Author Archives: learningtobebipolar

People like to think they want this. And most people like people who “shoot it straight” or “tell it like it is”. In theory this is awesome!! In theory those who tell it like it is should be listened to and respected simply because they live the truth. Many many things are just truth. They aren’t good or bad or anything really, just facts! 

Unfortunately, in practice people don’t like the truth. People don’t like confrontation, and people don’t like others who hold people accountable and demand something better.  No no one is perfect! Let’s establish that to start with. We should all live in a way that allows people to make mistakes but that also encourages them to grow. Just because I say to you something like “you aren’t doing that right” in context of work doesn’t mean I believe that person is stupid or incompetent it just means they need correction. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. 

The world often teaches us realists that there is something wrong with us. That somehow we don’t have the kindness and compassion of those around us. We often hear, “you shoot straight, and I like that, but maybe you could back it up just a little bit.” Or “I realize you can see things that need fixing but maybe you could say it without being so negative.” Well I am sorry that the true is so specific and factual. I mean what else did you want to hear from me. 

I have spent most of my life trying to be more nice. I thought it was important. I thought there was something wrong with me because I think the way I do and favor fact over kindness. Kindness is fleeting and it changes. Kindness can be faked and made into a lie. You pretty much don’t get that from people who are based in facts. I enjoy hearing others thoughts and outlooks and don’t get me wrong I believe God truly created us each differently for good reason. But I have never understood why people are so willing to accept kindness and less willing to accept fact. 

I am not a kind person. I don’t often do things just to be nice or kind. I do things for a reason and behind that reason is fact. I am nice to people all day in my job and I’m that way because I believe it makes a difference and because my tiny act can change a persons life. My comments can embolden or build up someone in no more time than it takes for most of us to eat a meal. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I remember making the CHOICE to do things and act in certain ways because they make a difference or change a life. Because they are factual and tangible and I can hear and see them. 

I love the people in my life because I want to because I make a CHOICE to. Not always because they deserve it. Let’s face it all of us don’t deserve it sometimes. But I tend to cut to the point with my love the same way I do everything else. If I love you, I love you! I will most likely love you forever, for those few who lost my love, I promise you they deserved not to have me. I make love a choice and when I make that choice it’s a fact. It isn’t something that changes or comes and goes. Even when I’m mad I love you!! 

When I walked into work today for the third day and thought “I hate people”. I knew I had a problem. Something is off and I hate it when I can’t figure out what it is. I wonder if my meds are still working, I wonder if my anxiety is just up because it is a busy time of year. By busy I mean more days than not I have way too many things to do. I truly don’t know. But I know that something has to give or I might just go ahead and completely lose my mind. Ok so maybe that isn’t going to happen but man don’t you just hate it when you can feel it coming. 

We have a responsibility to teach our children, even if we don’t WANT to, and we as parents have to keep tabs and track of the apps they have and are using. As a parent of an almost 18 y/o and 2 preteens I am adamant that kids will do the right things and use approved apps and such. Of course sometimes they wander so that is why I know all password for everything at all times. Or I can walk and their room and tell them to unlock it for me. If they don’t they lose said device or devices until they are ready to give the password. The very best way we protect our children is by being honest and explaining to them the dangers and things that can happen. 
I do not believe that we can protect our children. I believe it’s a nice thought and something that many people go to great lengths to do. I believe this is more harmful over a lifetime then allowing and helping our children to use social media at appropriate ages. My son at 12 plays games where they can talk to each other over a headsets. I don’t do a lot of monitoring at this point because he basically has played the same games the last 5 years or so. Plus, I firmly believe that our children, unless already exposed to bad behavior and situations, act like children. If they go to school and cuss all day long you will definitely here that coming out at home. They don’t have enough control to hide to much of anything. Or they can for a little while but the truth always comes out. 

I don’t know where as a society we got the idea that our children should be protected From everything we can possibly protect them from. We are raising children that are scared and that have no idea what they believe or believe in. The first time they are confronted with something they have never heard or thought of their path is changed, sometimes for a period of time, and sometimes forever. 

I recently allowed my daughter, who is 11, to get her own Facebook. We have clear rules and she knows what they are. She is not allowed to add anyone that isn’t a family members or a friends from school. Thankfully I know who most of her friends are anyway because I spend time talking to her and listening to her talk about her life. Do I think at some point in the future there will be issues? Of course I do. But I also know that she will have the consequences of choices she made. Not decisions that I made for her. Don’t get me wrong, I want to protect her. I want her amazingly kind and generous spirit to never get lost or run over by life. But the truth is it will, if it hasn’t already. I have to help her learn how to interact in society. How to contribute. How to stand on her own when necessary and be who she is. 

These are all things I don’t really remember learning but that I know my Mom must have taught me. Or that there are many of them that I had to learn on my own. I didn’t know that my expectations of myself were not taught to the next person in line. I had to learn the hard way that people are damaged and broken and that some of them are basically out to get you. 

Protecting your child from everything only gives them a false sense of happiness and safety. I truly believe it harms their growth and that when they get out there in the real world it’s like they are babies who don’t know anything. And they are quickly blown one way or another because they don’t know what they stand for. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. But I do expect people to listen to each other and consider other people’s perspectives. Odds are they didn’t come to those thoughts over night or easily. 

In the end I believe I am protection my children by teaching them and helping them make good choices at the place they are in now. My 17 y/o son is obnoxious and he tests me regularly. But I know that he loves me and I also know that there will come a day when he sees the strength that I have and the love that I have for everybody because I can see it in him. Of course, right now he hates and denies it. But I have learned to be patient and when it comes my reward will be great.  I also get to work at the same food place that my son works out. There is no greater compliment than to have multiple people tell you your son is a hard worker and seems to be a good kid. And it’s not just them it’s anybody that I know that has ever met him. Maybe people don’t agree with my thoughts and the way that my husband and I choose to handle our children. But having 4 amazingly talented, smart, and above all friendly kids is a pretty great thing. 

I am blessed that God found me worthy of these kids. That He trusted me to teach them and show them what it’s like to live a good life and stick up for those less fortunate. To do good and to love even the most unlovable because we all deserve love. 

Yes, we should do our best to protect our children. But we should also be teaching our children to make good choices, run from the things that will harm us, and surround ourselves we people who we love and that love us. There will never be a way from us to fully protect our children from the “bad” things in life. But we can do our best to teach them and to show how to handle these situations as they get older. So that when they are adults they have knowledge, ability, and courage to stand up for who and what they believe. And to KNOW what they believe and why so they don’t get swept away in the waves of life. 

Not sure if this all made sense. Was interrupted like 10 times. But I felt like it was important so here it is. Questions or thoughts are welcome!

I’m not sure if who I am comes through on here but here’s a story. I got a random text today from someone I didn’t know. Usually I just delete and block people. Today I read the message And it was obviously a woman worried about her kids. I texted back and said I’m sorry you got the wrong number but this seems important so I wanted you to know. She was thankful and said it is very important. I asked her name and told her I would pray for her and her daughter. I also told her I know how hard it is when our kids are making bad choices so if she needed to talk she could message me anytime. This isn’t the first time I have done something like this and I know it won’t be the last. I’m not afraid of true. I’m not afraid of understanding how someone is thinking or feeling, even when I don’t always agree. This woman needed someone it’s like I could feel it through the text. 

Also, yesterday I made a Facebook post about a lady I used to work with that I love. She was so good to me. Sounds totally normal right? Well, not 30 minutes after I got to work today who shows up in my window but that lady. Keep in mind she lives one the other side of town and I only work at the time I work today 2 days a week. 

I don’t know how many people in the world have things like this happen to them. But it’s amazing AND kind of scary and a LOT creepy. I don’t know if this happens because being bipolar helps me be more intuned with my subconscious or my emotions. I don’t know if I have a faith in God that allows what HE wants to come through to my real life. I just know for as long as I ca n remember there are just things that I KNOW sometimes. I will know I need to make a call or go see someone. Very few people have ever believed my “feelings” either. It’s not a psychic thing if that’s what your thinking. It’s like the lady I told you about. I haven’t worked for her in years and I was just thinking about her yesterday. I’m not sure why but I know there’s a reason I was thinking about her and I saw her today. 

I think that’s enough for one day. I will be trying to keep up better and letting y’all in on some of my life and secrets to staying stable. Be blessed and have a great weekend!!

I have had no less than 10 people tell me they are bipolar in the last 2 years!!obviously people do not understand what it really is. It’s not a feeling it’s a way of life. I get tired of the stereotype. I get tired that people would somehow diminish my condition by believing it’s just a mood swing or a bad mood. If you are bipolar and not medicated then go to the doctor and get yourself the help you need. 
I know there is no way that I could possibly explain the sometimes debilitating anxiety or the fact some days it’s all you can do to finish the day while you watch your family suffer because of you. I know that it’s not really that way. That they help me and love me because of me. Because of my caring heart and concern for people in general. I probably tell my husband some of the thoughts in my head about once week, just to see if it sounds normal or not. I like the fact that I can talk to him and that he will be honest with me but not be mean about it. I cherish him for this!!

A friend of mine and I were talking about being self aware and aware of your surroundings. She said, “well they say ignorance is bliss”. I have never really stopped to ponder that before but it is so true. If you have no personal experience and knowledge with our military you don’t worry about what it is doing and how our troops are treated. If you have no personal direct contact with someone who is truly bipolar or mentally ill you can’t possibly know what it is like. Both to be the sick person and to live and love the sick person. There are a lot of things I don’t have personal knowledge of and many of them I pray I never have to find out. 

On a personal note. My oldest son is now a Senior in high school. I have already decided I will probably be crying on the night of his first football game. I thought I might try to talk myself out of it but then I thought you know what it’s ok for me to shed a few tears for my baby. He is one of the most amazing people I know. He is kind, loving, hard working, and sincere and he is so funny when he wants to be. We work at the same place but at different times. Almost every person has told me that he’s a good worker and seems like a good kid. I did that. We did that. I will always be proud of how we have raised our kids and how amazing each of them is. I was unmedicated for 15 years of my oldests life. I may have have failed at a lot of things but I didn’t fail at this. I am excited to see what the future holds and all the great things that’s will happen. 

There are so many positives I can find for being Bipolar. But today isn’t one of the days where I have the strength to do that. I am sitting in my car crying because of something my boss said to me. And it really wasn’t even bad. I kind of feel like I am drowning and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m so pissed at my doctors stupid nurse who is a complete flake. As per the usual I am back on the merry go round and I hate it!! All I want to do is be normal. I want to have normal thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to have to TRY so hard just to do normal things. Like now. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure why. But it’s almost like the more I tell myself to get it together the worse it gets. I don’t want to be the person that people feel sorry for. I’m tired of blowing things out of proportion and not understanding what people are talking about. I’m tired of people feeling like they have to treat me with kid gloves. I’m tired of the way I do things being wrong ALL of the time. I’m tired of people thinking they know me or know better what I should be doing. All I want to do is live my life without the constant background noise. Without feeling the need to “fix” the things around me. Without feeling like I am hurrying to get somewhere, but there’s no where to go. I feel like I am probably missing out on right now because I am always onto the next thing. I am frustrated today for about a thousand reasons. This is not a good day!! But I will get myself together and go back to work and keep fighting. Even when I don’t really want to. 

I have this undeniable urge to butt in….sometimes in places where I don’t belong. It’s not that I mean to hurt anyone or  want to cause drama. Although that does happen from time to time. I just have this ability to seperate myself from situations and say what needs to be said without being overly hateful or mean. I’m sure there are people who believe I am mean and out of line. But to me if you proclaim to be something than you back it up and accept criticism when necessary. You don’t have to like it but if someone has a good point you are kind of obligated to at least try to change. I know it’s not always easy and it probably shouldn’t be, real change takes time and is often painful. 

I say this because of the way I heard about some people treating their family members and their children. It’s not right and it’s one of those things that makes me want to do something. I was also thinking today about how there are so many things that I have made negative in my life. Things that really are not probably not positive or negative they just are. I think I have spent most of my life being so negative about so many things. Like tank tops. I have felt a small amount of guilt wearing them for as long as I can remember. Today as a specifically look at that clothing I tell myself you must have lost your mind. There is nothing wrong with that shirt why do you always feel so bad. The list could probably go on forever. It isn’t really something I have spent much time thinking about much less trying to change. But I have learned that when I kno w what to look for it is easier for me to change my personal dialog. 

I always knew my thoughts in many ways, although mostly personally, lend to the negative side. It isn’t something I have ever spent much time thinking about as I figure it was just the way it is. I didn’t know that every person doesn’t live that way. Which is why it is so important to me that people even try to understand the effects of mental illness. Plus, I’m that highly highly functional person. Had I not be forced I most likely never would have been tested. And as far as I’m concerned there are very few circumstances where people with mental illness can’t contribute to society and be productive. I know to some that isn’t the most acceptable answer but mental illness isn’t a crutch or excuse it’s an illness.  If you are taking meds and they aren’t working talk to your doctor and change something up. If you aren’t as certain as you can be about your diagnosis find a way to be certain. I’ve always said it takes baby steps. And it is so interesting that that ow has come full circle to myself. If you aren’t actively working on even one aspect of your illness than you are not living the life you were meant to live and you will never ind happiness. 

I want these things so I search for them and I am learning how to get them for myself. I will keep working the rest of my life and I will always have times when things get a little hard for me and I have to pull back. But I am not hopeless or helpless and I for one will choose to stay that way. 

Be blessed!