Daily Archives: February 23, 2018

Stolen Freedom

On Monday I had an appointment with Sadie.  I wanted to summarize the week since I’d last seen her before addressing my real issue, which was a friend who was staying with me.  I didn’t even get to summarize the positive parts (including seeing a play and going to a sober prom), because I briefly […]

If There Were Olympics For Chronic Illness

The Winter Olympics are just about over and I have been enjoying many of the events from the relative comfort of my recliner. In a few weeks, Korea will be hosting the Paralympic Games for athletes with various physical abilities. These games are just as challenging as the original games and the athletes are just …

Getting Ready for the Trip

I head out in a little while to go gas up the car for our trip to the dance competition in Birmingham.  I’m not looking forward to it but I’m not actively dreading it either, so that is a plus.

I was so tired yesterday.  I still am somewhat but I am feeling better than I did yesterday.  Just hope I don’t relapse or pick up something new this weekend with all the stuff we’re going to be doing.

Going to meet Bob for lunch at a Mexican place.  So I have that to look forward to.  I’m all packed with my clothes, meds, and everything else.  We have CD;s picked out and I am debating bringing a book to read on the trip since my youngest doesn’t like to talk on trips like the other two do.  I just don’t know.

Wish our girls luck and wish me luck–I’m not taking my Xanax on the trip so I will just have to cope as best as I can without it.  Hopefully my recovery is strong enough to handle a big competition with out it. We will see.  Have a good weekend!



Homelessness Avoided…Still In Limbo

Well, we went, we saw, we liked, and the guy agreed to rent us the trailer in Armpit. It’s a nice place, front yard with an awning, back yard, shed- great place for a kid. Near the bus stop for school, near the church, near a playground. The only thing not nearby is the gas station but in a town the size of a gnat even that’s not a biggie.

I survived the anxiety and panic. Afterward, stepmonster took us out to supper, at an actual sit down restaurant, not fast food. Which was a first for me and Spook in…months, maybe a year. It was nice.I wasn’t even in panic mode anymore, I guess after 4 hours of it it kind of burned itself out. Stepmonster even bought me a phone card so I’d have talk to make the necessary calls to set things in motion.

Today I have to call the power company about transferring service. Then I need to go to Salvation Army about them paying the landlord dude a hundred bucks or so towards the deposit. Oddest thing, he balked at this, and said no, then it will become a habit. Um…I’ve not once asked anyone for rent help in 9 years, this is a one and done thing cos well, scumlord screwed us. What kind of person doesn’t want to be given money as long as it’s legal? Country folk, I guess.

He still has a few things he wants to do to the place before we can move in so…in a holding pattern. Hellish limbo. My personality is, let’s get it done already…But just knowing we have a place now is a weight off my shoulders.

Apparently not too much weight, as it is 3:15 a.m and I am awake writing this instead of sleeping. I caught two hours or so, woke around 11:30 and try as though I might, even with half a melatonin and o.5 of xanax…my spinning brain won’t shut up, my heart won’t slow down. I have that ‘rooster hour’ mental haze going on and I would love to catch a few hours before I have to get the spawn up for school and face the day. Yet my body and mind won’t cooperate so I lay down, toss, turn, sit up, wait, lather,rinse, repeat.

Soo much to do to prepare to move. Yet until the place is landlord ready-he needs to check the water pipes for leaks, he wants to shampoo the rugs, etc…Limbo.

It’s not lack of gratitude or refusal to accept a win. My disorder just makes me so anxious over every tiny thing it impacts me on every level. Good or bad. That’s my litmus test when people make me ponder whether or not my disorders are legitimate. Does it just interfere with things I dislike doing? Or does it impact even the things I love? It impacts everything, thus my disorders are real and disabling.

But hey…it’s a win. Having a place to live. Hopefully it won’t cost limbs to heat or cool and we won’t marinate in sweat or freeze our spleens off. OOhhh…sunshine spewage. I must really still be tired and need sleep to regain my usual cycnical sarcasm.

Knowing how my scumbag brain works…I will nod off about a half hour before the alarm goes off.

Then be unable to get back to sleep all day. And have zero energy physically or mentally.

Same old, same old.

But hey… I was starting to check out cardboard boxes for wifi access so..this is a good thing. Even if my panic disorder sucks out all the goodness from it.

Is Time on my side?

Alive in my mind
Standing still in most places
The record keeper
Ever reminding me of the past
Trying to forecast the future
Counting my steps
As I bungle through the day
Plugging in to see if Im alive
Your pictures
My lack of pictures
Your savvy slogans
My mundane one liners
Has become the test of existence
Under the radar
I so prefer to fly
Looking to share that one moment
Looking for acceptance
With a click
A big yellow smile
Please love me
And then love me more
Vulnerability not accepted
No room for that emotional cash
Perfecting the look
Or just not trying
Forbidden is the truth
Behind the scripted words
Scripted picture
Capturing the happiness
On digital film
So easily replicated or transformed
Belief manufactured with
The push of a button
Authenticity gives way
To cultural expectation