Today was a weird one, mentally, and I chalk it up to excess stress and of course, my own fuck up of missing several doses of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. (Which, occasionally IS my memory failure, but also can be attributed to the doc/nurse office not replying to refill requests in a timely manner, the pharmacy failing to fax for refills, and many times with Trintellex, not having the dose on hand thus resulting in a couple days’ without meds, and let us not forget lack of copay money as well as insurance script plans not allowing refills more than 4 or 5 days in advance.) Not absolving myself, I screwed up missing doses, no matter the reason, and I am the one paying for it. Today was a roller coaster of inertia, desire to function, crash landing to depressive abyss, followed by a lift into hypomania. I OWN my screw up.
What has me spiraling today, though, is PERCEPTION VERSUS REALITY. And this is NOT a thing limited to those with mood disorders or the assortment of other mental imbalances…There is my truth, your truth, facts, perceptions and it is all confusing no matter the stability of your brain chemicals. With a series of legit imbalances, though, it is more difficult and confusing, even when your self awareness is uber precise.
Points in question…My ‘friendship’ with R. Earlier I hit a rock bottom abyss where I could barely hold back tears (and the monthly curse is over so it’s less likely hormonal) and all I could think was, “Thanks for the friendship, your demands broke me.” Is it fair? Maybe. Maybe not. Is it a distortion? Maybe partially because I can’t expect Mr. Spock to correlate with my “even the needs of the few are equal to the needs of the many” emotional stance. Still…I find it an imbalanced ‘friendship’ and I use the quotations marks because this is a man making demands of me and while I am not without necessary benefits when me and my child need them…This man doesn’t even send a Christmas or birthday text, treats my kid like an annoyance, and when I told him awhile back I had a sick cat I needed to be home with, he said, :Well, then I should think you’d rather be here”….
His emotional IQ is so low except for his own progeny and grand-progeny, we are never ever gonna be on the same page. I REQUIRE money to keep my fed sheltered and clothed and the car running. I require his expertise when my furnace goes out or my computer hardware fails. But when it comes to my emotional needs, I am left feeling starved, denied, abused. Even if he means well, my feelings are no less valid.
Yet any time I voice them he has this Mr. Spock method of making me feel weak and subpar and like I am screwing him over as opposed to vice versa. He was diagnosed 20 years ago as a narcissist so it’s not a newsflash that his needs come first and my needs are crap unless he can write a check or make a repair but I keep thinking of all the times I have hobbled in on my last physical and mental leg to be a good friend, to atone for my pre-mood stabilizer behavior…and if I fail him even once, I get a nasty lecture about being intolerable and now I have to stand on my own two feet cos he’s tired of ‘taking care’ of me.
Yet he can fail me dozen of times, leave me with a car about to keel over because he hasn’t had time in 18 months-even while laid off from the second job-to take a peek-see and help…I just feel…a little abused, a lot neglected, and frankly, emotionally starved. I recognize the difference in our mentality, personalities, histories, and me being…well, psychologically disorganized, which amounts to us never seeing eye to eye but…
Am I really so demanding to want him to listen and HEAR me when I am willing to do the same for him? Is it fair of him to blow me off with ‘different car and needed cash/items’ so I do his bidding?
Perception versus reality. It’s a thing, mental chaos or not.
I’ve had so much counseling (whereas he repeatedly rejected the notion anything could be wrong with him) I am fairly self aware, outside my 2 week menstrual dysphoria. I know my weaknesses, am trying to find my strengths, I recognize my imperfections, my dastardly behaviors and deeds…Yet I am surrounded with people who can’t even determine that calling me a bitch (thank you, mommy) is saying more about their lack of emotional maturity than it is me.
What can I do?
I am just gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other even though every day feels like my soul has died another death, my emotional well being is in famine mode, and my insecurities are causing me to doubt even my ability to breathe without screwing it up.
There IS beauty out there. I am not prepared to give up on it yet.
Whether my psyche holds up to my hopes and desires is a whole other story yet to be determined.
I just think a ‘friendship’ where you’ve pushed yourself beyond the breaking point and the other person still expects more…it’s a bit toxic. And it means R hasn’t changed an iota in 20 years because, hey, he was the one who dumped me because of my mood swings. He didn’t care I had a shit doctor who misdiagnosed, wrongly medicated me and nearly killed me and I couldn’t afford better. He shunned me because I was too stressful yet now I am feeling the same since he expects me to become Mr. Spock like him…
Play fair in the sandbox or I am taking my toys and going home.
It’s a concept most children can comprehend yet is lost on a fifty four year old man.
Narcissists are a special breed I guess.
I may have selfish/self centered qualities but I lack the confidence to be a narcissist or even compete with one.
Bridges may be burning soon. Don’t bother with the fire extingishers.
At this point, I have realized-doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is insanity.
R’s standards will never lower and my stability will never meet his standards. Stalemate or bridge incineration…I can’t kill myself for this person and a TRUE friend wouldn’t expect, or want, me to.
Skewed perception or reality? Let me know, guys. I can’t buy a vowel or a clue, I am so broke.