Daily Archives: February 15, 2018

I Intent to Write

Here I sit in the Laguna Hills Community Center foyer, intending to write, to tackle my memoir and collection of short pieces from my blog. I find myself stuck. Spend time on social media. Avoid the draft I have saved…

Mommy’s Coming To Visit And The Apartment is CLEAN!

Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred!  I have cleaned my apartment!!!!  It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!!  But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!!  She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!!  She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!!  The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed.  Fuck, I even made the bed!!!  Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it!  But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!!  I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!

In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week.  I have had a couple of down, panicked days.  I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled.  This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you.  I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK!  You are going to LIVE!  You are going to live through this somehow!!  Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!!  So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.

After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy.  I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship.  There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for.  Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security.  It’s worth a try.

Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well.  Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you.  Peach out for now, BPOF!

Dental Visit

Had a dentist visit this morning and that went well–no cavities or anything.  Got a nasty surprise with the bill though.  My dental insurance company is refusing to pay on the crown I got last year–said i had a waiting period before they paid for anything and I had it done in that waiting period.  So now we have to pay for the whole thing.  So that wasn’t good. I paid half on it and they’ll send a bill for the other half.

Ordered the cake for my youngest one’s birthday party this weekend.  Hopefully it will turn out good.  I need to go back to the grocery store in a bit and do the shopping for the weekend.  It won’t be a lot but it needs to be done.

I sure am glad I got an acceptance early in the week because I’ve gotten one or two rejections a day ever since. But that is just the way this submission business is.  All I can do i see who might be interested in what i have.

Pretty and warm day today–it makes it so much easier to stay awake when it’s not so cold and dreary outside.  So that has been good. I need to do laundry today–having the appointment put me behind.  But I’ll get it all taken care of.

Hopefully we will have a good weekend for the sleepover for my youngest one’s friends and that will go well.  Hope everyone reading has a good weekend as well,


The Fresh Hell Of Anxiety Overload

Help if you can

So, yeah, another fundraiser but this time…It’s to keep a roof over my kid’s head. I doubt that’s as important as some 8 year princess raising money to have her dream bedroom decorated but…It’s necessary. Though I understand things are tough for everyone so even if you can just post to social media…We’re in a bind here and it’s eating me alive.

I did talk to ‘he who lies like a rug’ former landlord and he says we have til April 1rst though our leases are up and they won’t accept rent but we still have to pay to live here…HUH? The homeowner option is a no-go for me even without a need for financing. They monthly cost is being jacked $75, plus we’d need homeowner’s insurance, plus all maintenance would be my financial responsibility. This place is falling apart so…no thanks. That leaves…moving.And that takes funds. I can’t save anything if I am paying for another month here and my family’s already made it clear they don’t have room for me and my kid unless it’s for a day or two….So anyone who can…help!

I wasn’t feeling too bad today when I got up even though I had a pretty toss and turn and worry to panic night. I went out…then my car started dying on me. Not just at stop signs and lights…Just every ten feet. And it was straining the battery, not to mention flooding the engine. Must have died ten times before I got back from the library (to return books, I couldn’t focus enough to read with all this crap going on) and by the time I got home I was so pissed and frustrated…

I failed to make sure the seatbelt didn’t get caught in the door so two hours later, I realized the dome light had been left on and I had a dead battery. Had to call my nephew and his girlfriend for a jump start. I went out again and again, the fucker just kept dying on me. I’ve told dad and stepmonster, they used to work on my cars, but now…they won’t do fuck all for me. Because, ya know, I don’t hold a job therefore I am not relevant or worthy of help. Their neighbor, on the other hand, works and has a kid and they loaned her their spare SUV for two months. A job makes you a great person, ya know. But hey…she brought it back with a dent in it so they turned on her a bit, so maybe having a job doesn’t mean you’re flawless.

I am sooo over this car business. Just a trip to the store is beyond frustrating. I guess I should have suffered for the luxury of R buying me a different car but there comes a point where suffering is essentiallly suicidal, not to mention the strings attached. I made my bed, I will lay in it. Least it’s string free and I don’t have to hear how awesome Trump is. (Seriously, does anyone? The man Tweets how amazing he is a hundred times a day, he doesn’t need anyone else to like him. Truth hurts.)

Today I have a parent teacher conference so I will be dropping Spook at Mom’s, she’s staying the night. I am nervous as to what this teacher is going to tell me. My kid just brought home a midterm report card with 3 A pluses, an A, and a B, so her grades are fine. This is the first time since my kid started pre-k any teacher has asked for a second conference in the same grade. I am freaking out. Is this where she relates that my kid is anxious and worried and I am a terrible parent for transferring it to her? What can I say, I am honest with the child and if it causes anxiety, well I am sorry but I’d rather not wake her up one day and announce ‘we have to move, I would have told you sooner but the experts say it’s too stressful on kids.”

The anxiety has me crawling out of my skin. Yesterday after that ‘homeowner’s only’ thing was delivered to my door, I fell victim to nasty stomach issues, I barely ate, I didn’t sleep well. Freaking out would be an understatement, even though I am trying to keep my cool, somewhat. I have an appt with Salvation Army after p/t meeting, see if the can assist us in any way.

This year has been a suckfest and of course, it has to happen during one of my WORST blackest depressions ever. I didn’t even have suicidal thoughts after the donor left us penniless, that’s how I know this depressive bout has been the worst. I’ve been in far bleaker situations before and not felt this hopeless and maimed mentally. I am a step away from ripping out clumps of hair and screaming WHOSE CHEERIOS DID I PISS IN TO DESERVE THIS?

Not self pity, I know things are tough all over. It is, however, frustration, and very valid. My God, you’d think ONE thing might go right for us.

Yesterday was also a black day cos I sent 5 cats to live on the farm. Felt like having pieces of my heart carved out and carted away. They were outside, not harming anyone, whereas the neighnbor’s idget dog barks constantly every time she ties it outdoors. But nooo, the cats are the problem. People suck. Well, not all people, but lately, enough of them suck to lead me to the conclusion that basic human decency needs a toe tag.

I can’t wait til the appointments are over and my death trap car gets me home safely. It’s like I am stuck, can’t think straight, can’t eat even if I am hungry, I’m worried what the teacher is going to tell me about my kid, I am worried there is no help available as far as the housing situation goes (and for anyone who is going to suggest the housing/section 8, been there, wait list is a year long and we supposedly have until April 1rst, but scumlord lies so who knows…)

It’s maddening. No focus, no hope, no drawing of relieving breaths. But then this is pretty much my every day thanks to my stupid malfunctioning brain.At least now the masses that are asses can agree…I have good reason to be panicking and off kilter.

Amazing how many people believe in God on faith alone, never having seen proof…Yet if you have a mental illness, no one has faith it’s real cos they can’t see it.

No human decency. I wish humanity would prove me wrong.

Oh, And Happy Valentine’s Day