shots. Even the most painful ones don’t hurt much more than a pinch. It’s usually after that hurts. Everyone knows how their arm feels like after a tetanus shot. It’s not usually the needle itself!

Enough of my needle-obsessed rambling. I have no side effects from Risperdal Consta anymore. I can still reach orgasm *cough* uh, multiple times in a row, quickly. I don’t have prolactin issues. No psychosis. No pain, redness or swelling after the shot. No EPS, no TD. I have some mild restlessness, but take Artane as needed. The worst restlessness was after the first shot, getting adjusted, but now its pretty much gone.

Cognitively, I’m a lot better than I was on Dope-a-max  I still lose the occasional word, but that’s about it. I’m completely off Topamax now. I’m definitely not dull, I’m not sedated, I don’t have anhedonia. The dose might have to go up because I am a bit “up”, a little more than on a mood stabilizer, but I’m functioning well. We’ll see after I’m off Lexapro.

I’m looking for a job. I applied in person and online to 10 places today at the Transition To Employment office (well, my worker drove to the places to apply with me). We’re doing more next week. Living with Michele (awesome roomie!) has me on a routine. I can’t wait to start working. The schizoaffective disorder is well controlled right now. I’m stable, I’ve gained weight (no period yet, even though my prolactin was checked and is fine, but hey, I hate periods) and I’m a lot healthier.  I’m at 107lbs currently, up from 98, two months ago. This is my new “high”. People still say I’m “tiny” or “too small”.

I don’t fear I’ll gain too much weight. I’m eating normally. My body is adjusting to my appetite being back. I would wake up covered in cold sweat some days. Apparently that can be because the metabolism is readjusting. My weight fluctuates daily, but I exercise a lot, I’m eating better (thanks Michele!) and I don’t feel I’m going to gain a lot. The gain is slow, and has been relative with my eating. I’m not obsessing over it, when I was losing, I weighed myself a lot more and would panic when I saw the number go down.

Now I feel a bit “ah crap” when I see it go up, but also “Oh, good!”. I still need to wear a belt and a lot of my clothes don’t fit, but the weight will distribute eventually. I don’t feel my bones jamming into the bed as much. Weight gain is positive for me. I was told I’ll likely settle at my “set weight” of around 115-120lbs. I weigh myself out of curiosity now, not worry. Dr B is very happy I’ve gained weight. I look better.

My biggest downfall is my shoulder. It’s been killing me. I signed the forms with Dr A, a renowned ortho surgeon who is doing arthroscopic rotator cuff repair in 11 months. Surgery is a GO, but he has a waiting list. I couldn’t ask for a better ortho surgeon, though. He’s also very kind and not as gruff as the other ortho surgeons I’ve seen in my time (I’ve seen many througout my life). He answered all of my moms questions about the surgery, and was very thorough, and didn’t force me into a decision. He said if I change my mind, just to call.

Unfortunately, I ended up in the useless ER for shoulder pain 2 weeks ago. They gave me a shot of toradol (helped so much, until it wore off) and told me to see my GP. NSAID’s cause ulcers if used for long periods, and I hate narcotics. Dr B suggested Tylenol 3 at first, but I don’t want to risk tolerance and addiction, not to mention a simple T3 makes me woozy and I can’t drive or function much.

So he is giving me Tramadol. I know its an opiod, same strength as T3, but released over 24 hours. It works well so far. I don’t have the drunk-feeling side effects. I take 100mg a day. He said not to take more than 300mg, that 200mg would be best, but the 100mg is fine for me.

I have a horse show on August 16th. I’m showing in the Hack Division. It’s Road Hack (faster, they ask for extended trot and a hand gallop) to Show Hack (fancier, look good in this one) and then Pleasure Hack (long reins, relaxed horse, slower). Maybe I’ll win a ribbon! I’ve got my english garb together. I’m excited. So is Dr B! He’s excited about the show, and has never told me not to ride. I really appreciate his support.

My mom may be coming to the show (my SIL is due on August 14, so we’ll see) and is giving me a pin to wear on my blouse (on the neck, centre, front) for good luck. I hope she can come. I’m braiding Sully (he’s a light gray, so he’ll need a major bath!) and he’s going to look amazing.

That’s my life right now. Also looking for a D&D group to join with Michele. We might have a Pathfinder group set up. Awesome. I miss roleplaying. If you asked about my life on a d20, I’d say I rolled an 18 this week.

Ugh. I take 40mg of Ritalin a day (10 4 times, or 20 in the morning, 20 later in the day, sometimes more, sometimes less) and I get kinda delusional when it wears off.

The bottle says “Take 20-40mg daily as needed.”

I’m going to have to bite the bullet, get over drowsiness and taper myself down to 20mg. I can’t stand the delusions. I have PRN Haldol (5-10mg) and I’ve been taking it a LOT lately. Even with the Piportil injections.

I got freaked when they said Piportil was back ordered. I thought I’d have to switch injections, from something that works well, to something else, that I’d never tried before. It scared the shit out of me. Fortunately, my pharmacy contacted the manufacturer and they have a steady supply for me. The legal drug trade. The manufacturer gives my pharmacy the meds, then I give ‘em to my doctor, he loads it into a syringe, gives me a “quick shot in the bum”, and I’m good for 2 weeks.

I barely feel the shots anymore.. I’ve been having to ask “Uh, is it done?” or wait to see my doc throw the syringe into sharps before I pull my pants up.. It’s kinda funny. It’s not a painful injection, nothing like dropping trou and bending over for your GP. I had a different doc administer it on Friday (my GP was gone) and he kinda called out “DONE!” when he finished. It was like he was racing, so it was funny.. I need my GP to call out “DONE!” so I know when it is done.

That’s how non-painful it is. I’ll feel the needle go in, but there is no pain. Just a tiny prick and some pressure, then nothing. I don’t get redness, I don’t bleed, I don’t get sore after. I have no, or just mild (drier mouth) side effects from it. Life saver.

I do have Haldol for breakthrough psychosis though. I find if I nap during the day I get some, especially if I’ve taken Ritalin earlier in the day.

So, in conclusion, psychostimulants, even milder ones like Ritalin, can cause breakthrough psychosis. I see my pdoc on the 18th, in Toronto, so I’ll bring it up then. I take Wellbutrin for quitting smoking (aka, Zyban, and it’s going decently, have hit a few bumps and smoked a pack or two, but I usually throw the pack out after a couple smokes. The Welly makes them taste TERRIBLE.

I saw my new ob/gyn. Half the practice was in the room for the pelvic exam. I know some people feel more comfortable if a female nurse is present (my ob/gyn is male, and I like male docs over female. I have NEVER had a female doc or therapist I’ve got along with or even liked) and there was a med student too. That was fun, let’s have a pelvic party!

Long story short, I haven’t had a period since Feb because I weigh 98lbs from weight loss. I had a manic episode and the topamax is at 400mg now, I barely eat, but all my blood tests are normal. I had a battery of tests at the obgyn’s. He was very respectful, and fortunately, the only one staring at my ladybit’s. He’d just ask his med student questions. The med student and female nurse saw nothing.

I have endometriosis. We’re deciding what to do in September. Since I’ve had a tubal ligation, it doesn’t matter if I’m infertile. Apparently I’ve always had the endometriosis, and the tubal helped a bit because I’m not in the hell I used to be in during my period.. my obgyn kinda chuckled and said, “Good thing you aren’t having periods.. I mean,its not healthy, but you aren’t going through the pain. You do need to get them back, though”.

I still break out in acne around period time and my moods swing. Prolactin from my meds was ruled out.

I had a funny lab tech. While he drew blood, he read my tattoo: “The Devil and God are raging inside of me.” I said I got it because I’m bipolar (easier to say than “schizoaffective”) and he asked if there were 2 of me. I would have facepalmed but there was a needle in my arm.

Better than the lab tech that chatted so much with me, she stuck me, drew a while, pulled the needle out, bandaged it, then realized she had 3 more vials to fill, grabbed another needle, stuck me again and remembered to do ALL OF THEM that time. She’s lucky I’m not scared of needles and don’t bruise. She was also gentle, so it was pressure, not pain, and she hit the veins on the first try. It would been nice if she switched arms though. Enough bitching. She felt terrible and kept apologizing. I just said it was fine, she didn’t hurt me, needles don’t bug me. I felt bad for her!

So, at 98lbs with a BMI of 17.4, all my blood work (the damn sheets have been completely filled out, practically, many times, all tests done, extra tests added, I am in great health. Nothing has come back off, at all. That is a GREAT thing.

I see my pdoc on the 18th. I doubt I’ll be on Topamax (dope-a-max, I keep losing words at 400mg) anymore. I look like a stick. Yes, I’m bitching about losing weight. But when you drop 50lbs in 7 months, there’s a problem.

And I want to eat more. I pick at food a lot. I crave things and then can’t eat them.

So, goals.

• Get the Ritalin down to 10-20mg a day.
• Eat more.