Daily Archives: November 6, 2017

Duty Kills

It’s been an uneventful few days and yet…

My will to live is at critical zero. I’m on auto pilot only it’s wired with a bomb and I’m what’s gonna blow up.

Triggers, triggers, what happened….


Fact is, I am overwhelmed from every direction. Feeling like even your own thoughts are ninja attacks is not normal, healthy, nor is it a sign your psych care or med regime is really working. I have become so desperate I’ve learned to confuse “out of bed” with “this med makes me feel better.”


The darkest lie is the one your brian tells to you.

I see no hope at the end of the tunnel. I can’t father my thoughts to regain equilibrium. I am NOT happy and it is not merely situational. Perhaps THIS is the real breakthrough. Realizing I’ve been so societally programmed and beaten down that I think merely being able to get out of bed means the Trintellix/Wellbutrin combo is working. Being functional has nothing to do with feeling good, hopeful, or in a mind set to plan a better future for mself and my child.

Where does this leave me?

I have less than zero idea.

I’ve just finally reached the point where “upright and functioning”are not good enough. I’ve come to accept hopelessness as a sign of progress, as in growing up and accepting life is hard and depressing sometimes. But this is NOT normal.

Wanting to sleep 24-7, even when your nightmares are just as grueling but you like them cos you can wake up from them…This is not meds working. This is grasping at straws.

This is depression.

Unfortunately, I’ve laid claim to hoping the med combo is working and just needs a higher dose but this is at the highest dose…

This is depression.

And as much as my bipolar axis two manic epiosdes are awesome…This part is agony.

If only I had a haunting I could call a ghostbuster.

When you have all encompassing depression and your mental healthcare team has left you in the lurch with their own staff shortage issues so you get stuck outside looking in…

The receptionist is the only one you can call and you gotta pray for an open space…

BUt hey, my disorders are so disabbling me, I can’t even work up the courage to use the phone and make my agony known.

Fucked up how my personality is so scary I run off men left and right yet…I’m so hindered by mood swings and anxiety I can’t even make a fucking phone call. Panic attacks mimick symptoms of a heart arythmia so what sane person would want to do something to bring on a panic attack?

Do not ever tell me these conditions aren’t a disability. They impact every aspect of my life, good or bad, big or small, and I am fighting like a warrior to beat it but…

Sometimes even warriors fall and fail.

Too Much

I bit off more than I could chew in lecturing today.  I read through the material I had assigned and realized there was no way I could cover it all.  So I had them choose from two writing assignments and when they finished writing, they got into groups to discuss what they had written.  It worked really well but I feel ashamed that I copped out like that.  I think next semester I won’t emphasize the history so much and devote more time to authors, just make them responsible for reading the history and giving them pop quizzes on it and testing them on it.  So I will have more time on the syllabus to get  more done.

We had a good weekend–I got the house to myself Sunday while Bob and the youngest one went to a dance clinic.  My oldest one came to visit and stayed through Saturday.  We went to see Thor: Ragnorok and it was a really cool movie  You saw Thor get really, really angry and just shoot lighting from his fingertips while he was in berserker mode.  It was a great special effects movie that also had a good storyline and characters.  I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would and might would even watch it again.

Long day ahead.  I have the papers to grade so will be able to spend my office time usefully.  But hopefully I will do better in the future and not cop out like I did today.  Not that what I did wasn’t pedagogically sound, but it felt like cheating.  ANd I don’t want to do that again.


The Park As Good Medicine – Part 6

There’s A New Kid In Town First of all, let me introduce you to Miley, the puppy formerly known as Cupcake. We spent a day calling her and referring to her as Cupcake and realized it just wasn’t going to work – so my Hubby has now made it her middle name. Oh, and if …