Pulling of the Spirit

I guess God really wants me to confront my Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Facebook has had an over abundance of articles about narcissists lately and I can’t seem to get them out of my mind.

I’m not sure why He wants this but I guess I better get on board. First I would like to say that I HATE the articles I find on Facebook and other places. I don’t like it when people refer to someone as a narcissist when they have no idea of the true meaning and just want to find a reason for someone’s bad behavior AND their inability to get away from this person. It aggravates me. Lately it just makes me so mad. Like I can’t even find the words mad.

Add that to the guy at work that says “autism is a mental illness” and I’m ready to know what the purpose of all this is. I’m not a physical person but I wanted to hit my co worker for an off handed comment that he obviously has no knowledge about. Yes, Autism(and similar things) are covered in the mental health umbrella but they are NOT even almost the same. To give some context the discussion was about the shooting in Florida. I made the comment that he was sick and he was completely unwilling to hear what I was saying.

I guess since I carry around mental illness my buttons get pushed a little faster. But normally I do my best to educate. What pisses me off is when I try to talk to someone and they show no desire to learn or be aware of what it’s really like.

Like narcissist, I don’t think of myself as a totally self centered impossible person to be around, most of the time. I read that empathy is a huge thing missing with narcissists. I don’t completely understand what that means because I sure can feel empathy for people. I guess the thing is that I have taught myself to ignore my first instinct and the truth is very often my first instinct is “I’m sorry you have health issues but I need you to come to work”, I’m sorry you didn’t plan a babysitter but no I won’t work for you”. Oh your kids have issues…put your big girl panties on and be a PARENT!!”

These are my first instinct. If I could say them I would. But it’s not that I don’t have empathy it’s that when people expect special treatment for whatever reason it annoys me. Nobody taught me to do this. Well, maybe someone did. My parents, my MOM. Maybe I’m not a horrible human being because I had good parents. And even though I didn’t find out about my diagnosis until I was 33 my Mom has always done her best to help me figure things out. I will never forget when I was about 14 my best friend and I got in a huge fight and weren’t friends anymore. And I was going off to my Mom and she said “Jennifer have you ever considered that your more mature than her?” Um no I haven’t. And more to the point that doesn’t matter. She should just act right. Lol

I still feel that way. If I even a little bit have learned to control my mental illness BEFORE I was medicated then it should be easy for normal people, right?!?!?!

Honestly, the more I think about this the more it scares me. I don’t understand it. I have a pretty good handle on the bipolar and what it does to me and what happens in my mind and body. But I just don’t know how to accept being a narcissist. Maybe that’s the exact thing that signals me having it. I don’t know.

I do know that those articles hurt me. They make me feel like I’m less than. And I know the statistics. About 200,000 a year are diagnosed with this disorder. That’s .0006667 percent of the population of this county. Those articles make it sound like there are narcissists around every corner. It is predominantly found in men which is why what they do seems so much worse, maybe. I don’t really know. I just know that willy nilly articles about it make it sound like almost every man is this way. Just because a man is abusive doesn’t mean he is a narcissist.

I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting the battles with myself and I am tired of fighting people that are unaware and that refuse to be educated. Sometimes I think people don’t believe me when I tell them I am bipolar. It takes while to see the real crazy part. People at work think they have seen me freak out, HA! No way! My meds work good. And they allow me to have better control over what is in my mind and what my emotions and actions are. I usually do pretty good but especially when things come out of no where I struggle. I struggle hard. I don’t know how I made it so many years unmedicated. I don’t know how I am still married and have been for 15 years. I don’t know how I haven’t completely destroyed my life. All I know is that God has done BIG things for me and for my marriage. I know that God walks beside us and that when we feel lost he finds a way to remind us.

I am a narcissist. I have to figure out how to own that and how to use it to educate people. If I could prevent one thing it would be young people going through what I went through. If I could see them and help them and stop them from making the mistakes that I made. I want people to know. I want people to be able to look at their kids and see the signs and get them help before bad things happen. It’s scary!! And they need support and love. If there’s one thing I could change it would be kids not going through what I went theough(yes I said it again). Time for some more learning.

Be blessed and thanks for reading!!

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