Originally posted on Pain Pals:
I am here, Do you still see me? My heart is beating Within my broken shell. A mind is playing The words of a lifetime The will is surviving To write a legacy well. ? Am I succeeding? Am I still growing? In spite of a body That creaks with…
It’s finally my ‘me-free’ day after 5 straight days with my kid home from school and I find myself mentally paralyzed. I wanted to leap in and start cleaning today but it’s not happening. I know part of it is the furnace being out, it’s cold and I become very inert when I am cold. Weird part is, it’s fifty degrees outside and warmer than inside. Sometimes I swear my body’s thermometer is broken.
I need to clean. Like, mega clean. Hell, I’d like to sit at the desktop computer and try to write. But I am cold and low and for whatever reason, my brain is not cooperating with the desire to do anything but sit in front of streaming video. It’s like this sometimes. The anxiety and paranoia mount and add up to the point where I think if I move around something bad is going to happen. It lacks logic but then, anxiety disorder lacks logic so it seems, well, ha, logical.
There are days when I can force myself out of the paralysis brought on by the paranoia and anxiety. I don’t believe this is going to be one of them. I am going to try not to browbeat myself, though, because Saturday, even after my meds making me so sick I wanted to die, I did dishes, folded some laundry, took the vacuum apart and fixed it…Sometimes the mind cooperates and sometimes it doesn’t. There is no ‘snap out of it’ bullshit. Maybe later the paralysis will lift and I will get stuff done. Or maybe my victory for the day is getting up before my kid and making sure she had hot cocoa with fruit for breakfast. After nearly two weeks of menstrual dysphoria and pain, on top of the seasonal depression, just getting up after hitting snooze three times, and making hot cocoa and sitting up while she gets ready is a mega accomplishment.
It seems laughable to so many people that I view it that way, but then, it was a counselor who taught me to view the rough days that way. If you accomplish even one small goal, against the mental inertia and paralysis, then you can ride it out until it passes and not have to feel shitty about yourself or lack of accomplishment. You did something, and that counts. Now if that therapist (if he is still alive, he moved away a long time ago, breaking my heart cos he really was awesome) would just get his own talk show and tell the masses that it’s okay not to be a whirlwind all the time, especially when anxious and depressed. Seems these days the only way to reach mindless masses is through TV or social media.
Then again, I wouldn’t wish that on Paul, he was too a good a therapist, and human, to fall into the vapid wasteland of today’s society even if his message is an important one. I consider myself blessed to have had him as a counselor, even if it was less than two years before he moved away.
Today I am just going to ride it out. Therapist’s orders, so to speak. And while the self flogging is almost certain because hey, self loathing is depression’s constant companion- I am going to try to keep it from becoming 50 Shades Of Grey self flogging.
Nothing sexy or even curiously kinky about convincing yourself you’re a useless husk of humanity. Besides, depression will put its two cents’ worth in, no extra flogging necessary.
Somehow, whips and chains seem less sadistic than mental health disorders.
My youngest daughter’s bus didn’t pick her up until 8 this morning. I had to cancel class. I called and let the bus office know and will call back again once I get home to let them know that this is unacceptable. She was also late to school and that is not right for the buses to do that.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess just beg Bob to stay next time until she is picked up. It would only be a few more days and then I am done with class. I don’t know what to do about next semester though. I hate the idea of quitting but if I can’t be dependable, I don’t need to sign up.
Hopefully the day will get better from here. I don’t need anything to depress my mood.
Posted in Read Along
Today was a weird one, mentally, and I chalk it up to excess stress and of course, my own fuck up of missing several doses of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. (Which, occasionally IS my memory failure, but also can be attributed to the doc/nurse office not replying to refill requests in a timely manner, the pharmacy failing to fax for refills, and many times with Trintellex, not having the dose on hand thus resulting in a couple days’ without meds, and let us not forget lack of copay money as well as insurance script plans not allowing refills more than 4 or 5 days in advance.) Not absolving myself, I screwed up missing doses, no matter the reason, and I am the one paying for it. Today was a roller coaster of inertia, desire to function, crash landing to depressive abyss, followed by a lift into hypomania. I OWN my screw up.
What has me spiraling today, though, is PERCEPTION VERSUS REALITY. And this is NOT a thing limited to those with mood disorders or the assortment of other mental imbalances…There is my truth, your truth, facts, perceptions and it is all confusing no matter the stability of your brain chemicals. With a series of legit imbalances, though, it is more difficult and confusing, even when your self awareness is uber precise.
Points in question…My ‘friendship’ with R. Earlier I hit a rock bottom abyss where I could barely hold back tears (and the monthly curse is over so it’s less likely hormonal) and all I could think was, “Thanks for the friendship, your demands broke me.” Is it fair? Maybe. Maybe not. Is it a distortion? Maybe partially because I can’t expect Mr. Spock to correlate with my “even the needs of the few are equal to the needs of the many” emotional stance. Still…I find it an imbalanced ‘friendship’ and I use the quotations marks because this is a man making demands of me and while I am not without necessary benefits when me and my child need them…This man doesn’t even send a Christmas or birthday text, treats my kid like an annoyance, and when I told him awhile back I had a sick cat I needed to be home with, he said, :Well, then I should think you’d rather be here”….
His emotional IQ is so low except for his own progeny and grand-progeny, we are never ever gonna be on the same page. I REQUIRE money to keep my fed sheltered and clothed and the car running. I require his expertise when my furnace goes out or my computer hardware fails. But when it comes to my emotional needs, I am left feeling starved, denied, abused. Even if he means well, my feelings are no less valid.
Yet any time I voice them he has this Mr. Spock method of making me feel weak and subpar and like I am screwing him over as opposed to vice versa. He was diagnosed 20 years ago as a narcissist so it’s not a newsflash that his needs come first and my needs are crap unless he can write a check or make a repair but I keep thinking of all the times I have hobbled in on my last physical and mental leg to be a good friend, to atone for my pre-mood stabilizer behavior…and if I fail him even once, I get a nasty lecture about being intolerable and now I have to stand on my own two feet cos he’s tired of ‘taking care’ of me.
Yet he can fail me dozen of times, leave me with a car about to keel over because he hasn’t had time in 18 months-even while laid off from the second job-to take a peek-see and help…I just feel…a little abused, a lot neglected, and frankly, emotionally starved. I recognize the difference in our mentality, personalities, histories, and me being…well, psychologically disorganized, which amounts to us never seeing eye to eye but…
Am I really so demanding to want him to listen and HEAR me when I am willing to do the same for him? Is it fair of him to blow me off with ‘different car and needed cash/items’ so I do his bidding?
Perception versus reality. It’s a thing, mental chaos or not.
I’ve had so much counseling (whereas he repeatedly rejected the notion anything could be wrong with him) I am fairly self aware, outside my 2 week menstrual dysphoria. I know my weaknesses, am trying to find my strengths, I recognize my imperfections, my dastardly behaviors and deeds…Yet I am surrounded with people who can’t even determine that calling me a bitch (thank you, mommy) is saying more about their lack of emotional maturity than it is me.
What can I do?
I am just gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other even though every day feels like my soul has died another death, my emotional well being is in famine mode, and my insecurities are causing me to doubt even my ability to breathe without screwing it up.
There IS beauty out there. I am not prepared to give up on it yet.
Whether my psyche holds up to my hopes and desires is a whole other story yet to be determined.
I just think a ‘friendship’ where you’ve pushed yourself beyond the breaking point and the other person still expects more…it’s a bit toxic. And it means R hasn’t changed an iota in 20 years because, hey, he was the one who dumped me because of my mood swings. He didn’t care I had a shit doctor who misdiagnosed, wrongly medicated me and nearly killed me and I couldn’t afford better. He shunned me because I was too stressful yet now I am feeling the same since he expects me to become Mr. Spock like him…
Play fair in the sandbox or I am taking my toys and going home.
It’s a concept most children can comprehend yet is lost on a fifty four year old man.
Narcissists are a special breed I guess.
I may have selfish/self centered qualities but I lack the confidence to be a narcissist or even compete with one.
Bridges may be burning soon. Don’t bother with the fire extingishers.
At this point, I have realized-doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is insanity.
R’s standards will never lower and my stability will never meet his standards. Stalemate or bridge incineration…I can’t kill myself for this person and a TRUE friend wouldn’t expect, or want, me to.
Skewed perception or reality? Let me know, guys. I can’t buy a vowel or a clue, I am so broke.
Blogmas is a challenge to write a post every day of December relating to Christmas in some way, shape or form. There are other options to do a couple of weeks or so; however, I am an all in or nothing person. Besides, it isn’t the number of posts that changed my mind. I actually …
Continue reading “Why I Am Not Paticipating In Blogmas This Year”
Posted in Read Along
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