If Only My Body Raced As Much As My Mind

Plus side…I seemed to have gotten some much needed sleep last night by taking 9mg melatonin. (What’s next, rehab for addiction to the very herbals the docs prefer we take?) I woke up a few times but I actually felt rested when I got up this morning. I wasn’t shattered when my daughter started her usual morning routine of “it’s still dark out, why are you waking me up at midnight, MOMMY?”

My mind is racing. Nothing substantive. Nothing productive. I have a sink full of dishes I could be washing, piles of laundry I could be running through and taking to the laundromat. I could be dyeing my hair, fixing the clogged vaccuum and cleaning the floors..

Unfortunately, the bipolar brain does not operate with logic. Just because my brain is busy and thoughts are racing, 99% of the time it doesn’t equal productivity or even positive physical energy. Depression makes sure of this. It’s 40 some odd degrees today but damn and gray, so that also tugs at my energy level. It’s frustrating.

To my credit last night, I managed to rally enough to get my kid and I fed, bathed, and I played with her for a spell before my attention span wandered and she pretty much declared me a bad playmate. (If I can’t please an i year old, what employer is going to be satisfied with my attention deficit depressed anxious mind???) I was in bed by 9 but it was nearing ten when I finally nodded off.

But hey, I survived it. Now I have to survive five more days of rain and gloom, at least, plus all the rigors of being a single mom and all the responsibilities when really…I’d be just as content to sleep til around April when the seasonal lifts and the weather improves. What person with seasonal affective disorder wouldn’t want to bypass the misery of depression? There is zero value to months of feeling joyless, powerless, and like your only respite is sleep.

Throw in the racing thoughts that add absolutely nothing positive to your existence…

I know you’re not supposed to throw around the term ‘hate’ because it’s so negative to your own mental health…but I really HATE bipolar disorder and I really fucking HATE depression.

Comments are closed.