Forgive any ‘more-than-usual-typos-, my keyboard is being a dick today.
So yeah, put thru the ringer…My kid came home from school after her tooth being pulled, fair enough. Next day she was horsing around in the grass by the bus stop and that is where people walk their dogs so I got a call to bring her new clothes as she has poop on hers. (Worse, she told them it came from inside our house, but I looked all over and there was nothing) then Friday I got a call to come get her cause horsing around at the bus stop resulted in some boy shoving her down and the nurse ‘feared’ her wrist might be broken. No, the school fears liability issues. So I listened to her bitch and moan about going to the doctor except promptcare won’t take her insurance and I spent a half hour on hold just TRYING to get a hold of the nurse practitioner…Finally said fuck it, she’ll live.
One wrist support and some McDonald’s later, she was pitching fries at the cats outside like a pro baseball player-with the injured wrist. I don’t doubt it was mildly sprained, but her level of drama was ridiculous. And I finally pried it out of her…she really wanted to see the doctor so they could give her a note out of gym class. (Oh, she is so my kid.) She says push ups are too hard and boring and her friend had a wrist sling and got to sit it out, so she thought she could, too. Hey, I get it, I broke three toes two seperatime times in junior high and it was blissful to be sent to the library for six weeks during gym class. I didn’t do it purposely and I didn’t milk it, either.
By Friday, after having her at the shop, at home, even now sleeping in my bed again due to nightmares…I dropped her off at my mom’s, went home, and was asleep by nine p.m. I was wiped the fuck out. I didn’t even entertain taking her to the school Halloween event. How can you call it family night when you separate the kids and parents so we can take classes in parenting (spend more time together as a family!!!!) while the kids get to see a magician??? I did it two other years, but after it all last week…my mental state just wasn’t amenable. And it doesn’t make me feel good, either. I also told her Saturday night we’d drive around to look at Halloween lights…IF she brought home her book log, which is worth ten points. She forgot it again so I showed her there was a consequence. Now she just sees me as a sickly promise breaker.
Three days straight she had tirades and yesterday was a full out tantrum because she forgot the book log again and I said, nope, no trick or treating two nights in a row, we had a deal. Wrong thing today. She became very violent, attacked me physically, started snarling, climbing furniture, touching my stuff, aiming a pen in a stabbing motion…She bawled, called me names, told me she hates me…It was worse than Saturday’s fit when she declared she wanted a tsunami to eat her up because she’s done such bad things like writing sex notes in church and lying and hitting people…Yeah, her guilt really ran deep, it lasted a day or so. I recorded the whole episode last night, though, she went insane. And started hurting herself and screaming that I was doing it. I was so terrified of that child, but I didn’t back down, didn’t give in. After she hit me the 7th time and kept coming, I grabbed the phone and told her I would call 911 if I had to. She tried to knock the phone out of my hand.
So I started ignoring her. And she stomped off to her room and ten minutes later was bringing me an apology note asking me to forgive her for hitting me. By which point, of course, I forgive, but I can’t forget, especially when these fits are becoming more frequent. And violent. She just drains me, I have nothing left to give. By 7 p.m. I am begging to just go to sleep…And now that she has stopped sleeping thru again due to return of the night terrors, even my bed and sleep are taken over by her. I don’t know how much more I am supposed to take. The teacher was supposed to hook her up with a social worker so she could work out with a professional whatever is going on here,but so far they’ve met one time in a group. Big help. Like church. My kid lies more than any kid I know. Blatant, guilt free lying, then she lies some more, then she will say, okay, here’s the truth…which later, isn’t the truth at all…
I am already going under from the seasonal shift. I thought my nurse doc might find it a red signal when I said, “I feel like the only way to escape the anxiety of my life is to be locked in a psych ward in a straight jacket and have these people around me who are making demands SEE I am broken down!”But, no, I’d answered no to the suicide or harming others question, I am apparently fine. And it sucks. And I still haven’t made the call to see about switching back to the Dr. B and I think more than fearing social etiquette and nurse doc reflecting it in my file for switching back like I did it because she didn’t give me the answers I wanted…I fear he is so booked I won’t be able to get in til next year. Oh, and I hate phones, making calls gives me anxiety.
My weekend was filled with other anxieties, too. The neighbor girl asked me to keep an eye on her trailer while she was out, so I did…and it turned into this big drama where some dude was pounding on the door for ten minutes right next to my kid’s bedroom so I went out and told him the neighbor’s not home…And get sucked into their drama of texting back and forth and then he texts someone who calls my phone and I have barely any talk time left…And then to say thank you, he told me he’d pop by someday and not forget me being kind. PLEASE DO FORGET. I don’t have anything left to give to anyone, let alone new people.
Sunday I was stalked by K, this trailer park lady who seems very nice, and hey, if she wants to bum a smoke, whatever. But my daughter essentially gave this woman my number to arrange ‘playdates’ because Spook thinks I need friends. Now the woman is becoming a pain I don’t need and of course, when I say I don’t feel like talking or visiting because I don’t feel well…I’m not lying. I’m hanging by a fucking thread here, I don’t have mental reserves for new friends. I don’t have reserves for existing family and friends unless they want to email or text me. I am having a total meltdown in social skills and I have zero desire to change it. It’s called depression and it’s like a flu of the mind that lasts six months. Not that anyone gets it and one more reason to just avoid people. Get sick of explaining it and them running off only to reappear when I am doing better. Fuck you, I’d rather have no friends than spineless people who can’t handle me at my worst.
Today I am at the shop and frankly…it’s mostly cos I needed to use the dryer. I am getting to the point of saying fuck it all. That is what happens when I am pushed so far over my limits. I meltdown, shut everyone out, and just try to survive til the cycle passes. Pushing myself isn’t making me a more successful person. It sure as hell ain’t making me calmer or happier. I need to stop the world for a bit.
One plus is I didn’t have to see or hear from R for 4 days…and in those four days, I didn’t read a single political email or article, I didn’t sign a politcal whatever they are called cos my brained blacked it out…I shut out Trump and republicans and dems and all that bullshit and frankly…even if it makes me a sheeple who deserves to be sent to a concentration camp for being poor and mentally deficient…it makes my life more valuable to me. So fuck political shit, not worth it.
I think I am done. For now.
