So today is the start of class for my MFA program. I’ve logged on and done an introduction of myself and I’ve read the reading for this week and will comment on it tomorrow. Found out that AGAIN a professor added a book late so I had to order it this morning and hope it will come in on time.
I’m excited for the semester. I have no idea what I’m going to turn in for work but am excited nonetheless. Half the people in the class I know and half I don’t so it will be interesting to work with some of the same people again and different ones as well. Three people in the class are brand-new to the program too so that will be interesting.
Had a good visit yesterday with Katrina in my program. She is finishing up her thesis this year as are several that came in with me. I think the last one besides me will finish in December. Then it will just be me from the inaugural class plodding along until I finish. I hope I can stay in touch with her and keep being friends. We just knew each other before this program and I think we can now be friends. WE will see.
Hope everyone else starting new endeavors stays as excited as I am! GOod luck for the week to us all!
Plus side…I seemed to have gotten some much needed sleep last night by taking 9mg melatonin. (What’s next, rehab for addiction to the very herbals the docs prefer we take?) I woke up a few times but I actually felt rested when I got up this morning. I wasn’t shattered when my daughter started her usual morning routine of “it’s still dark out, why are you waking me up at midnight, MOMMY?”
My mind is racing. Nothing substantive. Nothing productive. I have a sink full of dishes I could be washing, piles of laundry I could be running through and taking to the laundromat. I could be dyeing my hair, fixing the clogged vaccuum and cleaning the floors..
Unfortunately, the bipolar brain does not operate with logic. Just because my brain is busy and thoughts are racing, 99% of the time it doesn’t equal productivity or even positive physical energy. Depression makes sure of this. It’s 40 some odd degrees today but damn and gray, so that also tugs at my energy level. It’s frustrating.
To my credit last night, I managed to rally enough to get my kid and I fed, bathed, and I played with her for a spell before my attention span wandered and she pretty much declared me a bad playmate. (If I can’t please an i year old, what employer is going to be satisfied with my attention deficit depressed anxious mind???) I was in bed by 9 but it was nearing ten when I finally nodded off.
But hey, I survived it. Now I have to survive five more days of rain and gloom, at least, plus all the rigors of being a single mom and all the responsibilities when really…I’d be just as content to sleep til around April when the seasonal lifts and the weather improves. What person with seasonal affective disorder wouldn’t want to bypass the misery of depression? There is zero value to months of feeling joyless, powerless, and like your only respite is sleep.
Throw in the racing thoughts that add absolutely nothing positive to your existence…
I know you’re not supposed to throw around the term ‘hate’ because it’s so negative to your own mental health…but I really HATE bipolar disorder and I really fucking HATE depression.
Cycling into and out of deep depression over the last couple of days.
Open the Toolbox. Stay away from people. Cancel everything. Pull art supplies and cats into the Nest. Keep As Time Goes By running on the DVD player.
It’s so weird waking up multiple days in a row and feeling ok. I’m happy with okay, it’s better than depression any day.
Today I woke up listened to my favorite song (it’s not my time by 3 doors down) and thought about how much I love animals. This Christmas I donated to both the ASPCA and the Nebraska Humane Society. I’d like to do more but we’re not rich. If I was though I would be helping a lot more animals protection agencies. So I lay in bed daydreaming about animals being safe from the cruelty of the world. It made me feel good that I have helped some. I would love to adopt another dog if they allowed us to own 3 in our county. I love my two fur babies so much!
It was my moms birthday today and I had a long conversation with her where I actually talked some instead of just say yeah, mm yeah.. Which is what I tend to do when I am depressed. That makes me feel well, happy I suppose would be the word. Though I hate to jinx myself.
Anyhow that’s what I have to say for today.