Daily Archives: October 20, 2017
Reflecting about last night’s daunting educational presentation & book signing…. Here are some pictures from last night’s event at the library – I wish you could have been there with me & I hope you enjoy them! I had a great, attentive audience. Not a heckler in sight! The highlight was having my daughter and … Continue reading Recap: 1st Book Signing/Educational Presentation @ BC Library!
I don’t keep office hours on Friday, so I am home early since for once I don’t have any type of test to give. Now I need to do laundry and get ready for the weekend.
I have a dilemma. I wanted to take Forms in Fiction I next fall, but they are offering it this spring and I don’t know when they will offer it again. I’ll need to talk to Dr. Dunkelberg about this and see what this will do to my plans through the next two and a half years. I don’t want to take two classes at a time but I was really looking forward to taking fiction workshop this spring. WE will see.
My middle child was accepted into the Co-op Program at Mississippi State–she’ll be going to Carrollton, GA for a job next semester instead of going to school. She’ll go back to school in the summer, then work in the fall, then go to school the next spring, then work in the next summer. I’m excited for her. I think it will be a good way for her to find out if this kind of work is really what she wants to do.
I found out I’m not being observed next Monday like I thought–he stopped me in the balcony and said that he was going to have to reschedule it to next semester. So I’m not sure what that is all about. But I have been put in for next semester for another section of British Lit so that will be good. I will maybe have more students since I’m going to be available for them to register early and the class should fill up better than it did this year. But that will be all right, I think. I’m doing very well at this point and should keep doing so I think if I keep losing weight and easing down on stress and everything else I’m doing.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
First….this post has nothing to do with U2. I really am not into that band. For me, they rank up with Rush-ughhh. (sorry,Mr. M!)…but their song did remind me of what tonight was like for me. (***Disclaimer…I recognize the contribution both of those bands have made to the music world over the years, it’s still not the poison I’d pick.)
By some miracle I staved off the disgruntled shop customer to not take their business elsewhere til Monday (fuck you, asshole postal service,don’t tell me it’s delayed without an explanation!) Like, literally, 20 minutes before I left, all the while wishing they wouldn’t call and ask and me have to deliver bad news, again…But I guess by being sincerely obsequious (is it an oxymoron? Because, yes, I gushed gratitude for their understanding but it wasn’t at all insincere), I bought a day or two for ASS TRASH POSTAL SERVICE to do their damned job properly…(After I sent a pissy email to the ebay seller, oops, what a bitch I am!). Stress makes me panic and panic makes me an enormous bitch beast. Anyway, I miraculously held off that dragon.
Tonight my plan was to have my kid inside, bathed, and fed by 5:30 p.m.
Man makes plans, God, sacred pegacorn, and the flying spaghetti monster laugh.
I kept wondering why neighbor kids were showing up to play in their Halloween costumes..only to be informed there some ‘safe trick or treat’ shindig tonight. Which I had no notice of prior to 20 minutes before it began. And one of Spook’s friends asked if she could go and I said, yeah, long as I talk to an adult for approval. Well, that mom said no. Never mind all I do for these kids and me having them all here giving their parents a break…no, they can’t do fuck all to reciprocate. Then my kid started in. And I don’t do ‘on the spot’. In theory, spontaneous is amazing. In practice with mood swings and panic disorders….it’s terrifying and threatening.
I told her I’d research the local paper on line for details and consider it. THEN I found the article and it said last years between 5p.m. and 8 p.m OVER 1000 KIDS ATTENDERD. Which means at least 1/4 at least had 2 parents with them thus raising th crowd number…And I freaked. I told myself, noooooooooooooooo, you’re gonna end up in the rubber room.
Then my kid raised the ante and asked if her two devil girl friends could come with us. And I felt shitty cos I know (assholes they are) their parents have only one car and the mom had it at work so going with us was their only chance to attend…I said okay. Then wondered why I said okay.
I took 2mg Xanax (No, it doesn’t make me sleepy or impair me, not after 25 years) and the kids costumed up and I took them…Relieved to find a parking space I could easily escape, and also, the line was only 30 people long. I was anxious, I was terrified of losing one of 3 kids, but I was also giggling and taking pics of the Halloween displays…I overheated, nearly choked on a beloved fruit flavored Tootsie Roll, and could have done cartwheels when we finally ‘escaped’…But it wasn’t all terrible. It was stressful to an extent but I tried to bolster myself with the 3 girls’ enthusiasm.
I even let them play in the yard an hour after we got back so they could check out and swap their candy.
Then I had a generic ‘rita to steady my nerves and help me sleep because, dammit, I earned it. I have been so damned strong, so determined…I will pay eventually, but right now…I put my kid ahead of my own needs or likes, I even managed to conquer my own terror and panic for her enjoyment…No resentment. Just…
WOW! I fucking did this!!!!! Not just with my kid, but with two extras in tow! How awesome am I?
I recognize this for what it is. An aberrant manic-mixed episode where I amaze myself with my uber functionality and think WOO HOO I AM BLOODY WELL CURED!!!!
But I’m not. I am dancing on a razor’s edge. Not pessimistic. Realistic.
But, for once….I was tough enough to put my kid’s needs first and just.do.it. I will pay the price this weekend and probably be unable to stumble out of bed beyond going pee and feeding my kid but…for tonight…
I felt like Wonderwoman. It was a good feeling. I just wish mental illness gave a damn and would let it stick the landing.
(Creepy pix to follow…at some point)