Daily Archives: March 9, 2018

3 weeks of hell. Forced to move from our home of 9 years. Car dying off. Elderly new landord renting out same property to 3 different people in the same week…Clawing and kicking to get him to commit to rent a place to me and my kid…3 days without water cos previous tenants left a $300 outstanding bill AND destroyed the plumbing by using a blowtorch to thaw frozen pipes during winter thus 3 days of repairs and people in and out plus kid at my dad’s and his faction invalidating my parental authority over my kid…

We have a home, 15 miles out of town. Different car dad bought us auction. Broke stepmom ‘s SUV windshield moving stuff thus putting me $1800 in debt to them..which means I can’t discipline my kid,go where I want or do what I want cos debt means they own me and they have said as much…

I met my new shrink today. She made me wait 25 mins. I was scheduled for a new patient 30 min intake…She spent ten mins with me,and when I pointed out that I wish Dr B hadn’t left and their staffing problems meant me waiting 5 months for treatment…I was treated to 5 mins of her assuring me that Dr. B’s sudden departure was even more inconvenient for them cos it tripled her patient load.

That was when I knew I was doomed. She’s nice,she is competent and she wants to help. But she is overwhelmed with client load and says she only helps 6 of ten people cos some of us just keep failing med after med. She agrees with me that my seasonal depression simply won’t respond to any med so moving to a different climate would be ideal.

Least she comprehended that is not feasible and she is starting me on Effexor and Neurontin.

I liked her more than doc nurse cos much as I don’t think psych pro’s should lay staffing stress on patients…least Dr. H asked me what I thought I needed.

I confessed to a suicidal ideation last week when everything boiled over and I thought she just might lock me down. Two months ago, I wouldn’t have disagreed. Having toughed out what I have even if pushed over the anxiety edge…I WANT to keep fighting. My kid is struggling at her new school and she made me promise I’d never leave her so I gotta do this for her…I am just…’if I did die and it wasn’t my fault’…I just want some peace..

I am willing to keep fighting but as much as new doc seems to want to help..I think her caseload is so immense she has no patience for med resistant people like me. Hope I am wrong but if she is a fraction of overwhelmed as me…I am doomed.

So I still owe the new landlord $375 deposit. I owe dad and stepmonster $1200 (and the prick asked why I didn’t have a fundraiser to pay him back cos my pet fundraisers were half successful but the move and car upheaval got one donation of ten bucks)…I can’t come up with $65 to start trash service, I can’t get $80 to start internet or even $40 for an unlimited plan to use my phone as a hotspot…oh AND the freezer doesn’t work,cost me $80 worth of food which the landlord says is on me,food and fridge replacement…

I am three thousand in the hole, praying for a miracle cos I have the old power bill plus this new one and if I default on the old one,we lose current service…

Do Fucking Tell!!! Who wouldn’t be crumbling under the pressure, feeling doomed, and thinking the world is against them?

Mental illness is bad enough. All this other stuff plus a new shrink who makes me feel (in advertently or not) that if the meds don’t work then I am the ‘shoulder shruh’ 4 of ten she can’t help…

Fact I am upright and typing this should speak volumes about my fortitude,even if my mental health disorders hold me back.