Author Archives: BPinBloom

Watched Avocados do nothing

It’s rare my sleep schedule is quite this disturbed, but I woke up with a jolt of tooth pain (whole other problem) despite taking sinus medicine that required more information to purchase than a gun, my normal night med cocktail of “please, just let me sleep” including Trazadone, Depakote, Celexa, high dose melatonin, and various others that advise against interacting with heavy machinery, and klonopin when I got home from work.

Sometimes when I wake up early, it’s an easy path back to sleep via “What? 2am? No thank you, that’s absurd” and a flip of one of my 7 flannel pillows to the cool side and nuzzling myself back in. Sometimes, though rare, within 60 seconds, you know you’re screwed.

The rapid fire reactions this morning in that critical minute went something like this: what the hell time is it? Only open one eye to check…why am I…OH HOLY TOOTH PAIN MY JAW IS ON FIRE! Ok open eyes to find ambesol. Slather everywhere. Rage at self for lack of hygiene while at rock bottom (years ago) that basically destroyed my teeth, more rage at my new dentist (insurance) for being an asshole about fixing everything, more rage that I cant just have my old dentist fix everything, considered how much I could scrape together from every last penny of HARD earned savings to pay said dentist, this snowballs into anger at the state of healthcare in general, aaaaaand we’re awake.

So then I start to panic, induced by the fact that I’m now awake and jacked up sleep is my biggest trigger. Then oh, well, I guess I might as well use the time so I can nap later. Wait, is that enabling mania? Well, it’s calm and quiet, might be a good time to figure out meal plans for the week and do some prepping. But that makes a lot of noise, and moms asleep and I don’t want questions. I am hungry though, let’s see what I can find in dark silence…ooo, chicken soup! Damn, no, opening and closing the microwave door makes noise, as does the actual microwaving and resultant beeping. Ok, well, here’s an avocado…

Which is how I came to be holding an avocado in a dark, silent kitchen at 3am, willing it to ripen while I considered my options for a solid 5 minutes.

As I write this I’m still battling every single thought I’ve listed here plus more. Pretty sure I’ll eat the soup cold bc it’s almost 4am now and my stomach is actually growling. Even though I would prefer to make a huge hot breakfast, but that’s a lot of noise in silence. And even if I didn’t wake mom the anxiety of avoiding it wouldn’t be worth the damn eggs.

I just have this feeling that a normal mind would a) go back to sleep after numbing teeth or b) make the damn breakfast/soup/whatever

I need my own place. I’d still wake up with tooth pain, but I could’ve made hot chocolate, turned on a movie, made breakfast, marinated short ribs, taken a shower, fallen back asleep full from food and lulled by movie, just basically done whatever and if I didn’t tell anyone, no one would know.

Disclaimer: my mom’s awesome, I just have no privacy of hiding things like this


Not even 10 mins after posting this (So, 4am?) I blew my nose and half my face dislodged and fell out, so I’m running around like a crazy person bleeding like a stuck pig. Suffice to say mom’s awake now, and I’m watching tv on the couch with the stupid soup. 

The act of being observed

Just hear me out here. Ive been through some crazy shit these last few months, but we’ll get to that in another post. Lets just say my level of anxiety is beyond out of control.

Just today, Ive taken 2 klonopin (I had almost weened myself totally off them), choked down a teaspoon of Kratom, smoked by CBD vape, done breathing exercises, cuddled myself in a dark blanket fort, took a long hot shower with loud music – all to handle a day of…nothing.

Look, I know I’m my own harshest critic, and that I perceive being judged even when I’m not, but when the judgement and criticism keeps getting dropped around like fairy dust I can’t take my mind. I live in fear of moving, breathing, any perceptions – even if I know I’m doing what is best for my life.

I need to be living on my own again. Bless my mom for taking me in, I love her and she’s amazing, but I need to breathe. Even tonight, locked in the bathroom screaming along to Alanis Morisette, finally starting to relax muscles spasming from stress and breathe enough to lower my pulse below 110 for the first time all day, in an instant it was all replaced with “Mom’s going to realize this is weird, she’s going to know I’m upset and there’ll be questions, I need to get upstairs to take my meds, don’t cry…” and when I got upstairs, quietly got in a nice nightie, and stuck an ice pack on my head (this week’s therapy advice is that extreme changes in temperature can quickly decrease intense emotions) I of course got the concerned “Are you ok? You seem to be having a tough day…” and all I wanted to do was scream LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

How messed up is that?

In the same instant I want to collapse right there on the floor and bawl and beg to be held.