Daily Archives: January 9, 2018

In A Darkened Mood

As usual, disrupted sleep resulted in a very low mood for today. And as I predicted, I nodded off about a half hour before the alarm went off. It was all I could do to sit up and see my kid off to school. Once she was gone, I had to tackle washing my bedding since the brat ass kittens think it’s a litter box and since the washer will only wash a few items at a time to spin properly…it’s a laborious process just to wash things now, let alone get them to a dryer that works.

Just that much tapped me out so I burrowed under the cover and eventually nodded off…for about 15 minutes. I know this because I fell asleep during a 42 minute tv show and it was still on, in the middle. It was then I realized the furnace was out again so again I had to cajole it. I am still freezing. And I made the mistake of eating breakfast and the eggs shredded my stomach. I managed to hobble to mom’s and she said her or my sister would get my comforters and stuff dry for me, god knows I can’t afford drying heavy items at the laundromat when it takes $2 just to dry a heavy sweatshirt.

I came home and since then…I am just filled with anxiety and dread. I can’t get warm even though it’s not that cold out and the furnace is working properly. I blame the lack of sun, these wet gray days just put me through the ringer. I can’t focus enough to get interested in watch I am ‘watching’, which means it’s just background noise to drown out the ambient sounds of trash trucks, someone using a saw hour after hour, horns honking at the neighbors…I look at the door like a ticking time bomb, waiting for the “we’re kicking everyone out and bulldozing the place” eviction notice. Which could also come by mail so the mail box is once again an object of abject terror and anxiety.

I can’t shake this mood or the exhaustion or inertia and I keep telling myself, it’s okay, sometimes I need a vegetative day to recharge…But then I just get all the professionals’ voices stampeding my brain about how I need to get active and try harder to shake off the mood. Which is not the least bit helpful, just more stressful.

I am already dreading the rest of the day. My kid is supposed to start bringing home geography homework this week and ha ha ha, I suck at that. I can’t even read a city map. Then of course I need to bathe her, feed her, and try to make it til bedtime where hopefully exhaustion will allow me a few hours’ respite of pseudo rest. Part of these darkened moods is the necessity of a reboot- meaning sleep. I’ve suffered enough of these darkened days to know if I haven’t managed to fight it by now…it’s not happening. My brain and body just need a reboot. It isn’t giving up or lazy or lack of effort. It’s rebooting to work out the glitchiness of a system that has been running for days and is in need of a clean slate for OS to work properly.

I wish the professionals could view the human mind this way. They like to say psychiatry is part science, part trial and error but everyone who has ever used any Windows based product…a reboot can cure a great many glitches and speed things up.

The brain when riddled with disorders is exactly like that.

So Now We Wait

My oldest had her interview yesterday with Disney World and then got a follow-up email saying she would know their decision by Friday.  So she has the rest of the week to pray and hope.  She said she felt the interview could have gone better, but she was satisfied that she had done the best she could.

I am meeting my friend Katrina for lunch today.  Hopefully it won’t rain on us.  We’re meeting at Rooster’s and I’m likely to have a hamburger with a jalapeno and cheese bun.  I love those.

I am almost over my sinus infection except for excessive snoring due to what little congestion I have left.    Bob said I sounded pretty bad last night.  But I feel fine so don’t think going back to the doctor will help.  I’ll just try a nose strip and see if that helps.

I see Tillie two weeks from today so that will go well I think.  I don’t see anything really on the horizon that should knock me for a loop anytime soon.  There’s always my father-in-law’s health, but he seems to be in a stable place right now.  I’ve got a little while before we hit my danger zone time so I am hoping that nothing will come of that this year.




Sleep May Be For The Weak, But I’d Settle For Some Weakness Right Now

4:41 a.m. I’ve been awake for a half hour now. Think it’s the third time I have wakened since going to bed a little after ten. This is so exhausting a frustrating. I think the perpetually disrupted sleep cycles may well drive me over the edge before my other disorders or even the stress of living in a world gone mad. I can’t battle this other stuff when my mind and body are constantly deprived of proper rest.

I have always had sleep disturbances, since I was 10 years old and it’d take me an hour or two of just laying in bed to get to sleep. Too much sleep, running on little sleep, flourishing with only six hours-as long as it’s solid- I am used to this facet of my disorders.

What has mutated and become unbearable is this wake and sleep and wake and sleep, and often wake in a panic for no reason where the spinning thoughts set in and by the time I get calmed down…it’s time for the alarm to get my kid up for school. Nine times out of ten no matter how tired or under rested, I am unable to go back to sleep even after she leaves. The wake and sleep cycle wasn’t exactly a new thing, I used to have to get up and go to the bathroom sometimes but I’d always trudge back along and once under the covers, go back to sleep.

Since having my daughter…Uninterrupted sleep is a foreign concept. I used to think it was new mom anxiety, checking to make sure the newborn was breathing, just marveling at her little sleeping body. Then she became a toddler and I was terrified she’d fall out of bed or get up and go decide to turn on a stove burner and so I couldn’t sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. After that she spent the better part of 3 years either sleeping in my bed or getting up within 2 hours of me tucking her into her own then fussingm til she could sleep in my bed.

Thankfully she has been sleeping through for the most part for about a year now with some isolated incidents and yet…she’s 8 and I still wake every two hours or so. And it’s not even like it’s because of bad dreams because when I am in these winter depressions, I welcome even bad dreams cos I can always wake from them. This depressive mental state is inescapable so I prefer sleep. Yet I can’t stay down more than a couple of hours at a time. It’s no wonder I am short tempered, grumpy, tired by 7 p.m. and unable to find energy to do much of anything.

I am bloody well exhausted and my psych nurse’s idea of helping is to prescribe some lame anti histamine that’s been cross labeled for sleep. I could have gotten benadryl. Not that those anti histamines work anymore, I have such allergies and hive inducing anxiety, I pretty much lived on benadryl and such for 30 years so it’s totally ineffective, not to mention it makes me loopy so if I do need to pee in the middle of the night, I walk into walls and stumble around. Useless.

I don’t want the answer is here.

I just remember someone I knew from my early social media dabblings (die die die, social media) and she’d be up for days then sleep for days but she’d always quip, “Sleep is for the weak” when she was on a manic kick.

Right now…I’d be just fine with some weakness if it meant even six hours of uninterrupted sleep for a couple of weeks. My tank is on empty and until it is refilled…I’m not sure any med regime is going to help with my mental state because one of the biggest issues is never experiencing a full healthy sleep cycle so my body and mind feel remotely rested.

Ninety minutes til the alarm goes off. Oh and even though I’ve eaten nothing for almost 24 hours, I now have reflux which really hurts and makes it even harder to focus on calming myself and at least catching another hour of sleep.

Who am kidding. By the time I calm the anxiety and racing thoughts, I’ll likely have 15 minutes before the alarm goes off.

8 years of this. And I can’t even say it’s my kid or my mommy anxiety. Something is very wrong.

For once, I want to be weak, if it means getting some damned sleep.

She’s 8 now

A Better Day

Today I woke up on the almost right side of the bed. I wanted to engage in activities and didn’t nap. I had a wonderful conversation with my husband and was able to participate instead of just yeahing when he said something. Like I said a better day. I hope that my brain continues to go into that direction.

Sadly I can’t think of a thing to write about though. My brain is drawing a blank. Don’t you hate that?

I’ll write more later if something pops in my head.