Author Archives: In the Pink

Death isn’t so bad

I mean what does it matter if I keep going or not. Nobody cares to talk to me…..My man said, “Stop saying that shit.” But I didn’t and he went back to his computer games. What the hell do I do anymore? Some people claim to know what I feel and I am sure they think they do but this is getting to be overwhelming. I just want to sleep it away. I just want to be done with this struggle. DOne struggling with finding the right words that won’t freak others out. I say, “It will pass” “It is just the weather” “I am just over reacting” “It is only because I didn’t sleep well” “I am sorry to have bothered you”

I mean that is what this is… forcing my words of woe into others heads. People in my life are sick of me and I know it. I see it in how they ignore what I say and just keep talking about their own choice of topic. I send I text message and there is no response to the topic but merely a new line of conversation started. Have I become mute to those around me. And then there are the ones who can fix me….I didn’t even know they were doctors. If I just lose weight and get off some meds I will be whole again. Funny….but I thought I tried that 6 years ago and ended up trashing our apartment and taking part in risky behaviour. I am not going to kill myself but the idea is there and a plan is forming. But it is only that, a plan. I will be here a week from now trying to encourage others not to succumb to the feelings I have just spoke of. Who better to say don’t do it then someone who has been there. But also……what a relief it would be. Where is my blessed hypomania….where is my depression. I am just flat.

Bipolar 1 most recent episode depressed

At the waiting room of my psych doc my mind was rushing with idiotic ideas that caused knots it my stomach.

1: smile, don’t let the other waiting room patients know you are about to cry

2: the doc is going to increase the antipsychotic, try not to cry

3: This is a sign of failure, try not to cry

4: don’t be mean to yourself, choke back tears

5: the lady next to me is thinking about how distraught I look, you don’t know that

6: people I love secretly can’t stand me. I can’t stand me, try not to cry

(I get called into the office)

Dr: How have you been?

Me: I don’t know because I have been so stuck in my head I can’t reasonably understand how I really feel. I feel no one wants to love me, I feel afraid of living like this forever, I feel guilt, shame, and hungry.

Dr: That is not good In the Pink. How has your sleep and anxiety been?

Me: (sobbing) I just want to be okay to get out of the house. I am not cleaning at all, I am not showering, I am disgusted with me, I have been having panic attacks on a weekly basis, and I wish I could just sleep till this is over.

Okay, so you get the nature of my last months appointment. I am doing better now and the Abilify was increased from 5mg to 10 mg and it is helping. Also it is enhancing my hunger. I need to work on self control but also I need to see a cardiologist because I am very big and my legs get very weak when I walk as well as I get dizzy and faint in the shower.

My first post in months and all I can do is complain. Forgive me…..I have missed you all.

Shrink Assaulted: Reaction Is Surprising

I feel bad for the shrinks out there trying to help us, the mentally ill and unwell alike, get through this life in the most positive and productive way possible. Unfortunately for the shrink, the job is risky. This is a link to the accounts of an assaulted psych and the surprising result that followed. Please comment below if you think the shrink did the right thing.

Insomnia bender due to stress

I am running on fumes and my mind is slowly turning cloudy from lack of sleep. I have been conking out in 4 hour intervals and after 3 days of it …. I am dragging ass. I am so tired of having these issues to deal with. My mom thinks the lack of sleep is due to an up coming commission I have to paint a mural. It will be my first one to do professionally and I am scared about certain aspects. Well, not scared but anxious. Will this woman like me or will my crazy side come out and i need to take a klonopin. No one wants to be seen popping a pill in front of their employer because then they may ask you to explain. Well, it is what it is.

On the plus side. I am getting to go hog wild on buying painting supplies. So excited. I even bought a iPhone compatible projector on sale to help me sketch the image I drew. Life is going well but I am undergoing medication alterations. So that is tweaking my nerves too. I hope all is well with everyone. I can’t wait to post some pics of the mural.

When did you start taking the Bipolar seriously?

How long after you being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (BD) did it take for you to take your mental illness seriously? Because i don’t believe it happens overnight. I know mine didn’t…my taking it seriously.

I think as far back as 8 years old I can recall having insomnia and excessive energy. I recall staying up watching cars drive in our neighborhood. And at christmas time I would have hallucinations of Santa in our living room. I woke my brother up once to see Santa and he told me Santa wasn’t real so I went back to bed and watched the old man until I fell asleep. I was about 8 years old.

Soon my behavior warranted my school to send me to counseling which I did but I did not take it seriously. I lied to the therapist about everything I could as a mental game of one upmanship.

At 13 I was put on sleeping/anxiety meds and by the time I was 18 I was diagnosed Bipolar. But I didn’t take it seriously until I was maybe 23. Patrick (my man) made me want to get well. He made me believe I could be well.

What made you think you could be well? I am so curious as to how things developed for those out there suffering.

(Update: my meds have been keeping me regulated mentally and emotionally. Go meds!)

Someone Turn the Light On

Forgive me for being sparse with post lately but I have been …. well compounded with two depressions. One is my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) Depression while the other is me having really bad menstrual depressions. Plus i am Bipolar so it is just not fun to be in my mind right now.

I desperately need some advice. I would usually Google and read journals online myself but my energy is tapped.

See I saw my psych today and she increased my AP and suggested I get a Light Therapy Box for treatment of S.A.D.. There are two different types of lights as I understand and one is for people with skin problems while the other is used for what I need which is the winter time or seasonal depression. She said they range in price from $40-$400, come in different strengths of LUX? or LUV?, and different companies.

Does anyone out there in Blogger world have any experience with these SAD lamps or know someone who does? Does anyone know if insurance would cover it or is it tax deductible? I just have no clue.

Thank you ahead of time for commenting I really do appreciate any advice.

Part of me feels isolated and depressed

Something is not right with me today. I feel very sad and alone and as if no one cares or sees it. I don’t care about what tomorrow is going to be like because today is a huge black cloud. But I am not selfish. I am not going to put my depression on those around me. I won’t let it ruin my man’s day but I am so hurt. I don’t get why. I feel so hopeless and like hiding. I’ll probably go to my parents tomorrow and just leave my phone on silent. This too shall pass….or whatever.

It was stupid to stop my mood stabilizer

A few months ago during summer I stopped taking my mood stabilizer because I thought it was harming my body. I was under the influence delusion thinking. It is something I struggle with a lot.

Well, as the USA government has began going insane I started to go insane. Watching C-SPAN 24-7, not sleeping, obsessing over the details, researching the stupidity of it all, and I even stopped taking care of myself to the point where my best friend had to confront me about it. I actually stopped taking care of myself months ago. I lost 17lbs in a month (I told my doctor I had lost the weight over the course of three months) which is a mixed blessing but it concerned my doctor to the point she wanted me back in a couple of weeks. I need to lose weight but I need to do it healthily. I think she knew I was fudging the truth about it.

Even my regular doctor asked me how my Bipolar illness was affecting me currently because my psychiatrist had contacted him and reported I was cycling. My regular doctor asked me to return in a month to do bloodwork and check my weight. I have very good doctors.

But since i have restarted my mood stabilizer I am coming slowly out of my mixed episode or whatever I have been enduring. I feel a bit sheepish about how obsessive I have been and how paranoid I got about the medicine. This is the nature of the bipolar beast in my life.

Do you guys ever get that way? I don’t mean that you get sick of your medicine but rather you just get the feeling your body is toxic due to the medicine? I was starting to believe the delusions but at the time I just didn’t realize they were delusions because I am very good at believing those things.

Oh and this is my newest painting. I found one similar online and attempted to duplicate it. It gave me a great sense of accomplishment to finish a painting finally.

I have issues, but not today

So I finally found some time yesterday to just do my thing with my man and then this morning he and I both woke up at like 4:30 am so we went for a drive and have just been lovey dovey all morning. We rarely get to do that since his work schedule is so chaotic right now. But it did my heart good. It did my soul good. Anyhow….happy Sunday to all.

Rand Paul, Mitch McConnell caught on hot mic talking shutdown strategy

Anybody have any thoughts on this?