Daily Archives: January 24, 2018


So I finally made it to my therapy appointment with Tillie. We had a good talk–we talked about my boredom and how I need to get more structure and engagement in my life and how I might do that.  I talked about the different things I was doing and she agreed I seemed to be heading in the right direction.

I slept in this morning but I think I am finally getting over what the stomach bug did to me.  So I feel better than yesterday and hopefully can not do that the rest of today.  I missed Bob on his lunch hour so am a little lonely right now, but I should hear from him between two and three and that will be nice.  Then we have church tonight and will see friends then.

I go to my makeup appointment tomorrow and am expecting not a miracle but something good from it.  Try and add a little polish to how I look.  That is what i am really hoping for.  We will see how I turn out.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.  Here’s to at least keeping our new year’s resolutions through February! 🙂


Panic Disorder: Living Life On Red Alert

“Panic attacks won’t kill you, just breathe. Be mindful. Calm down. It’s no big deal.”

Oh, how sick I am of hearing this sort of thing in response to anxiety and panic disorder. OF COURSE, I know panic attacks won’t kill me. I also know that my entire life is lived on red alert where even the most benign events can trigger fight of flight impulses. I fight these impulses as hard as I can and sometimes I am successful. I feel it inwardly and it’s terrifying and it sucks but I don’t show it on the outside.

More often, though, I fail to keep things wrapped up tightly and others can see all is not right in Morgueland. I can just imagine the ‘deer in the headlights’ look I must have when panic sets in. The sweating (btw, bevahiorists and polygraphs, sweat is NOT always an indicator of dishonesty, for some of us just a ringing phone can set off a physical reaction, viva panic disorder), the hyperventilating, the trembling, the inability to form coherent thoughts and act accordingly….Well, it has proven difficult for others to handle time and again and I have found myself losing relationships because I can’t even go out to a crowded restaurant or a concert without this extreme reaction.

If anyone grasped how much I like music and how much I want to be able to enjoy live bands…Then they’d get how much these disorders cripple me. But people don’t understand, don’t try to. Fair enough,tending to a friend’s panic attacks are not a good way to spend the evening, nor do I expect anyone to handhold when it happens. Though it would be refresing were people to simply tell me I am an embarrassment as opposed to shuffling off as if I am biohazardous.

This post comes because today I find myself quite strung out with anxiety. I heard footsteps earlier outside the window and it set off ‘fight or flight’ receptors. Which is ridiculous but it’s very real. Not fatal but very, very real. I am not faking the speeding heart, the sweat rolling down my sides, my heart squeezing in my chest like someone’s fist is around it…I am just as terrified as if faced with a machete wielding homicidal maniac.

It is illogical, and sure, snap out of it already.

I’ll get right on that as soon as the general public snaps out of their ‘being an asshole’ disorder.


Enough said.

Penny Positive #51

From An Optimist’s Calendar


What I Expected

At 9am this morning the shrink called to cancel my appt. Why don’t we get to charge them for letting us know when there are less than 2 hours before an appt. I also called the pharmacy and they just wanted to tell me that my Rexulti still isn’t covered. I know appeals take a while and there is a lot of reason to think they are going to just say no again. Needless to say I’m not hopeful. Luckily my shrink left me a couple weeks of samples to do me until my new appt. Feb 5.

The puppy is doing so much better, it’s like having a small child. I’m exhausted plus I didn’t hardly sleep at all last night because I was worried about traveling on shitty roads. She is playing like crazy but I worry she is getting more attached to my husband than me and I wanted this one for myself. Course he’s gone all day and doesn’t need to admonish her so I’m the mean momma. I did get her pad trained already though which I have to say I’m pretty proud of.

My mood has been okay, it’s hard to be up when you’re exhausted.  I’m trying though. I just feel like I can’t get enough sleep, I had a nap at 6pm, which in hindsight might not have been the smartest thing but I had to lay down, I was starting to doze on the couch and I didn’t want to get my face bitten by a little teething puppy.  Man she has some sharp teeth.

Well this post is all over the place, but you get the gist of it.


My latest diagnosis, which came after my hernia repair surgery in May, is sleep apnea. While I was in recovery, I stopped breathing a few times so I woke up with a CPAP mask on my face. Now, I am extremely claustrophobic and one of my worst fears is having something on my face. The …