Author Archives: catrionalunsford

“better”

This is what I was worried about – that I’m supposed to be BETTER when just “better” should be enough. 2 weeks ago I was checking myself into a mental hospital and going through the final stages of hell that usually lead to any kind of awakening from a long drawn out time of general darkness and immobility. I am doing more things for myself – I AM. I took a walk and read a book of poetry under a tree. I wrote poetry while listening to music from a computer I had to put together during a rainstorm. I went to the grocery store to get things for actual recipes (not microwaveable crap) and then I actually cooked – IN THE OVEN. Last night I cut up 2lbs of strawberries after putting away dishes that had been laying out since before I went into the hospital. I’ve gone back and forth with my doctors, the state assistance office, and medicaid because they massively screwed up my insurance and still made it to work on time all week – most of the time showered. I both got AND OPENED my mail. I took my flat-tired bicycle to my mother’s house in search of a tire pump. I’m sitting here blogging. I made plans to go to a beginner’s crochet group AND went and bought the yarn etc.

So here’s the thing. When I get lonely or confused or immobilized still – I don’t think it should be expected that I magically come out of a week in a the hospital with a couple med changes as Wonder Woman, running around my apartment, doing everything an adult is expected to do all of a sudden, being super productive with every moment of my day – because there are just still some times I’m going to end up in my bed staring at the ceiling. But hey, maybe thats better than curling up in bed under the covers blocking out the world every chance I get like I used to.

This isnt to say that I wont end up vacuuming or some such nonsense this evening. But I can’t breathe with all the pressure that seems to come down on me sometimes.

I just need a little understanding that I feel is lacking, is all. If I’m reaching out to someone and telling them how I’m feeling I’m obviously a) already upset or confused b) extremely vulnerable.


Do you GET it?

…the difference between liking to sleep in and seeing no reason to ever get out of bed,

…the difference between not feeling like cooking and not seeing the point in feeding yourself at all.

…the difference between the house getting a little messy and not bringing yourself to care enough to fix it.

I could go on and on but my point is, no one seems to really be able to fathom the horrors of being trapped in a real, true, clinical depression unless they themselves have experienced it. I’ve been trying to explain lately – to reach out a little for help or comfort – only to find that well meaning friends and family simply can’t wrap their heads around it, which only makes me feel more alone in my despair.

Yes, my therapist knows, Yes, my doctor knows. Yes, I’m trying some coping strategies…I got out of bed today, didn’t I? But most of all NO I CANNOT WILL MYSELF INTO HAVING THE MOTIVATION TO CLEAN MY APARTMENT, And yes, I am frustrated beyond frustrated and am at my wits end with this.

I take my medications (though last night I seriously considered not) which includes a cocktail of THREE antidepressants – Latuda, Remeron, and Wellbutrin. The Wellbutrin was supposed to drag me out of this ridiculous haze – it has yet to show any promise, but I still have to wait the full 6 weeks it may take to take effect before my doctor will do anything about the dose. I see my doctor regularly – never missed an appointment. I go to therapy THREE TIMES A WEEK – once for individual, twice for group sessions – so COME ON. I’m doing everything I can force myself to try to do – I’m trying to wake up early every day and make a cup of coffee in hopes that forces in motion tend to stay in motion, but that has yet to really work. I’m trying to eat half decently which is really a farce because all I can handle preparing is something microwaveable, plus on top of that Ive figured out I’m making myself psychosomatically deathly sick on my stomach for the past few months – but only when Im ALONE and AT HOME. My body is rejecting the situation I’m in in any way it can.

Basically it comes down to this – Im not sure I have ever felt quite so down and out. I find joy in nothing, all I ever want is to escape – but even when I do I’m not exactly the life of the party, I let the other person talk, feed off of their energy for as long as I can. I ran into a friend at the mall the other day and with a quick hello she became so concerned she contacted my mother to see if I was alright. Things are getting bad out here, folks – and theres no end in sight.


Do you GET it?

…the difference between liking to sleep in and seeing no reason to ever get out of bed,

…the difference between not feeling like cooking and not seeing the point in feeding yourself at all.

…the difference between the house getting a little messy and not bringing yourself to care enough to fix it.

I could go on and on but my point is, no one seems to really be able to fathom the horrors of being trapped in a real, true, clinical depression unless they themselves have experienced it. I’ve been trying to explain lately – to reach out a little for help or comfort – only to find that well meaning friends and family simply can’t wrap their heads around it, which only makes me feel more alone in my despair.

Yes, my therapist knows, Yes, my doctor knows. Yes, I’m trying some coping strategies…I got out of bed today, didn’t I? But most of all NO I CANNOT WILL MYSELF INTO HAVING THE MOTIVATION TO CLEAN MY APARTMENT, And yes, I am frustrated beyond frustrated and am at my wits end with this.

I take my medications (though last night I seriously considered not) which includes a cocktail of THREE antidepressants – Latuda, Remeron, and Wellbutrin. The Wellbutrin was supposed to drag me out of this ridiculous haze – it has yet to show any promise, but I still have to wait the full 6 weeks it may take to take effect before my doctor will do anything about the dose. I see my doctor regularly – never missed an appointment. I go to therapy THREE TIMES A WEEK – once for individual, twice for group sessions – so COME ON. I’m doing everything I can force myself to try to do – I’m trying to wake up early every day and make a cup of coffee in hopes that forces in motion tend to stay in motion, but that has yet to really work. I’m trying to eat half decently which is really a farce because all I can handle preparing is something microwaveable, plus on top of that Ive figured out I’m making myself psychosomatically deathly sick on my stomach for the past few months – but only when Im ALONE and AT HOME. My body is rejecting the situation I’m in in any way it can.

Basically it comes down to this – Im not sure I have ever felt quite so down and out. I find joy in nothing, all I ever want is to escape – but even when I do I’m not exactly the life of the party, I let the other person talk, feed off of their energy for as long as I can. I ran into a friend at the mall the other day and with a quick hello she became so concerned she contacted my mother to see if I was alright. Things are getting bad out here, folks – and theres no end in sight.


So I’m obsessed with this song…

“Take Me To Church”

My lover’s got humour
She’s the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody’s disapproval
I should’ve worshipped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak
She’s the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday’s getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

‘We were born sick, ‘ you heard them say it

My Church offers no absolutes
She tells me, ‘Worship in the bedroom.’
The only heaven I’ll be sent to
Is when I’m alone with you—

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I’m a pagan of the good times
My lover’s the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That’s a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We’ve a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am Human
Only then I am Clean
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life


A shaky stability

Its been months since I’ve written. In that time I was plagued by what I’m told are called “ruminations” – rapid fire arguments inside my head that paralyzed decision making, even things as mundane as what to eat for lunch or whether I’d rather sit on the couch or lounge in bed. It was exhausting and all consuming. It got to a point where I had to ask my therapist what constituted “hearing voices” because the arguments in my head were so severe. I was barely keeping my head above water – then I started sinking. I think I just couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily my therapist was of the opinion that something was off with my medications if I was having such severe symptoms with no relief ever (and I do mean never) and got in touch with my psychiatrist about it. Waiting for my appointment with the psychiatrist I very nearly checked myself into the hospital I was so bad, but stopped myself because I knew my treatment team would do what was best for me and remembered the horror of my last stay in a psych ward, when things only got worse. But I was terrified I was losing my mind and about to end up manic strapped down in a padded room and that it was only a matter of time.

When I saw my Dr I basically begged to be put back on Lithium. (I was yanked off of it after the hospital fiasco last time due to a terrifying lab result) My Dr agreed to put me back on it and I felt almost instant relief – at least when it came to the arguing in my head anyways. I was able to think more clearly, actually make decisions about what to do with my day, and even cleaned up my whole bedroom in half an hour. My therapist was impressed that I finally went to a Buddhist center I’ve been talking about for months and was able to sit through a 2 hour service without panicking or overthinking. Its like I was just kinda floating through life.

Unfortunately I think that set some sort of higher standard that I’m having trouble living up to. Ive had my lithium upped twice now and am on what should be a stable dose and everyone keeps talking about how stable I am – but I don’t particularly feel stable. But maybe I dont know what stable feels like anymore? I feel like a should be some sort of super productive up and at em wonder woman to be honest. Like if I could clean my bedroom in half an hour then why don’t I keep going and clean a room a day or something?

Granted I got sick about a week after starting the lithium – really awful miserable winter virus nothing you can do but wait it out sick – and I try to tell myself that being sick is why my energy was drained and why all i wanted to do was lay in bed and why I felt so miserable. On the flip side though, I guess If I wasn’t “stable” I would be in bed weeping over being sick. Thing is, yesterday and today I’m feeling better and I’m still nowhere near wonder woman status. I slept til 2 today – but then again I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks because I couldn’t breathe. However of course then I felt like shit for wasting half the day and had no motivation so I escaped to my mom’s to pick up laundry and leftovers and was immediately called out by my mom for seeming fairly depressed. I’m just not really sure whats going on, I know Ive been quiet and reserved over the holidays but I think its just because Ive been a little calmer? I just feel like I dont have a lot to say. Even my last couple therapy sessions I havent really had much to say which is certainly a huge difference.

So basically I’m better in some ways but somehow now there’s a new something “off” that I think is really me being my own worst critic but easier said than to fix for sure.


A shaky stability

Its been months since I’ve written. In that time I was plagued by what I’m told are called “ruminations” – rapid fire arguments inside my head that paralyzed decision making, even things as mundane as what to eat for lunch or whether I’d rather sit on the couch or lounge in bed. It was exhausting and all consuming. It got to a point where I had to ask my therapist what constituted “hearing voices” because the arguments in my head were so severe. I was barely keeping my head above water – then I started sinking. I think I just couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily my therapist was of the opinion that something was off with my medications if I was having such severe symptoms with no relief ever (and I do mean never) and got in touch with my psychiatrist about it. Waiting for my appointment with the psychiatrist I very nearly checked myself into the hospital I was so bad, but stopped myself because I knew my treatment team would do what was best for me and remembered the horror of my last stay in a psych ward, when things only got worse. But I was terrified I was losing my mind and about to end up manic strapped down in a padded room and that it was only a matter of time.

When I saw my Dr I basically begged to be put back on Lithium. (I was yanked off of it after the hospital fiasco last time due to a terrifying lab result) My Dr agreed to put me back on it and I felt almost instant relief – at least when it came to the arguing in my head anyways. I was able to think more clearly, actually make decisions about what to do with my day, and even cleaned up my whole bedroom in half an hour. My therapist was impressed that I finally went to a Buddhist center I’ve been talking about for months and was able to sit through a 2 hour service without panicking or overthinking. Its like I was just kinda floating through life.

Unfortunately I think that set some sort of higher standard that I’m having trouble living up to. Ive had my lithium upped twice now and am on what should be a stable dose and everyone keeps talking about how stable I am – but I don’t particularly feel stable. But maybe I dont know what stable feels like anymore? I feel like a should be some sort of super productive up and at em wonder woman to be honest. Like if I could clean my bedroom in half an hour then why don’t I keep going and clean a room a day or something?

Granted I got sick about a week after starting the lithium – really awful miserable winter virus nothing you can do but wait it out sick – and I try to tell myself that being sick is why my energy was drained and why all i wanted to do was lay in bed and why I felt so miserable. On the flip side though, I guess If I wasn’t “stable” I would be in bed weeping over being sick. Thing is, yesterday and today I’m feeling better and I’m still nowhere near wonder woman status. I slept til 2 today – but then again I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks because I couldn’t breathe. However of course then I felt like shit for wasting half the day and had no motivation so I escaped to my mom’s to pick up laundry and leftovers and was immediately called out by my mom for seeming fairly depressed. I’m just not really sure whats going on, I know Ive been quiet and reserved over the holidays but I think its just because Ive been a little calmer? I just feel like I dont have a lot to say. Even my last couple therapy sessions I havent really had much to say which is certainly a huge difference.

So basically I’m better in some ways but somehow now there’s a new something “off” that I think is really me being my own worst critic but easier said than to fix for sure.


The Slough of Despond

I haven’t written in a while – perhaps because I can’t even seem to access/wrap my head around whats happening or perhaps I’m scared of fully investigating/partially excepting it. I am in the depths of clinical depression, have been for weeks (at least) now, and nothing is helping. I can’t seem to get to even the edges of it to grasp hold and shake it violently into submission.

All I want to do is cry. All the time. But I don’t – hardly ever. It’s almost like I’m in shock and if I really let myself be vulnerable enough to just bawl, well who knows what would happen. Maybe it would be cathartic. Maybe it would send me spiraling deeper into the depths and lead to me staring blankly at the bare cracked paint peeling walls of a mental hospital – again. Which is significantly more complex of a situation at the moment seeing as I’m under consideration for a job at my local hospital and showing up in their psych ward – again – would most likely not bode too terribly well. Oh, the horrible irony.

I go to therapy 3x/week. Every week. 2 group sessions and 1 individual. I see my psychiatrist and take my meds – which seem to be an ever expanding cocktail of antidepressants which still won’t keep this at bay. Last time I felt this coming on I was put on Remeron (Mirtazapine) which seemed to take the edge off. 2 weeks ago I went in reporting worsening depression and inability to sleep soundly (despite the nightly cocktail which includes Melatonin, Latuda, Remeron, Buspar and Klonopin already) and Trazadone was added to the cocktail. Told to take 1-2 nightly PRN until this (whatever this is) subsides. NO CHANGE. None.

I don’t get it. I have health insurance and good care, never miss an appointment, take every prescription given to me as directed, have a fairly good support system, but I’m still constantly what can only be described as miserable. Even if I’m out doing something with a friend it’s noticeable that something is really off-kilter. I don’t look forward to anything. I even just got back from a few days at the beach with family as my birthday present and could barely even take anything in. Actually, while I was there I felt an insurmountable pressure to relax and unwind and enjoy – which of course just made the whole situation worse. I did cry one night there to my mom – that I didn’t understand, I just wanted to be happy, to enjoy, and I felt  like I was ungrateful for the whole experience. My mom advised that I might be putting too much pressure on the idealization of “happiness” but that’s not it… I’m not looking for unbridled joy, just to not feel soul crushingly miserable.

I can barely force myself to get out of the house or socialize – it doesn’t help that I have so much free time on my hands. I did actually try to schedule some things in to make getting out of bed worthwhile – but then I just ignore them. There is an actual indent in my couch. I can feel the springs and wooden beam as clearly and ever presently as the lump in my throat. I sit in the indent now, even as I type – because what’s the point of moving anywhere else? Its not like anything will be better. I have one of my favorite bands playing (Jane’s Addiction, if you’re curious) – music that in a previous lifetime would have me up and dancing around, prodding me with memories of concerts, and instead its just a reminder that I couldn’t get up and dance even if I tried or cared.

Mostly this is paralyzingly frightening. And I know those close to me are really starting to worry and get, like me, perplexed over what more can be done, if anything. I feel very alone in all of this though logically I know other people suffer and that most likely this will not last forever (literally the last hope that I cling to). But geezus this has been going on a long time with no glimmer of a breakthrough despite everyone’s best efforts.

I’m terrified of how little I care about anything.

And still I sit here with the lump in my throat – unable to cry.


The Slough of Despond

I haven’t written in a while – perhaps because I can’t even seem to access/wrap my head around whats happening or perhaps I’m scared of fully investigating/partially excepting it. I am in the depths of clinical depression, have been for weeks (at least) now, and nothing is helping. I can’t seem to get to even the edges of it to grasp hold and shake it violently into submission.

All I want to do is cry. All the time. But I don’t – hardly ever. It’s almost like I’m in shock and if I really let myself be vulnerable enough to just bawl, well who knows what would happen. Maybe it would be cathartic. Maybe it would send me spiraling deeper into the depths and lead to me staring blankly at the bare cracked paint peeling walls of a mental hospital – again. Which is significantly more complex of a situation at the moment seeing as I’m under consideration for a job at my local hospital and showing up in their psych ward – again – would most likely not bode too terribly well. Oh, the horrible irony.

I go to therapy 3x/week. Every week. 2 group sessions and 1 individual. I see my psychiatrist and take my meds – which seem to be an ever expanding cocktail of antidepressants which still won’t keep this at bay. Last time I felt this coming on I was put on Remeron (Mirtazapine) which seemed to take the edge off. 2 weeks ago I went in reporting worsening depression and inability to sleep soundly (despite the nightly cocktail which includes Melatonin, Latuda, Remeron, Buspar and Klonopin already) and Trazadone was added to the cocktail. Told to take 1-2 nightly PRN until this (whatever this is) subsides. NO CHANGE. None.

I don’t get it. I have health insurance and good care, never miss an appointment, take every prescription given to me as directed, have a fairly good support system, but I’m still constantly what can only be described as miserable. Even if I’m out doing something with a friend it’s noticeable that something is really off-kilter. I don’t look forward to anything. I even just got back from a few days at the beach with family as my birthday present and could barely even take anything in. Actually, while I was there I felt an insurmountable pressure to relax and unwind and enjoy – which of course just made the whole situation worse. I did cry one night there to my mom – that I didn’t understand, I just wanted to be happy, to enjoy, and I felt  like I was ungrateful for the whole experience. My mom advised that I might be putting too much pressure on the idealization of “happiness” but that’s not it… I’m not looking for unbridled joy, just to not feel soul crushingly miserable.

I can barely force myself to get out of the house or socialize – it doesn’t help that I have so much free time on my hands. I did actually try to schedule some things in to make getting out of bed worthwhile – but then I just ignore them. There is an actual indent in my couch. I can feel the springs and wooden beam as clearly and ever presently as the lump in my throat. I sit in the indent now, even as I type – because what’s the point of moving anywhere else? Its not like anything will be better. I have one of my favorite bands playing (Jane’s Addiction, if you’re curious) – music that in a previous lifetime would have me up and dancing around, prodding me with memories of concerts, and instead its just a reminder that I couldn’t get up and dance even if I tried or cared.

Mostly this is paralyzingly frightening. And I know those close to me are really starting to worry and get, like me, perplexed over what more can be done, if anything. I feel very alone in all of this though logically I know other people suffer and that most likely this will not last forever (literally the last hope that I cling to). But geezus this has been going on a long time with no glimmer of a breakthrough despite everyone’s best efforts.

I’m terrified of how little I care about anything.

And still I sit here with the lump in my throat – unable to cry.


The Slough of Despond

I haven’t written in a while – perhaps because I can’t even seem to access/wrap my head around whats happening or perhaps I’m scared of fully investigating/partially excepting it. I am in the depths of clinical depression, have been for weeks (at least) now, and nothing is helping. I can’t seem to get to even the edges of it to grasp hold and shake it violently into submission.

All I want to do is cry. All the time. But I don’t – hardly ever. It’s almost like I’m in shock and if I really let myself be vulnerable enough to just bawl, well who knows what would happen. Maybe it would be cathartic. Maybe it would send me spiraling deeper into the depths and lead to me staring blankly at the bare cracked paint peeling walls of a mental hospital – again. Which is significantly more complex of a situation at the moment seeing as I’m under consideration for a job at my local hospital and showing up in their psych ward – again – would most likely not bode too terribly well. Oh, the horrible irony.

I go to therapy 3x/week. Every week. 2 group sessions and 1 individual. I see my psychiatrist and take my meds – which seem to be an ever expanding cocktail of antidepressants which still won’t keep this at bay. Last time I felt this coming on I was put on Remeron (Mirtazapine) which seemed to take the edge off. 2 weeks ago I went in reporting worsening depression and inability to sleep soundly (despite the nightly cocktail which includes Melatonin, Latuda, Remeron, Buspar and Klonopin already) and Trazadone was added to the cocktail. Told to take 1-2 nightly PRN until this (whatever this is) subsides. NO CHANGE. None.

I don’t get it. I have health insurance and good care, never miss an appointment, take every prescription given to me as directed, have a fairly good support system, but I’m still constantly what can only be described as miserable. Even if I’m out doing something with a friend it’s noticeable that something is really off-kilter. I don’t look forward to anything. I even just got back from a few days at the beach with family as my birthday present and could barely even take anything in. Actually, while I was there I felt an insurmountable pressure to relax and unwind and enjoy – which of course just made the whole situation worse. I did cry one night there to my mom – that I didn’t understand, I just wanted to be happy, to enjoy, and I felt  like I was ungrateful for the whole experience. My mom advised that I might be putting too much pressure on the idealization of “happiness” but that’s not it… I’m not looking for unbridled joy, just to not feel soul crushingly miserable.

I can barely force myself to get out of the house or socialize – it doesn’t help that I have so much free time on my hands. I did actually try to schedule some things in to make getting out of bed worthwhile – but then I just ignore them. There is an actual indent in my couch. I can feel the springs and wooden beam as clearly and ever presently as the lump in my throat. I sit in the indent now, even as I type – because what’s the point of moving anywhere else? Its not like anything will be better. I have one of my favorite bands playing (Jane’s Addiction, if you’re curious) – music that in a previous lifetime would have me up and dancing around, prodding me with memories of concerts, and instead its just a reminder that I couldn’t get up and dance even if I tried or cared.

Mostly this is paralyzingly frightening. And I know those close to me are really starting to worry and get, like me, perplexed over what more can be done, if anything. I feel very alone in all of this though logically I know other people suffer and that most likely this will not last forever (literally the last hope that I cling to). But geezus this has been going on a long time with no glimmer of a breakthrough despite everyone’s best efforts.

I’m terrified of how little I care about anything.

And still I sit here with the lump in my throat – unable to cry.


“Are You Getting Enough Positivity in Your Diet?” By Barbara Frederickson

Are You Getting Enough Positivity in Your Diet?

By Barbara Fredrickson

This essay originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

I study positive emotions.

I realize this can sound frivolous, especially at a time when we’re facing widespread unemployment, when we’re sending soldiers into repeated tours of duty, when we’re confronted with a global environmental crisis.

But after two decades of research on positive emotions, I’ve come to realize that understanding positive emotions can help us address these problems and more.

I’m not just talking about jump-for-joy positive emotions. There are a whole range of positive emotions out there, including feelings of gratitude, feelings of serenity and tranquility, and feelings of love and closeness for the people we care for.

My colleagues and I have learned how positive emotions change the way our minds and our bodies work—change the very nature of who we are, down to our cells—transforming our outlook on life and our ability to confront challenges. Indeed, the science of positive emotions is key to helping people deal with adversity and live a meaningful life.

Far from being trivial, we’ve found that positive emotions broaden our awareness in ways that reshape who we are, and they build up our useful traits in ways that bring out the best in us, helping us become the best versions of ourselves.

Positive emotions open our mind

In my research, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two core truths about all of the different kinds of positive emotions.

The first is that they open us: They literally change the boundaries of our minds and our hearts and change our outlook on our environment.

Now let me get poetic here for a moment. Imagine you’re a water lily. It’s early dawn and your petals are closed in around your face. If you can see anything at all, it’s just a little spot of sunlight.

But as the sun rises in the sky, things begin to change. Your blinders around your face begin to open and your world quite literally expands. You can see more. Your world is larger.

Just as the warmth of sunlight opens flowers, the warmth of positivity opens our minds and hearts. It changes our visual perspective at a really basic level, along with our ability to see our common humanity with others.

We know this because we’ve done studies where we induce positive emotions in some people—by giving them a gift, making them have a positive experience, or showing them images of cute puppies or a beautiful sunset—but not others. In one of these studies in my own lab, we showed people a figure (see image on the left) and asked which of two comparison figures most resemble it. As you can see, one of the figures (the three triangles) resembles the top figure in its general configuration, while the other (the four squares) resembles it in its local details.

What we found was if we induced positive emotions in people, they were more likely to step back and say the figure of the three triangles was most similar to the top figure. They were seeing the big picture.

One of my favorite studies along these lines comes out of Adam Anderson’s lab at the University of Toronto. The researchers observed people’s brain activity while showing them photos of a face placed against a house in the background (see image on the left). They asked the people to judge whether the face was male or female but to ignore everything else in the picture.

There’s a part of the brain that lights up when we see a human face, and there’s also a brain region that lights up when we think about physical places, like a house. Which part would light up here?

The researchers found that when you induce a positive emotion, the “place” area lit up—people couldn’t help but pick up on the context of the photo, even when they were told to ignore it. When people were feeling neutral or negative emotions, they didn’t see the house at all.

This suggests that people are inescapably attuned to context when they’re experiencing positive emotions. They have a wider awareness, which may explain why people have a better memory for peripheral details when they’re remembering episodes that were positive.

If positive emotions open our awareness and increase the expanse of our peripheral vision, that means that they help us see more possibilities. And there are lots of benefits that flow from this.

  • People are more creative when they’re experiencing positive emotions; when solving a problem, they come up with more ideas of what they might do next. This enhanced creativity has been directly linked to having a wider awareness.
  • People are more likely to be resilient. I have conducted a whole line of research showing that people are able to bounce back more quickly from adversity when they’re experiencing positive emotions.
  • Kids’ academic performance improves. Research has shown that kids do better on math tests or other tests if they’re just asked to sit and think of a positive memory before they take the test.
  • There are medical benefits. Really neat research shows doctors make better medical decisions when they’re given a bag of candy—a really small way of inducing positive emotions. Keep that in mind the next time you go to your doctor’s office!
  • Positive emotions make us more socially connected to others, even across groups. My former student Kareem Johnson and I found that positive emotions allow us to look past racial and cultural differences and see the unique individual behind those traits. They help us see the universal qualities we share with others, not our differences. And other experiments show that if you induce positive emotions, people are more trusting and come to better win-win situations in negotiations.

So positive emotions don’t just help us see the glass half full—that’s true, but it’s not the whole story. They also help us see larger forms of interconnection. They help us see the big picture.

Positive emotions transform us

The second core truth about positive emotions is that they transform us for the better—they bring out the best in us.

Now one interesting fact about all living things is that scientists estimate that, on average, we replace one percent of our cells each day. That’s another one percent tomorrow, about 30 percent by next month, and by next season, 100 percent of our cells from today—that’s one way of looking at it. So maybe it’s no coincidence that it takes three months or so to learn a new habit or to make a lifestyle change; maybe we need to be teaching our new cells because we can’t teach an old cell new tricks.

But one of the things I think is even more exciting is that the latest science suggests that the pace of cell renewal and the form of cell renewal doesn’t just follow some predetermined DNA script. Our emotions affect that level of cellular change.

What this suggests is that if we increase our daily diet of positive emotions, we broaden our awareness over time and change who we become in the future.

With this in mind, I was inspired by some of the newest research on meditation to look into how people might use meditation to elevate their basic levels of positive emotion—the amount of positive emotions they feel day-in, day-out.

In particular, I looked at a form of meditation called loving-kindness meditation, sometimes called metta, which asks people to take that warm, tender feeling they already have toward a loved one and learn to generate it toward other people, ranging from themselves to people with whom they have difficulties and eventually to all sentient beings on Earth.

People in my studies were novice meditators, but as they learned loving-kindness meditation over the course of eight weeks, their daily levels of positive emotions subtly shifted upwards. And this boost in positive emotions helped them build some important resources.

One of those resources was mindfulness, their ability to stay in the present moment and maintain awareness of their thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.

Also, their close and trusting relationships with others improved from the time they started learning meditation to a few weeks after the training ended.

We also saw improvements in people’s resilience—their ability to bounce back from difficulties and effectively manage the challenges they encountered—and reductions in aches and pains and other signs of physical illness.

These results suggest that if we increase our daily diet of positive emotions, we emerge three months later as more resilient, more socially connected versions of ourselves.

The positivity ratio* [see Instructors' Note at the bottom of this page]

So positive emotions can clearly carry some profound benefits. But how much positivity do we need in our lives to reap these benefits—how much is enough?

My research with Marcel Losada has actually been closing in on an answer to this question. We’ve concluded that a ratio of at least three-to-one—three positive emotions for every negative emotion—serves as a tipping point, which will help determine whether you languish in life, barely holding on, or flourish, living a life ripe with possibility, remarkably resilient to hard times.

Without going into all the math behind this ratio, I want to stress that this isn’t an arbitrary number. It emerges from a wide ranging analysis we conducted, including analysis of flourishing business teams that we then tested in flourishing individuals and compared to family researcher John Gottman’s work on flourishing marriages. In each case, we found that positivity ratios above three-to-one are associated with doing extraordinary well.

Ratios of about two-to-one are what most of us experience on a daily basis; people who suffer from depression and other emotional disorders are down near one-to-one or lower.

It’s important to note that the ratio is not three-to-zero. This is not about eliminating all negative emotions. Part of this prescription is the idea that negative emotions are actually necessary.

I actually think a sailboat metaphor is appropriate here. Rising from the sailboat is the enormous mast, which allows the sail to catch the wind and give the boat momentum. But below the waterline is the keel, which can weigh tons.

You can see the mast as positivity and the keel down below as negativity. If you sail, you know that even though it’s the mast that holds the sail, you can’t sail without the keel; the boat would just drift around or tip over. The negativity, the keel, is what allows the boat to stay on course and manageable.

When I once shared this metaphor with an audience, a gentleman said, “You know, when the keel matters most is when you’re sailing upwind, when you’re facing difficulty.” Experiencing and expressing negative emotions is really part of the process for flourishing, even—or especially—during hard times, as they help us stay in touch with the reality of the difficulties we’re facing.

So this idea of the ratio points out where we should be. But how do we get there? What are the best ways to foster positive emotions and achieve this ratio?

Here’s my advice: If you make your motto, “Be positive,” that will actually backfire. It leads to a toxic insincerity that’s shown to be corrosive to our own bodies, to our own cardiovascular system. It’s toxic for our relationships with other people. I think we all know that person who’s trying to pump too much sunshine into our lives.

I think that’s the biggest danger of positive psychology: that people come out of it with this zeal to be positive in a way that’s not genuine and heartfelt.

But there’s a Sufi proverb: There wouldn’t be such a thing as counterfeit gold if there were no real gold somewhere. So how can we tap into those genuine, heartfelt positive emotions without grasping for the counterfeit gold?

One of the things that I think is very useful is to keep in mind that there’s reciprocal relationship between the mindset of positivity and positive emotions—a mindset of positivity begets positive emotions, and positive emotions beget positivity. So if we lightly create the mindset of positivity, from that positive emotions will follow.

How to foster that mindset? It helps to be openbe appreciativebe curiousbe kind, and above all, be real and sincere. From these strategies spring positive emotions.

Now some of these are pretty self-explanatory, but I do want to explain what “be open” means as a way to increase your positive emotions. The reason that this works is that so often we can be preoccupied worrying about the future, ruminating about the past so we’re completely oblivious to the goodness that surrounds us in the present moment.

But when we’re really open to our current circumstances, those sources of goodness are so much easier to draw from, and they yield positive emotions.

Another thing, I think, that can be really useful is to step on the positivity scale frequently and track your positivity ratio. When I published my book, I created a free website that allows people to figure out their positivity ratio for a given day. It takes two minutes.

It’s kind of surprising and humbling to realize that, if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us aren’t above this three-to-one ratio on a daily basis.

I think knowing one day’s positivity ratio may not be too informative. But if you take this short measure at the end of every day for two weeks, you could probably get a sense of what your life is like right now. Then continue to use it as you continue to make changes in your life, as you introduce more opportunities to be grateful, or start a meditation practice, or start volunteering and giving more frequently, and then track your positivity ratio and see if it changes—see how those steps make a difference in your life.

Just as a nutritionist will ask people to keep track of their physical activity and their caloric intake as a way to meet their health and fitness goals, this is a way to keep track of your daily emotional diet so you can meet your well-being goals.

I want to close with a famous Native American story. It goes like this: One evening, an old Cherokee tells his grandson that inside all people, a battle goes on between two wolves. One wolf is negativity: anger, sadness, stress, contempt, disgust, fear, embarrassment, guilt, shame, and hate. The other is positivity: joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and above all, love.

The grandson thinks about this for a minute, then asks his grandfather, “Well, which wolf wins?”

The grandfather replies, “The one you feed.”

Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., is the Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. She is also the author of Positivity and Love 2.0.

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* Instructors’ Note: The exact amount of positive emotions that we need in our life has been a matter of scientific debate. While Dr. Fredrickson initially published research suggesting that people are generally happier if they have a ratio of at least three positive emotions to every negative emotion, that finding has recently been disputed, though Dr. Fredrickson still stands by it.