After yesterday’s total immersion in the depressive abyss…I woke today feeling only slightly less inclined to keep breathing. The gray dreary weather and cold temperature sure doesn’t help. But yesterday was awful. I had lunch and started feeling sick, then got chills and curled up under fort blankie and nodded off for ninety minutes. Napping during the day is not my norm, pure depressive artifact. It was all I could do to keep going and faking normalcy for my kid. I made a little playtime for her, fed her, contemplated feeding myself but I was so cold and chilled…when she zonked, I took to fort blankie and it wasn’t even 8 p.m. I slept in spurts, aided by Xanax and melatonin. No more of that Attrax, nooooope. Proof that stuff was the culprit is that I did sleep and I don’t feel like I got hit by a truck today. Whoever created that stuff is a sadist. Probably the same idget who decided Latuda’s a good idea. (No offense to those who respond well to these medications, but I’ve been on a lot of meds with a lot of icky side effects, for me to hold a grudge means that particular med was toxic to me in every way.)
Today is the planned day to relocate the outdooor cats in hopes it will keep the landlord from evicting us. I am sad but it is necessary. The cats prefer living outdoors so a vast stretch of farmland with mice to catch and barns to sleep in and a man who will feed and water them daily…That’s better than the pound. Doesn’t make it easier. Life is lonely when you go outside and don’t see even one kitty to pet. Well, it is for me. I don’t see how the stray cats or outside cats hurt a damned thing but unfortunately, it’s asshole nation where someone’s gotta suck all the joy out of life for some of us.
Other than relocating the cats…I have no plans for today. The weather makes me feel like sludge but mostly…yesterday exhausted me. I know, it sounds ludicrous to be exhausted doing little but sleeping and yet this is the reality of depression. I have lots I could be doing but until the current depressive cycle with its debilitating physical impact passes…
At least I don’t feel suicidal. That’s something to be thankful for. Because yesterday….I really felt like I was being driven that direction.
Thank pegacorn I have the strength to ride out the black abyss days. How much longer I will have the strength is anyone’s guess.
Depression is a metastatic cancer of the mind and anyone who disagrees has obviously never been a chronic sufferer.
Miserable Valenswine’s Day to everyone.
