As usual, disrupted sleep resulted in a very low mood for today. And as I predicted, I nodded off about a half hour before the alarm went off. It was all I could do to sit up and see my kid off to school. Once she was gone, I had to tackle washing my bedding since the brat ass kittens think it’s a litter box and since the washer will only wash a few items at a time to spin properly…it’s a laborious process just to wash things now, let alone get them to a dryer that works.
Just that much tapped me out so I burrowed under the cover and eventually nodded off…for about 15 minutes. I know this because I fell asleep during a 42 minute tv show and it was still on, in the middle. It was then I realized the furnace was out again so again I had to cajole it. I am still freezing. And I made the mistake of eating breakfast and the eggs shredded my stomach. I managed to hobble to mom’s and she said her or my sister would get my comforters and stuff dry for me, god knows I can’t afford drying heavy items at the laundromat when it takes $2 just to dry a heavy sweatshirt.
I came home and since then…I am just filled with anxiety and dread. I can’t get warm even though it’s not that cold out and the furnace is working properly. I blame the lack of sun, these wet gray days just put me through the ringer. I can’t focus enough to get interested in watch I am ‘watching’, which means it’s just background noise to drown out the ambient sounds of trash trucks, someone using a saw hour after hour, horns honking at the neighbors…I look at the door like a ticking time bomb, waiting for the “we’re kicking everyone out and bulldozing the place” eviction notice. Which could also come by mail so the mail box is once again an object of abject terror and anxiety.
I can’t shake this mood or the exhaustion or inertia and I keep telling myself, it’s okay, sometimes I need a vegetative day to recharge…But then I just get all the professionals’ voices stampeding my brain about how I need to get active and try harder to shake off the mood. Which is not the least bit helpful, just more stressful.
I am already dreading the rest of the day. My kid is supposed to start bringing home geography homework this week and ha ha ha, I suck at that. I can’t even read a city map. Then of course I need to bathe her, feed her, and try to make it til bedtime where hopefully exhaustion will allow me a few hours’ respite of pseudo rest. Part of these darkened moods is the necessity of a reboot- meaning sleep. I’ve suffered enough of these darkened days to know if I haven’t managed to fight it by now…it’s not happening. My brain and body just need a reboot. It isn’t giving up or lazy or lack of effort. It’s rebooting to work out the glitchiness of a system that has been running for days and is in need of a clean slate for OS to work properly.
I wish the professionals could view the human mind this way. They like to say psychiatry is part science, part trial and error but everyone who has ever used any Windows based product…a reboot can cure a great many glitches and speed things up.
The brain when riddled with disorders is exactly like that.