Daily Archives: January 23, 2018


Everyone is commenting good things on my story and commenting on what I already knew were weak points.  SO everything is going well so far. No one has come up and blindsided me or anything, so everyone is behaving well.

I feel so weird reading all this stuff.  Being up for workshop is always a weird experience.  You’ve basically put your soul out for people to inspect.  And they do. Like I said, so far everyone is playing nice with me so it is better than it could be.  I’m looking forward to seeing my professor’s reaction as well.

I wrote up my reading response this morning so I get to take a breather for a while until we get comments and I have to respond to one.  The story was really weird but good, well-written so that was nice.

I just wish I felt better.  I skipped my meds Sunday night and Monday because I wasn’t sure I was going to keep them down so I am kind of off kilter today.  But hopefully I will feel better and see how the day goes.  I need to go to the grocery store, too. I may wind up taking a Xanax for the first time in a long time just to settle my nerves.

I missed my therapy appointment–I completely forgot about it until my counselor called.  I tried to go but traffic was too bad for me to get there in a reasonable time so we set up another appointment for tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a good week.  See you when I feel better.


Interview Today

I have an interview today and instead of studying, I’m writing this blog post!  This is indicative of how unfocused I am.  Oh lawd if only there was such a thing as an IV feed of Adderall….maybe that’s what meth is for I don’t know…No I’m kidding meth is no laughing matter I had a friend who developed a meth addiction and it was really the shits for him and very hard to get off of it.  I just wish I could get focused!!  I did do some studying…maybe one drop…and now I’m fucking off.  Oh how I miss the cigarettes.  That would be another excellent way to waste time in this situation.  I think I am feeling defeated before the fact because I feel unqualified for the job and I don’t know why they are interviewing me and I’m afraid it’s going to be a total shitshow where I just sit there and drool and say “Duhhhhh” to all their questions.  Why oh WHY did I think it was a good idea to switch careers?  Oh yeah because I fucking HATE Desktop Support!!!  That only took a second.  I have a Desktop Support interview on Friday.  I sent out my brand spanking new resume yesterday and I got a call back within an hour for an interview.  Well it’s good to have options.  I need to start earning a paycheck again in the worst way!

Ok back to studying.  Hope you’re having a good day.  Peaches!

Why I’m going to sue a doctor and psychiatric hospital

old vineyard

If you have read any of my blogs before, you know that I am a mental health advocate and tell it like it is.  After a deep depression for 6 1/2 months, I became hypomanic so I voluntarily committed myself to a psychiatric hospital called Old Vineyard Behavioral Health Services.  I would have to say that it was one of the nicest places I have ever been. Most of the staff treated the patients with respect and things were handled correctly for the most part. This was refreshing compared to other psychiatric hospitals I have been to.  They also had a patient advocate who was very responsive to any complaints.  I was also able to see the supervisor which is something extraordinary.

I have been in many hospitals for medical and psychiatric reasons over the past 35 years, but the worst was the psychiatric floor at Novant Health in Winston Salem. I have been there for pancreatitis and a hysterectomy and treated with respect and got very good care. The opposite was the case when I was admitted to their psychiatric floor.  The food was ordered from a different place and was disgusting, the rooms were not clean, the beds were so uncomfortable that my back hurt, and the almost all the staff treated the patients like we were caged animals.  When I contacted the patient services and supervisors via email, filling out contact forms, filling out a survey, snail mail, phone calls and even a personal visit, things went nowhere. I did not even receive a letter.  This was not the case when I contacted them after my other two stays for medical reasons.  This proves to me that they are discriminatory and I have witnessed many times that I was treated like an an animal and disrespected. This includes a time that I was there for pain and vomiting and was told by a nurse that I was not in pain, I was crazy.

Going back to why I plan to sue Old Vineyard:  I hate to do it as I stated earlier it is one of the better places I have been.

I voluntarily checked myself in and was first put on a floor run by Keshavpal Reddy, MD.    He never met me and prescribed medications.  My regular doctor who I had seen for years was on another wing and I just spent one night on Dr. Reddy’s floor waiting for a bed on Dr. Thotakura’s floor who has been the best psychiatrist I have ever seen. Unfortunately, when I moved floors, I did not get a bed for several hours so all of my stuff was put behind the nurse’s station. I had no place to go for quiet time and anything I needed from my stuff I had to ask a staff member.  The staff was not friendly and acted like it was an inconvenience anytime I needed anything.  I did not ask very often. I would stand by the desk patiently waiting and no one would recognize that I was there.  After about five minutes, I would politely ask, may I please have such and such.  They would then treat me poorly.  I was disappointed because the floor I had just come from was so nice and refreshing.  I found out later that they were totally slammed and I soon started to like the floor better, especially after I saw my doctor.  There was one staff member who showed no compassion whatsoever and I was not the only one who had a problem with her. In fact, several of the patients asked for her to be fired.  I know her name, but have decided to withhold it because she did explain later that she did care. Of course, later, she proved the opposite once again, but I will go into that later.

Soon after I was admitted, I started having pains in my abdomen, was nauseous, and even vomited.  I was given meds for it, but when it got too bad, since it was not a medical hospital, they transferred me to a local hospital for treatment.  It was during a snow storm and therefore, no one in my family could come be with me.  After being discharged, I had to wait several hours to be picked up by a van (It was a van being used to pick up staff for the hospital due to the snow.)  While waiting, I started getting sick again so I went back through the ER and was finally given the right treatment and was released.  I was picked up by the person I mentioned earlier who was rude and other patients wanted her fired. Not once did she show compassion.  She did not talk to me at all including asking me how I was feeling.  Good grief is all I will say about that.

Later, while still at Old Vineyard I still had problems and wanted to go back to ER as my pain level was 10 even though I was on percocet. I also was extremely nauseous again and the zofran, an anti-nausea medicine was not working.  I asked to please go back to ER.  My doctor was unfortunately not on call.  He had said when I met with him earlier that he was hoping I would be admitted to the hospital as the Old Vineyard was not equipped to help me and I was more medically sick than hypomanic (the reason I admitted myself).

The doctor on call was Dr. Reddy, who I previously already mentioned. Without seeing me, talking to me, or examining me, he decided not to let me go back to the hospital. Luckily, I was able to finally go to sleep despite the pain.

The next day, I complained to the patient advocate, but nothing was really done.  When I was discharged, I immediately went to the ER and they determined I had ulcers, was extremely constipated and had gastritis. I am still waiting to have an endoscopy to see if anything else is wrong. Dr. Reddy is the doctor I plan to sue as he caused me to suffer in pain.

The reason I plan to sue the hospital is this (and like I said previously, I hate doing this as they are a good hospital):

One of the complaints I told the patient advocate about was that the shower did not drain right and the whole bathroom would flood. I told her that it was hazardous and I was afraid my roommate would fall.  I figured that other showers were designed the same way and was hoping that the hospital would eventually remedy the situation.

While taking a shower, I ended up slipping and falling.  I had just turned off the water and was putting my shampoo and conditioner back into the box. (They do not allow you to keep it in your room-common practice at psychiatric hospitals).  Somehow, and I am not sure exactly how, I ended up on the floor landing hard on my butt, making my back hurt.  I yelled to my roommate to get help.  Help came and all they did was put a band on my wrist that said “fall risk”. I was not asked if I was okay.  I later went to the nurse’s station and told them that I fell and needed something for my back as it hurt from the fall.  They really showed no compassion and a supervisor was never called to check me out or to see why I fell.

That night, I got to where I was nauseous again and had abdominal pain that the percocet would not help.  Let alone, my back hurt from the fall.  I asked that an ambulance be called and was told that they would not do it.  So, somehow, although they make it almost impossible to call out on the phone to call 911, I somehow did it.  I actually talked to someone and I am sure there is a recording of it.  I then went into my room thinking they would arrive as I gave them my room number and even told them that the hospital would not call probably because they did not want to get sued because I had fallen in the shower.  I do not know what happened after that as somehow, thru the pain, I was able to fall asleep.

The next morning I decided not to mention the pain or ask about the 911 call as I then decided that I was going to try and sue the hospital.  I am hoping that a lawyer will pick up my case.  I did call a supervisor (Her name was Leah) and showed her the shower and she said she saw the problem.  I also wrote up a complaint for patient advocate and placed it in the box entitling it Law Suit. I have not heard anything from the hospital.

I am still medically sick and have an appointment with my GI doctor today, but as soon as I start feeling better medically, I plan to call a lawyer.

This is not the first time that something like this happened to me. Another time, when I was living in Florida, I complained about pain and was throwing up.  A doctor came and examined me and said I did not need medical attention. Two days after I was discharged, I had my gall bladder removed. I tried to get someone to listen to me then and nothing ever came of it.  In fact, I ended up with a $6,000 bill (I had insurance) because they had made a mistake and sent me from the medical hospital to a psychiatric hospital that was not covered by my insurance.  I had to pay that and wrote to everyone I could think of (including the President of the United States) and nothing was ever done.  I do have to mention that several years later, I got a check in the mail for $3,000 and not really sure why they finally decided to refund some of the money.

I do have to also mention here that I have written to my state representatives, all governors, all Congressman, the President, not just by filling out forms and emailing them, but in many cases hand delivering them and/or sending them certified mail.  I have only heard from about 6 governors.  The letters were not about the hospital stay.  They were more general about how the mentally ill are treated in America and how I had some solutions.  When the debates were going on from the recent election, I wrote to all the campaigns asking them to talk about mental illness and they never did.  I even went to a rally for Ted Cruz and personally delivered a letter and never heard anything. I also personally delivered a letter to a campaign office for the then candidate President Trump.  I was never contacted and as you know, mental illness, although a serious problem in the United States, is never talked about unless there is a tragedy.

Please check out some of my blogs that deal with my mental health advocacy:

Dear Future President,

The Presidential Candidates Need to Talk about Mental Health







Traffic Jam Of The Brain

“It’s a traffic jam of the brain…makes you wanna scream and shout…”
—-Scritti Politti. “Let’s Go All The Way”

It’s been days since I have written and it’s not because I don’t need a good rant or venting session. It’s because I DO have a traffic jam of the brain. Too many thoughts and utter frustration that I can’t assemble them into some facsimile of coherent prose. I swear the racing jumbled thoughts get worse by the day and all the professionals can say is “it’s anxiety” or “retrain your mind using better coping behaviors”.

To which I say…fuckest thou.

Yesterday was my birthday. Happy #45. For my birthday. I got…ten bucks from someone not even technically related to me, and she did it because even MY OWN ASS TRASH FATHER couldn’t be bothered with even a card. He did call the day before to say happy birthday and razz me about my old age, adding, “We called today because we’re just going to be too busy tomorrow.” And yep, not even a text on my actual birthday. In addition to nothing but insult and injury, our heat has been out going on 5 days and the landscum,er, lord, keeps dicking me around with the guy is gonna be there this day, then this day, no, this day…It’s fucking heat, not a dammned luxury during winter!!!!!

I managed, for the first time in A BLOODY WEEK, to shower yesterday…and promptly kitten Vex pissed on me and my nice clean, warm clothes. And that’s a statement about my entire birthday, even though my sister did bring me a card and some Halloween cupcakes cos that’s all the decorating stuff she had but it was sweet of her. Otherwise, I felt pissed on. My kid was having meltdowns about school, then declaring her hatred for all birthdays except her own cos it’s not about her, then she was on about gym class and homework….

2018 blows goats.

Jan 1-K’s suicide.

2nd week- uncle dying of bone cancer in ICU 8 straight days with the flu and additional infection they had to call in infectious disease specialist for, he’s intubated and just sleeps, mom’s been there 9 days straight. Oh and hey, here, have a new shrink for yourself, but not until March, apparently our psych nurse doesn’t find your case important enough for sooner treatment.

3rd week- no fucking heat day after day thus I am uncomfortable. Which until today was okay because it was in the fifties and I was the only one complaining, I really really have something in my body that makes me cold even when it’s not. The monthly curse arrives with agonizing cramps. I get peed on by a cat, on my birthday, essentially pissed on by my father, dicked around by the landlord, and oh, a $335 power/heating bill I cannot possibly pay and since I’ve already had an extension, I am so screwed.


I’m exhausted, obviously, why else would I be awake at 4:25 a.m. with frozen hands typing…I’ve been up every two hours for four days, truly stressed about the heating situation. How this is acceptable is beyond me. Stupid things a tiny space heater is gonna keep us warm when it’s made to warm a bathroom, not a place with 3 bedrooms and two full baths. I am holding my temper in check, barely, because I want to rant and I think this is rant worthy, but because things are so precarious with the holding company now owning the place and scumlord simply being ‘manager’, I don’t dare get too ‘stand up for myself’ lest it rock the boat.

In spite of all this…I am hanging tough. I am not melting down, at least not in a major way. So much for the professionals saying I just quit when things get too tough. (Oh maybe they didn’t say it, or didn’t put it that bluntly, but I got the gist from nurse doc,grrr, my bete noir.) Getting off Trintellix, getting away from R, and laying off booze has helped immensely. I also tossed aside Paxis and went back on leftover Pristiq, which, I checked, and this was the last working combo I had when I was seeing Dr. B before he abandoned me. (Yeah, yeah, he likely got a better job offer, not all about me, blah blah blah.) I am just gonna keep with the Pristiq/wellbutrin/Lamictal cocktail til I see the new doc in March. As long as it gets me through. I don’t see how they left me much choice. That nurse saw me crumbling and gave zero fucks and if it were within my power, I would sue her on principle for being so apathetic that it has caused me great mental anguish and contributed to me not trusting or believing in psych professionals.

Which leads me to the other traffic jam in my brain, which makes L.A. traffic snarls look tame: the whole therapy/personality disorder thing. In the attempt to be fair and take a long hard look at myself and determine how my own behavior contributes to my condition…All I’ve realized is that borderline and bipiolar disorder mimick each other so closely, it’s not a shocker the pros can’t figure it out seeing me 20 minutes every 6 weeks. I am not in denial, I do have some borderline characteristics. The difference is, I LIKE being alone, I almost want to be abandoned once the shine has gone off of relationships. And that’s just me, people bore me easily and my hobbies don’t require other people. Unless you, too, like binge watching the shows I like, watching me read the books I like, listening to the music I like…I like what I like and I am damned sick of it turning into a personality disorder.

I am too damned old for this level of confusion and the professionals are what caused it. If I could just live outside their stupid labels and just be an individual…But nope. Mental health care is getting worse now that some doctors are using computer algorithms to determine pat treatments for the top 7 mental disorders. No, I am not making that up. Google ‘mental health treatment algorithm”. I don’t even trust those things to give me relevant adds on my gmail. Dear God, I write one message about a condom joke and next I know, I’ve got ads from the top ten rubber manufacturers in the world. Fuck you, Google, and fuck you, doctors, for using an algorithm because you’re too damned lazy to treat us as individuals and WORK to help us. Honestly, if the computer algorithm is doing the work, then let’s allow everyone with a computer to become a shrink. Not like it takes special know how these days to use a computer.

I am further haunted by March’s appointment with the new doctor. I need to get her on my side, seem sincere (I can come off as insincere when I am really nervous or ‘off’), and I need to do it without a lot of rambling and going off topic. Because aside from Dr. B, none of them give a rat’s ass about getting me on track, they just say ‘get therapy’. And I would, except the only place my insurance covers, is a hot pit of incompetence and confidentiality breakers. They think I need it so bad yet not one of their therapists in office can offer me a price break? Proof they only care about the money, not the client. Makes it hard for me to take their word for anything.

Okay…I need to warm my hands under fort blankie so I will end this rant. But hey…I showered and I wrote all within a 24 hour period…I’m gonna call it a win.

Not saying a lot for 2018 that this counts as a win but I will take it.

Bipolar1blog in “Awesome Survivor Blogs” List! 👏🙏😀

Dear https://myloudbipolarwhispers.com Thank you so much for putting bipolar1blog.com on your list of bipolar survivors! I am so honored!


Frigging Snow

Today I woke up to a world covered in snow, hell it’s still snowing. It might make it so that I can’t make it to my shrinks tomorrow and I’m out of rexulti.  Do you ever just know things aren’t going to work out? I’m feeling slightly pessimistic right now.  The drugstore called me and I have no idea why and of course I didn’t get the message until after they were closed so now I have to wait for that until tomorrow.

On the Dani front, the pup seems to be feeling much better now that she has a couple days worth of antibiotics in her. She’s still coughing but she is running around and having a blast. The other two dogs are still getting used to her, Lilly our littlest is being a super bitch to her, she actually bit at her face and pulled out some fur. We’ll be taking the puppy with us when we go out so as not to leave them alone. I honestly thought she would love the puppy the most since Charlie never plays with her and she is only a couple years old, still a puppy herself. I think she is jealous at this point and I know it will pass.

On the mood front, I had an ok day, not a great mood and not a lot of sleep because who knew it would be so difficult sleeping with 3 dogs in a king sized bed. We’ll work it out though.  Trying to stay on the positive side of things is definitely difficult to say the least. Kind of looking forward to when I can smoke weed again. Just something to look forward to I guess.

Well that’s it for today. Least I’m blogging.


But Will I….

How is it I go from hibernation and suicidal thinking to wanting to embark on a 9 mile hike w strangers? It’s the same way I go from feeling so strong in my interview to thinking I’ve been an imposter the last 17 years. Yes..I have something to offer. Are you freaking kidding…I have Nothing to offer! I got by, and succeeded, because it was all in-house. Same agency for 17 years, I knew how to fake a job well done.
My mind absolutely will not stop ruminating. Perseverating on the interview of going on 4 days ago. An interview where, perhaps, i might have performed okay. I answered all the questions. I smiled. I was personable. I walked away thinking I just might have nailed it. As reasonable nails go. I think back and am fairly happy w my answers.
Yet, my bipolar brain..if that’s what this obsession is..keeps replaying it. Over. And over. I wake at 3 am w a “better” answer. Why oh why didn’t I say THIS or THAT. Of course you should have said….
I’m trying to block it out. I’m trying to breathe. What’s done is done. I showed up!
I’ve cleaned the house. I’ve worked out. I’ve taken a nap. I’ve cooked dinner. No distraction helps. No distraction frees me. I can’t take it back. I can’t call and say I’ve got the answer. Why won’t my brain let me rest? I don’t want to replay it. I absolutely do not. But it replays anyway.
So, this hike. I need something big right now. I need a solid accomplishment. I also need to get out of my house, out of myself! I think I have the physical stamina. Do I have the ability to be around others…strangers? Yet folks who are like minded. I’ve done short meet up hikes. I’m getting in my own way. I think I can do it.
But, will I?