After all these years of being pretty much “symptom free” I hit the depression side of things. Oh my God, how it sucks. My husband got mad at me, and apparently, that is a trigger for me. All I could think about was how I could just down a bottle of pills and the pain would be over. Even thought about cutting. The thoughts consumed me. I stayed in bed for a good part of the day. Was very mopey. I can’t believe this is how I lived my life for so long.
I keep telling myself not to fall down into the abyss. But, let me tell you… I’m hanging on to a slippery rope that stretches across a deep chasm. And I’m afraid. Very afraid.
Posted in Read Along
I have been realizing that I am starting to decline in my mental health as of late. I’ve been having the grand ideas, not thinking before I speak, of course the insomnia (ironically, that will never go away, not only is it a trait of Bipolar, but also of Fibromyalgia), wanting to spend money, so much so, that I am actually looking for a job so I can buy stuff.
I haven’t said anything to my husband, because he isn’t really very supportive. Not because he is a dick, but because like so many of our family and friends, they don’t know HOW to be supportive or help.
My BFF took me out to dinner last Saturday. We went to a Mexican restaurant. The waiter was totally hitting on my BFF, I mean, you could catch the drool with a cup…. It was just really sleazy and unprofessional. The medicated me would have just felt embarrassed for the guy, suffer the uncomfortable feeling everytime he would come check on us, and then just never go there again because of the experience. But no… I’m not medicated, and I don’t care what my mouth says when it opens. I start talking to the guy in Spanish, telling him I’m not stupid. Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I am stupid! In retrospect, I have no idea what that had to do with anything. I think I was just really insulted that he was flirting with my friend, and I wanted him to know that we were on to his game. And then the rest of the night I was just a sarcastic bitch to this guy. (Of course all AFTER he brought us our food) My friend pointed out to me that I was being mean to this guy…. She was kind of laughing about it because this is out of character for me.
Now that it has been almost a week now, I’m starting to feel like an ass. I WAS mean to that guy. I appreciate he had the hots for my friend, everyone does, she is beautiful! But for some reason I was just feeling salty about it. I’m not going back to that place. I didn’t like the food and certainly not the service. But this was a major red flag for me. I also had to cigarettes that night (I quit a couple years ago, so it’s not unlikely, but… it’s one of those things that waves a red flag).
So, that is where I am right now… Not sure which move to make next….
It’s me. Just thought I would pop in since it has started getting a little dusty in here. I gave up Facebook for Lent, but then realized a couple days ago, I kind of need to keep blogging in my blogs.
I’m still med free, well, bipolar wise…. I’m still on meds for my other health issues. But I’m in a remission of sorts I suppose. Doing good. Although I have to say, after a couple of years, My body feels like a limb that has been asleep. You know how you get the pins and needles, and then they start to release and your body feels a chill, like you just bit into a peppermint patty? Yeah, that is how my mental state has been.
I’ve been super emotional lately.I attribute that to my menses. But the thought web I have…. It’s just insane! I have been reigning myself in, so at least I am realizing that my mind is getting a bit haywire.
I have always had the belief that I have gone through everything I have gone though in my life for a reason. And I stand firm by that. I know I’m supposed to help people. (Maybe it’s just the crazy talking…)
I’m still pissed that the person never contacted me back for that mental health volunteer position. I don’t do rejection well. What about you? Am I the only one that takes rejection super personal? I mean it’s like my soul is wounded, and I go crazy trying to figure out why I have been rejected, and then I get sad because i’m “no good”, and then I go back to being pissed again. I wish I was just one of those people who had a ‘fuck it’ attitude with that sort of thing.
Yay. No depression today. Just sick. And tired because I slept horribly last night, because I’m sick. Definitely going to stay away from the Elavil.
I took an Elavil last night, because I wanted to SLEEP…. And now, I have been depressed all fucking day. I have to get rid of those. I got my new pills today Trazadone. Those are really big pills for a sleeping pill. Ok, really it’s just ANOTHER antidepressant. But it is a big pill. I’m used to take small ones anymore. Off to bed. Hopefully the depression will go away.
*sniff sniff* what IS that? Oh! It smells like DE-FUCKING-PRESSION trying to creep in. NO!
Yesterday I was blah. Just kind of flat and unmotivated and sad but not sad. And the feeling is still here today. I didn’t go to a birthday party today with my daughter. My husband took her alone, and I feel horrible about it. But I feel like crap. Melancholy. Grey. Overcast. And it is even a beautiful sunny day, albeit cold…..
So, here is my problem. Is it my bipolar? Or is it one of my medications? I would say the Elavil because I have only been on that for a week, and I have been on the Cymbalta for over a month. OR… Is it a Fibromyalgia thing?
Why can’t I have just ONE problem? Why do I have to have several? That was a rhetorical question. I’m just bitching because I’m angry and disappointed that I am having a depressive episode after so long of being good! This fucking sucks.
Posted in Read Along
I have been doing fairly well. No episodes. No paranoia. Anxiety is practically nil; I can actually talk myself out of my anxiety at this point. So, it makes me wonder WHY is this? Did all of the meds I was taking actually contribute to all of those feelings? But then I stop myself from thinking those things, because then I start thinking like a paranoid conspiracy theorist.
I do find that while I am at church, my bipolar mind wanders. I can only assume that it is because there is quiet there, and I have never been one to be able to keep myself entertained by having long conversations with myself.
I go in 30 minutes before mass because I love the serenity. This also gives me time to get situated, because while I may be doing better, my OCD tendencies are becoming out of control. And then during mass, my mind starts to wander, and think of disgusting and preverse things. And it makes me so angry! And then I have a dialogue with myself, telling myself to shut up and stop thinking things like that (And I think of things like “I wonder of he is a pervert, if he has ever touched himself, if he has ever had sex or had impure thoughts…”) Things I SHOULD NOT be thinking about. Yet my mind wanders there, and it makes me mad and ashamed. And then I tell myself I must be possessed and the devil needs to leave me. And then I tell myself that I sound like a crazy person. And then I tell myself I must not be getting as better as I thought.
Posted in Read Along
So, I see we all made it past the 21. I knew we would. I’ve been doing pretty darn good. I mean, aside from the sleep issue. I am so fucking tired of “napping” at night, instead of getting a straight night sleep.
I’ve been going to church a lot lately. And, I’m kind of keeping an eye on myself just to see if I’m getting ready to flip, just in case. But I really love going. I have even been going early! I like the quiet time. I like the time to myself for reflection. And, I don’t even feel anxious anymore. I have no more tears. I just feel so…. good and at peace. Which brought me to think, could all of those meds I was on caused me to feel that way before? So anxious and nervous and isolated? I don’t know the answer to that. And, I don’t think I ever will. So, best to just live in the moment I suppose.
I have changed a lot. I’d like to think for the better. But I have been reconsidering my Bipolar diagnosis. Could it have just been my thyroid all along? Could it have been just this fibromyalgia? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just level right now. But I’m not even looking over my shoulder right now for the edge, like I once did. I’m just living.
I know I have suffered from depression, and my initial diagnosis 20 some odd years ago was correct. And I know I have been out of my mind, and hypomanic, and depressed, and mixed, and erratic. But right now I’m good. And I’m not going to question it.
The current state of events just has me so sick. New word on the street, is that the NRA wants a list of people with Mental Illnesses. Not for shits and giggles, but for like, I don’t even understand why. Instead of HELPING people with mental illnesses, they want to persecute them. They want to make them modern day lepers. We had come so far, and now we are taking steps backwards.They want an active database of the mentally ill. This is akin to back ally abortions.
I’m feeling the need to get pro active. After this Sandy Hook incident, people are now saying that people with mental disorders need to be locked up, and those that are locked up, LIKE being locked up!
REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?!?
I have been blessed in the way that I have not been institutionalized or held on lock-down. But I know of people who have, and I can tell you, it was no vacation! What the hell are these naysayers thinking????
I need to figure out how to become active in the stand to break the stigma! I feel a fire burning in my soul for this. I need to get out there and DO something! And I know if I make that step, and take a stand, others will follow! I just have think of something to do! Something that will MAKE AN IMPACT!
Who is with me? Share ideas! Time is of the essence!