Daily Archives: November 9, 2017

Suckage Level Critical

So as if my own mental problems weren’t crippling enough…I got a call from my kid’s teacher yesterday informing me there was an arm wrestling incident in the cafeteria and my daughter was one of the ringleaders, or well, participants. She was viewed doing it, then lied to the teacher and started bawling and denying, so the teacher had to leave her alone for 5 minutes to calm down. Only then did Spook fess up but she started crying some more about being a follower and she can’t help herself. She was just going along because devil girl J told her she would if she was really her friend. (Um, could there be a better example of a follower than my daughter?)

The teacher was disturbed, saying that it seems Spook is overwhelmed with too many thoughts all at once and thus it makes it hard for her to concentrate, focus, and perform accordingly as well as make good choices.


I had been expecting a call because Spook told me the other day a boy wanted to kiss her during lunch hour and I told her…you will get in trouble. She said she didn’t care and at this point, I’ve gone school of hard knocks with parenting. But ARM WRESTLING??? Kids rough house, sure, but the way the teacher made it sound this was some major episode. And I’ve seen my daughter at work with the emotional manipulation when she’s caught doing something wrong. She will bring up something that happened 4 years ago to draw attention away from her wrong doing and paint herself as a victim. I wish I were making this up, but I even asked my uber critital-and grandchild coddling mother- about this behavior in Spook and she, too, has seen it. That’s no small deal, my mom admitting I’m not being a critical monster and my child has some…issues.

I was honestly at a loss what to say. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed as is lately and while Spook’s got some stuff going on, for the most part, until this year, it rarely went on at school. Now the school is seeing the behaviors and instead of suggesting counseling or what not, when i said I didn’t know what to do….the teacher said, “What do you do…” UM…Not helpful.

So I steeled myself for dealing with Spook when she got home, which these days means, turning on the sound recorder on the phone, because she is a ticking time bomb when told no or caught doing wrong. And I wasn’t wrong. She went OFF. I tried to talk to her, empathize (without condoning her behavior), tell her we’re a lot alike in that we have trouble processing too much at once and we need to be besties as a support system….I may as well have been talking to a wall. She just blew me off, blamed it all on J and “I’m a follower, I can’t help it”, then when she asked for a cookie…and I said have some fresh watermelon instead, you’re wound up enough…

She started hitting me, snarling, trying to break the computer, the phone. She was like a rabid animal, but she was also….smiling while doing all this. And all I could do was hold her off with an arm and try to talk calmly but when she went after the cat’s throat, I grabbed the phone and threatened to call 911. I am no longer joking, I fear my child when she gets like that. And she started saying nooo, don’t call the police…but kept snarling…She knows she is doing wrong. What I can’t discern is if she simply doesn’t care or if it’s like much of my aggressive behavior (before mood stabilizers) where it just sort of had to burn itself out before it passed and after it passed I felt exhausted and vulnerable and disgusted with myself…

She eventually calmed down but there was no remorse on her part. She said sorry, but it was as hollow as an apology could be. And she snuck a cookie behind my back and then tried to lie about it but ha, she kissed me and I could smell the mint on her breath. She has no compulsion about lying. And every time, it’s “Fine, I lied, but you told me no and it makes me mad when you tell me no.”

My stomach ache just got worse after that incident, plus knowing R was going to stop by…But at least she calmed down. Her attitude didn’t improve much, she kept putting her feet up on my chair and yanking my hair then when I said ouch, please stop, she got indignant like it was my fault for not having a scalp made of cast iron. How she can go from such a sweet kid to such a…meanie so quick is baffling but then again, I’ve seen it in myself so I can’t throw stones. Difference is, and it’s a big one for me- I have ALWAYS felt bad after any of my tirades. She has no guilt and I do find that disturbing. I am not expecting her to grasp full blown grown up guilt but even at 8, there should be some inkling of conscience, especially when causing someone else pain physically or emotionally, and she has none. Her only sympathy is for herself.

It pains me to admit this. I wish I was just a petty mentally trashed parent making her kid look bad to absolve myself of whatever but others see this behavior in her, so it isn’t just me. I may not be parent number one worldwide, but my kid has some issues going on that aren’t my fault. Whether it’s ADHD or bipolar or hell, it could be bipolar with the attentiion deficit as a secondary…But she’s only 8 and the professionals won’t label her anything other than ADHd,if that. It doesn’t excuse me having to live in fear that my 8 year old is going to physically attack me, and our belongings, on a daily basis. So first thing today i called the pediatrician’s office and left a note for the nurse about the ADHD paperwork and what the teacher said about Spook’s issues with focus. They have got to do something to help her, and help me. There is no planet in which a child hitting the parent is acceptable.

I sort of got lucky last night inasmuch as R didn’t stay more than ten minutes, he stopped to give me money for gas and such so I can continue to do his bidding at the shop. And I tried ten different ways to tell him I can’t keep this up and he just blew right by me, telling me what a big help I am, and I am going to end up with a better car and blah blah blah…And there he is talking about working 13 hours a day, plus spending two hours a night helping family and friends with their broken stuff and he’s worn down so I guess I didn’t have the gall to tell him about my impending breakdown. Even if I did, he’d dismiss me. I tried to talk to him about Spook’s behavior, seeking advice from a fellow parent, but he blew that off, too. So the question is…If he cares so little about me except as someone to do his bidding…why am i so loyal as to basically wear myself to the bone and end up hospitalized?

Something’s got to give. I just hope it doesn’t result in my child being taken away because I can’t control her or me in a straightjacket because everyone around me can’t grasp that mental illness is as serious as physical illness. No one would fault me for needing a few days to recover from even an outpatient surgery like an appendectomy. Yet my brain is on overload, my health is being impacted, and I am made to feel like a lazy monster because I need to stop the world a few days and reboot.

My hatred of the world is metastasizing as quickly as my mind is disintegrating. The world deserves it, though. I don’t.Trying your hardest should not result in being broken down and destroyed psychologically. It just shouldn’t.

Penny Positive #16

From An Optimist’s Calendar


Now I’m Mad

My temporary crown just came off my tooth for the SECOND time since I had it put on.  It’ was put back on last Thursday and now it has come off again.   I get my permanent one next Tuesday.   I was supposed to go to the food pantry and help today but instead will be at the dentist getting this taken care of.

I am so frustrated at these people being so nonchalant about it. I don’t go in until two hours from now to get it put back on. Last time I had to wait overnight.   I am going to ask if my permanent one has come in yet and ask if it can be put on this time so I don’t have to go back next week.  I’m tempted to go and try to go back to sleep so I don’t injure it in any way.  We will see how all of this goes.




Black &White word salad

I guess it’s my 2 year anniversary w WordPress. But, I feel more like a failure than anything. I was a prolific writer, I suppose blogger, when I started. Letting it all hang out. Expression my therapy. Written words came easily. Cyber words somehow easier. Through psychosis, mania, suicide attempt, despair, fear, loss of relationships, darkness, depression..I carried on through this Medium.
Then. The most traumatic manic episode happened. My marriage was affected. Changed. Damaged.
My new job had to wait as I embarrassingly passed along a doctors note requesting a later start date.
Friendships fell off. Text messages went unanswered. Potential commitment dates fell through.
I fell back into booze and food.
Changes are hard. Personally. Seasonally. Globally.
I have lost my words. Days and months have gone by. I read your words. Yearn to connect. But, I don’t. Can’t. Won’t. I don’t know why.
I feel the darkness of depression coming for me, creeping in. My body, mind and soul heavy. The trudging becoming too much. Not worth it.
These aren’t even full sentences or thoughts.
Changes are impending.
I’m not. Scared.
Just tired.
Black and white thinking taking hold
And more so
That I don’t care

Penny Positive #15

From An Optimist’s Calendar