Daily Archives: February 14, 2018

Evicted Due To Being Broke

One of the maintenance men delivered this to my door today. This is the FIRST any tenant has heard about them kicking us out unless we buy. The entire reason most of us live here is because we are too broke to afford a home.

My daughter and I lose our lease March 30th.

This gives 6 weeks without a spare dime to find a place and move.

To say panic is setting in is an understatement. This on top of everything else that has happened, and my own mental health struggles.

So, to my chagrin I am doing another fundraising campaign in hopes of at least getting a little money together should some other living arrangement arise.

I am livid that after 9 years of never once paying late or causing any trouble that we would be treated this shabbily but all tenants are facing this so it’s not personal against me, at least.

If you can help, PLEASE.

If not, at least pass the link on social media. I am between a rock and a hard place here and I am just trying to do right by my kid.

Donate here


Happy Valentine’s Day

Hope everyone is having themselves a fine Valentine’s Day.  I’m having a lazy one–I am taking it easy and not pushing today.  I am wearing my red for the day and enjoying how that feels–it’s a jacket and top that I had been too fat to wear most of the winter but since I’ve lost some weight, I can actually fit into it.   So that is nice.

I’ve been very sleepy today–I’m not sure why.  I had weird dreams last night but they didn’t exactly keep me up once i woke up from them.  I don’t know what my problem is.

I may soon get another list to continue my other website–we will see if Lisa, my friend from the MFA program, will come through in time with hers.  I hope so.  Even though I’m not getting a lot of readers, I don’t want to let the site die just yet.

WE got Girl Scout cookies in last night. I am trying to ration out how many I eat, but they are so good.

It looks like a pretty day here today–i think it’s supposed to get up to 70’s.  I’m looking forward to nice weather and sunny days.  i love that time of year the most–when it is just warming up after the winter of being cold.  I wish I had the azaleas I had at our old house–they were a wonderful harbinger of spring.   I miss all those flowers  sometimes.

My mood is holding well–I’m listening to Vince Guaraldi and enjoying all the Charlie Brown and Peanuts music as well as his other stuff.  I wish all my days could be like this.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week and a lovely weekend.


Arting Away The Megrims

I’m frozen. Anticipation paralysis. A mixed-state too fast-moving to be displaced by my usual trickery.

I have the Moving Out Cleaning Checklist from my landlord, but all I can do is read it. Over and over. I know I must pull together supplies to take to the art workshop in Taos, but I watch Season 3 of “Poldark” instead.

Still. I have my journal.

This morning my sister texted that she showed this spread to her Merry Widows group last night. Two of the members are professional artists. They said I must join the Artists’ Guild as soon as I get to Muskogee.

Somewhere, off in the distance, I hear ice cracking.

The Exhaustion Of Depression

After yesterday’s total immersion in the depressive abyss…I woke today feeling only slightly less inclined to keep breathing. The gray dreary weather and cold temperature sure doesn’t help. But yesterday was awful. I had lunch and started feeling sick, then got chills and curled up under fort blankie and nodded off for ninety minutes. Napping during the day is not my norm, pure depressive artifact. It was all I could do to keep going and faking normalcy for my kid. I made a little playtime for her, fed her, contemplated feeding myself but I was so cold and chilled…when she zonked, I took to fort blankie and it wasn’t even 8 p.m. I slept in spurts, aided by Xanax and melatonin. No more of that Attrax, nooooope. Proof that stuff was the culprit is that I did sleep and I don’t feel like I got hit by a truck today. Whoever created that stuff is a sadist. Probably the same idget who decided Latuda’s a good idea. (No offense to those who respond well to these medications, but I’ve been on a lot of meds with a lot of icky side effects, for me to hold a grudge means that particular med was toxic to me in every way.)

Today is the planned day to relocate the outdooor cats in hopes it will keep the landlord from evicting us. I am sad but it is necessary. The cats prefer living outdoors so a vast stretch of farmland with mice to catch and barns to sleep in and a man who will feed and water them daily…That’s better than the pound. Doesn’t make it easier. Life is lonely when you go outside and don’t see even one kitty to pet. Well, it is for me. I don’t see how the stray cats or outside cats hurt a damned thing but unfortunately, it’s asshole nation where someone’s gotta suck all the joy out of life for some of us.

Other than relocating the cats…I have no plans for today. The weather makes me feel like sludge but mostly…yesterday exhausted me. I know, it sounds ludicrous to be exhausted doing little but sleeping and yet this is the reality of depression. I have lots I could be doing but until the current depressive cycle with its debilitating physical impact passes…

At least I don’t feel suicidal. That’s something to be thankful for. Because yesterday….I really felt like I was being driven that direction.

Thank pegacorn I have the strength to ride out the black abyss days. How much longer I will have the strength is anyone’s guess.

Depression is a metastatic cancer of the mind and anyone who disagrees has obviously never been a chronic sufferer.

Miserable Valenswine’s Day to everyone.