So yesterday’s post was a total yet honest downer…And I’m not gonna be doing cartwheels and proclaiming to be all cured because the sun emerged for the first time in days thus my mood lifted a milimeter out of the gutter…
Today I would like to be nauseating and point out the positive side of having an anxiety disorder of mammoth proportions.
Why, yes, I am insane to say such a thing!
And honestly, it’s not a positive but in the interest of being all fair and sunshine spewing…I’ll roll my eyes and say if I have to find a sunny side up about anxiety disorder…
It is that my uber sensitivity to light and sound and well, everything, while resulting in panic attacks during which my heart thunders, I start sweating (and nervous sweat reeks, btw) and my stomach churns painfully and I feel like a bag is over my head preventing me from breathing…Not a great way to wake up but when it happened at 5:45 a.m. this morning…
I’ve been awake since and my heartbeat still hasn’t really regulated back to normal. Of course, medical equipment would likely prove this to simply be all in my head and my vital signs would be within normal range but mentally…I can still feel my heart pounding a little too hard, my sweat level a little too high, my stomach a little too knotted up, my breathing a little too stilted…Even if it doesn’t register on medical equipment, the loss of equilibrium that comes with a panic attack is…indescribable.
Now okay, being wide awake and not glued to the snooze button is actually a good thing.But the fact an alarm needs to cause me a major wake-up-with-the-house-on-fire panic episode to get to this awake state is not just sad, it’s bloody scary. In every sense.
What caused this epic panic?
Well, this will explain just how deep my anxiety disorder runs. I usually fall asleep to a playlist on the computer, Deadly Women, Forensic Files, Dateline, et al…Nothing too stimulating, usually stuff I have watched/heard a hundred times. It is what soothes me so my brain will slow down and I can rest. Unfortunately this last playlist…I missed an MP3 file that was accidentally placed there.
So I woke unceremoniously to pelle K’s metal version of “Down Under” and it sent me into rapid meltdown.
It’s weird because I love his music, I love that song, original and his version, but for the last couple of years…I’ve found myself overstimulated by music even when awake, let alone being jarred from sleep, so to have this blast out at me after hours of quietly narrated true crime shows…It was a jolt.
And it’s why even at my best, I often can’t listen to music for more than an hour or so because I get so overly stimulated that my brain starts turning what has always been my refuge into one more trigger that sends me over the edge.
To have people-especially professionals- think that this is simply a mind state I have chosen is insulting and maddening.
My disorders have robbed me of every vestige of normal life. Because of my issue with crowds and overstimulation, I can’t even go to concerts or bars to hear live music. Now because I am so easily overstimulated I can’t even enjoy “canned”music at home. As if I would ever choose to be robbed of the ONE thing that helped me survive a miserably bullied teenage life. The ONE thing that has always kept me afloat when all else failed. Now it’s become a negative factor and it pisses me the fuck off.
But since society dictates finding a positive in everything…I know what song to set as alarm tone from now on.
Oh, wait. It doesn’t actually work like that. No, I can hear a rocking song play ten times through snooze a palooza and it doesn’t even jar my depressive brain. But stick it on a video playlist and bam, equlibrium blown for the day.
Joy, joy. Next disability review when asked the repetitive ‘how do your conditions impact your daily functioning’ maybe I will just give them a copy of this post.
Because I am pretty sure when even the things you love trigger your disorders, that is the very definition of a disability.
Anxiety can kiss my ass, sunny side up.