Daily Archives: December 18, 2017

Happy Drunk

This is just a short little update. Everyone is busy these next couple weeks so why not keep this short? I have pretty much eliminated drinking from my life. I haven’t quit by any means, but I have gotten to the point where I am able to have one or two and stop. I only […]

The Season of Advent – Hope, Peace, Joy and Love

Originally posted on My Medical Musings:
In the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas I love the Advent season. This is the season the Christian church celebrate in the lead up to Christmas. It’s the start of the Church year and Advent Sunday marks the four Sunday’s before Christmas Day. It’s a season of…

Eye Doctor

Saw my eye doctor this morning–he said everything looked fine with my eyes so that was uneventful.  Got my prescription renewed for my contacts and need to take that to the pharmacy soon to get new lenses.  But all in all an uneventful. day so far.

Everyone is finally feeling better in this house so hopefully Christmas will go off without a hitch.  My middle one woke up so much happier and feeling better than she has been, and the oldest is about back to normal.  So that is very good news for everybody.

Mode cookies and handed them out Sunday to our neighbors.  I haven’t done it in several years because I didnt’ feel like it.  But this year Bob seemed o want me to do it so I did.  It was nice to see everybody.

Tomorrow is my busy day.  I see Holly, TiIlie, and an old high school friend I haven’t really spoken to in a long time.  We got back together on Facebook and she suggested lunch sometime while she was off work for Christmas, so I said sure.  We will meet up after I see Tillie. Hopefully it will go well.

But after that day I get to relax and not push quite so hard all through Christmas. That will be nice.  I’m looking forward to it.

Hope everyone has a great start to the first of the week.


Got Stress?

No category, no tags. This is purge.

3:54 a.m. and here I am, awake. Over an hour now. I took a melatonin and 0.5 Xanax after 45 minutes, because sleep just wasn’t happening. I woke up, no good reason, the thoughts started spinning, haunting, and taunting.

Wasn’t bad enough I took 3mg melatonin around nine-ish, following the Trintellix induced vomiting hour. I didn’t even take more Xanax, since it, too, had come up with the other stuff. An hour later, the melatonin wasn’t kicking in and every time I thought it was starting to…I was hot and sweaty. Or shivering and cold. Once I did nod off, I woke up 3 times before finally this last time, I couldn’t manage to nod off again.

How is this not frustrating? How am I not supposed to be irate, exhausted, grumpy, and lethargic during the days when this is pretty much my every night?

To make it even ickier, I’m all itchy, but no outside cause so it’s gotta be stress induced hives. My sinuses are draining and I either have a left ear infection or some sort of ear wax build up because for two weeks now, it’s been aching and sound is muffled. I want to see a doctor but I don’t have a general practitioner, and since Medicaid coverage is changing Jan 1, I don’t dare make an appointment (as if a new patient could get one in the midst of the holidays) lest that doctor be taken off the plan and I have to find another one come January.

But the loss of equilibrium and discomfort are, after a couple of weeks, becoming intolerable and probably not helping my anxiety or irrititation.

Toss in cramps…

I thought my “me-day Monday” would prove productive but since my sleep is so screwed up, I’ll either be hard pressed to get up and will snooze once Spook is off to school or I will stay awake but be too exhausted and in pain to do anything.


Poison Pill

I waited until after supper, when I had food on my tummy, to take my meds. Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Trintellix, as always.

Within 15 minutes I was hit with waves of nausea, to the point I was gagging just trying to read my kid a bedtime story.

I turned stuff off and took to my bed, determined to ride it out, determined not to throw up. Meds can’t help if you hurl them up, right?

I toughed it out forty minutes. I almost thought it was going to pass. But then the gag reflex took over and I was worshipping the porcelein throne. Over and over, I threw up, until finally…it stopped. And oddly, I felt soooo much better.

Down side, I’d also taken my bedtime Xanax shortly after the others so that was thrown up, as well, and that’s a waste of good panic stoppers and sleepy bringers. Grrr.

I have NOT been drinking, swear on the lives of my kid, cats, and every Halloween decoration I own.

No drugs, aside from generic Tylenol for cramps this morning around 9.

I ran some errands, swept, vacuumed, washed dishes, cared for my child. I braved a packed traffic accident-waiting-to-happen Aldi.

I did EVERYTHING right.

Yet once Trintellix went down the gullet…I went projectile. Thankfully my bathroom is near my bedroom.

Now, hour later, I feel way better, but I also feel like, well, damn it, now the nurse doc can say I’m not taking my meds. I take them, not my fault they don’t stay down. Lithium and Trintellix are the biggest nausea inducers I have ever been on, and while the neasea and such may dissipate for others over time…for me, it’s a daily lottery as to whether it will make my stomach hurt or make me nauseous or cause me to throw up.

I am so sick of it.

Not to mention, the way I have been snapping at my kid and the cats, for several weeks now, I can’t help but wonder if this is another case of Lexapro or Paxil where the drug itself increases my anxiety and causes a sort of irritable manic state.

But who do I try to talk to about it? It was obvious doc nurse didn’t believe much of what I said and she had little concern other than giving me some weak ass anti histamine for sleep. Which works not even as well as Benadryl does for making me sleepy.

I am not a lonely person. Never a truer statement than when I say, “I prefer being alone, I have loner interests, I seek company when I feel I need it.”

But when it comes to my current psych regime and meds…I’ve never felt  more alone or helpless. And yes, I may sound like a broken record. The way I harp on things and take weeks or years to hash out a way to solve the problem-that’s a character flaw I can’t seem to counter no matter my efforts.

I just don’t think I am so wrong to want to be on medication that doesn’t result in feeling sick-or throwing up-45% of the time.

I’d send this to Dr. B if I thought he’d ever actually see it. Everyone knows the staff goes through the mail before the doctor does. That could be good or bad, but in my current mental state..I want to be face to face with Dr. B. I want him to see me, I want to look him in the eye, and I want him to see that screwed up as I am…the one thing I have in spades is sincerity and it’s not faked an iota.

And maybe rather than worry that changing my meds might make me more unstable thus harming his credibility…Maybe he will determine that I deserve better than the poison pill.

S.A.D-“I know you get depressed during the winter.”

That gem, from my mother, on the phone the other day, when they hadn’t heard from me in 3 days. No empathy, no compassion, no true grasp. As if saying “Rain is wet.”

Why is Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D) treated like the bastard cousin of mental health issues? Like it’s insignificant, an affectation, something minor…When in fact, it’s pretty crippling, and it’s pretty much every year of your life, 4-6 months a year. And no amount of sun or fake sun lamps or exercise or mindfulness or dancing on beach ball holding seals- truly makes it better.

Seasonal depression sneaks in late September, right as fall begins, and like a band of ninjas, you don’t see it coming. You smell burned toast, you get a chill on your neck, you get a nagging sensation in your gut and you know the seasonal has arrived. So every year you talk to your psych professional and try to get the meds increased ahead of that time in hopes of warding it off or making it tolerable…

To nurse doc’s credit, she had me nearly maxed on both antidepressants before December hit, but alas…the darkness is there and I don’t mean the kind due to lack of sunlight.

This depression is daily and sometimes, a sunny warm-ish day can make it better, but if you’re already depression-prone—it’s pretty much,simply put, your life for six months of the year. You can only try to survive it.

Just don’t expect understanding or support. It ain’t there. Thanks to the masses who experience “winter blues” but still function fully, those with the more severe form of the disorder are out of luck.

So often it takes only 2 or 3 gloomy cold days in a row to fully drag you under and sorry, you’re not coming back out til March-ish.

But hey, what I am learning, is that EVERYTHING is my fault. Never mind my disorders. Never mind my efforts. Never mind because it’s all my fault, my behaviors, and yet the doctors don’t mind charging to see me, don’t mind prescribing pills,yet at every turn I am basically told it’s all my fault and I have to change even more about myself except for the ONE thing I can never change.

I have mental health issues that contribute to my behaviors so until the professionals learn to seperate these things…

To quote Eminem, it’s “My Fault”.

I’ve never even seen psychadelic shrooms but I musta done that, too.


This seasonal and pms is really making me a nastier version of myself. I kinda like her.

Nope…not really. Being bitchy is totally my fault. I still didn’t do the shroom thing.