Daily Archives: March 27, 2018

Second Impressions Matter More and Farewell,Gabapentin

After an enormous deal of ‘waiting,start,stop’ anxiety this morning due to my impending shrink appointment…

As it turns out,Dr. H is actually pretty nice and understanding. I guess our first appointment was a fluke or her too overwhelmed with staffing issues (I could entertain the notion it was all in my head,but nope…) Anyway,for all of society’s forcefeedings that first impressions are everything…

Turns out,second impressions can entirely change initial ones. Not saying she’s an awesome Dr. B but she’s not the boogeyman she seemed that first appointment.

She saw how off balance and confused I am and said STOP the gabapentin. She even seemed sorry for prescribing it since I had such a bizarre negative reaction. I don’t blame her,none of us know what will work or harm til we try it. Just glad I am gonna get out of the gauzy stoner haze,that has sucked. Driving is stressful enough without a med making me loopy.

I was honest about not knowing if the Effexor is working due to the yo gabba gabba side effects. Instead of the apathy of nurse doc or others who have made me feel like a malingerer when meds aren’t making me do cartwheels under rainbows…

She said give it a week to get gaba out of my system and let the Effexor kick in,see how I feel,then call her nurse and let them know so we can increase dose or change meds.

I can live with that.

Harder to live with is how moody,contradictory, and ‘homesick’ my daughter is. She misses town and our old trailer and she blames me for moving here (as if I had a choice,they kind of take your kids away if you have home for them). She’s ok,she’s down,she’s up,she’s bored,she’s agitated. And while the move probably heightened all these emotions for her,she’s been cycling through them for years. I want to think it’s stress related,early onset puberty moodiness…

My gut says bipolar. I know she’s only 8 and can’t really he diagnosed,nor do I want her labeled prematurely…But her erratic behavior reminds me so much of my own pre diagnosis and mood stabilizer days…you can’t help but draw parallels and wonder.

It bothers me that my usually free spirited happy kid now seems insecure,sad,and unsure of anything. And going to F’s after A pluses simply because the old school was so focused on core math,Spook doesn’t know her times tables. I wanted to teach them to hee but we were discouraged because it would confuse the kidz and interfere with the core math teaching.

Now because I listened to that place,my daughter may not progress to fourth grade if she doesn’t memorize all the tables by year’s end. New teacher holds back students who haven’t learned them. Wtf? Cut us some slack,ffs,not our fault the curriculum was different in town.

Anyway. That was my appointment. I see her again in 5 weeks but I am free to call anytime if I have problems.

Second impressions matter. I wish some people had given me that benefit of the doubt instead of assuming my bipolar mood swings are my identity.

I need to remind myself to keep an open kind. Just not so open that the scent of my brain draws a crowd of zombies.


So I went to my outpatient program yesterday.  It did not start well with the orientation starting over half an hour late.  but we got into groups after that and it got better.  The “angry guy” (there’s always an angry guy) sucked most of the oxygen out of the room for one session, but the other two were more constructive.  So we will see how this goes today.

I am having a hard time getting started.  I have to go to the school and take care of something before I go to classes so I am trying to hurry through everything I have to do before I leave. So I think I will just end this here and talk more  tomorrow.