Author Archives: Hypomanic Mama

As I enjoyed my mid-day coffee because yes, that is when I woke up today (thanks Lamictal), I was having some wonderful racing thoughts about multiple things that pissed me off.  After I started my day, I reflected on those thoughts and had another a-ha moment.  Like 80% of those situations consisted of moments that I read into far to deeply, let bother me when they should have not or I personalized.  I’m sure I had accountability in the remaining 20% but hey, 80% is pretty good, am I right?

When I was in my mid-20s, engaged to a horrible person that blamed the world for everything that went wrong in his life, I can recall screaming at him during one of our fights that when everything in his life is someone else’s fault, it was time to look at himself and realize that most of the time it isn’t them, it’s you.  I walked away from that argument with a horrible feeling in my stomach because I started to absorb my own words.  Maybe that coworker wasn’t out to get me by sending emails with higher ups on copy.  That guy on I-95 didn’t want to run me off the road, maybe he was just an impatient person late for work.  My world was rocked.

Since then, I often reflect on these moments, mostly after the fact, and try to view them at all angles.  Did I have responsibility in the issue, could I be making things worse with my over analyzing, could I just be in a frame of mind that makes me hate the world and that poor guy who looked at me the wrong way at the wrong moment is about to get the shit end of my fury stick?

I’ll admit, doing this type of reflection is hard. It’s hard to take something you view as a definite and question the reality of the situation.  I’ll toot my own horn and say that as time has passed, I’ve become better at this practice.  But doing this is hard work and however your brain works, this practice will meet with a lot of resistance.  

Start small.  Maybe the cashier at the grocery store wasn’t judging your grocery purchases.  Perhaps he/she was just treated like crap for the 20th time that day by some jerk who sees her as just a cashier at the grocery store and not a hard working person, putting up with long hours on their feet.  So instead of taking her short manner and scowling face personally, give them the benefit of the doubt, smile, thank them and be on your way.  You might be the only customer to treat them as a person their whole shift.

Some people can’t get a handle on this way of thinking.  It doesn’t make them any less of a person.  My husband struggles with doing this and is only successful when he is suffering from guilt.  Doing this is hard and takes time.  Your brain has spent so many years surviving this way, undoing it will take time…..sometimes a lot of time.

So the next time some guy is driving up behind you on the highway at a crazy speed and you think not moving will teach him a lesson, just remember there are crazier people than you out there and you don’t know his/her story.  You are worth more than the few seconds of satisfaction watching his softly curse you out in your rear view mirror.

Granted, there are times that it IS then.  For example, my mother and father in law.  Thy suck.  If an issue arises, it will always be them.  ALWAYS.

-Hypomanic Mama

Well, its been awhile since I cracked open the ol’ laptop and logged into WordPress.  It often makes me cringe when I reread my old post as they act as a reminder of times I wish to forget.  But I find myself with some extra time on my hands thanks to another job ending.  In short, I was told that I seem to aggressive.

By no means am I a fighter.  I am a believer in doing what is right or shall I say, what I think is right and I don’t back down.  Hmm, I guess that is aggressive, huh, who knew!

The first thing I did after bashing my employer to my husband, I reorganized my family room and kitchen, tiled a new back-splash and tried this really awesome faux marble finish on my kitchen counter.  I thought I would take a break from ripping up my bathroom floor tile to catch up with some blogging.

Here’s a question, how is a rapid cycling bipolar suppose to survive in this world?  I know, I know, that sound really pessimistic but seriously, my “attitude”, inability to stay on task and constant doctor appointments always get in the way.  The only time it wasn’t an issue was when I worked overnights in the medical field but then I didn’t get more than 4 hours sleep in a day.  During that career choice, my husband would confirm that he saw the venom spewing from my lips.

The first thing I did when I was let go was call my psychiatrist to get my meds in check.  I had been saying for months that I didn’t like the combo and felt more angry than I felt I should.  We are now removing lithium (much to her dismay) and going aggressively up on Latuda and Lamictal.  My doctor was adamant that lithium was a bipolar powerhouse that works for everyone and I should stick it out.  I assured her that after almost 2 years, I felt I stuck with it long enough.  I was always told through my years of doctors and therapy that in mental health, there was no one size fits all.  She avoided my gaze after I told her that but was unsure if she didn’t want to acknowledge I was right or if my “don’t make me go all bipolar stereotype in this office” stare was starting into burn her forehead.

So here I am, medication regimen changing, out of work, sending out applications to everyone even though my resume hasn’t included one job held longer than 1 year in the past 4, and trying to stay positive.  As horribly cliche as it sounds, I keep asking myself, what the hell am I suppose to do!  I’m 33, sole supporter of a family of 5 with no job prospects on the horizon.

My question to you those struggling with mental health issues, How the hell do you do it?!?  What are your coping skills, how do you “fake it until you make it?”  If I read one more medical community post telling me to take responsibility for my actions or to make a friggin’ task list I am going to scream.  I take responsibility for everything, in fact too much thanks to my overwhelming guilt.  Oh and lists!  I make so many lists, my house is covered in post-its and I carry not one but 4….FOUR notebooks to hold my lists for different areas of my life.

That is all!

-Hypomanic Mama