My week back in the dish has started with two days of interrupted sleep, one of them with my yapping child in my bed and staying in yap mode til 45 mins before alarm time and then screaming at me for 15 solid minutes about her own wardrobe choices…IDK. It lead to me feeling like I need to sign into a psych ward or something, make the world stop, make the carousel stop turning, just for a bit. And I had 3 relatively peaceful days so this feeling of lethargy yet overwhelmed anxiety is a little confusing.
Then again, it’s not. Temps have been dropping to 39 degrees at night and hello, seasonal affect is kicking my ass. See, when I get cold, I tend to shut down around 8 p.m. and only my blankies and bed and maybe a purring cat matter. The doctors carry on about the sunlight, light lamps, blah blah blah. For me, it’s being cold that truly does me in. And of course, our heat is not working AGAIN this fall season and rather than deal with the landlord I am going to ask R to take a look at the furnace (he had it fixed in under an hour whereas the ‘professional’ heating guys took 4 days) which means getting in line and hoping I am deemed worth the time. Because ya know, asking for working heat is exactly as superfluous as expecting him to drop off work at the shop an hour early to come hang out and watch Llamas with Hats.
Guess that will be lost on others. Just mean, he carries on about people bugging him for stupid shit but me and my kid having heat is not stupid shit. And yes, my landlord should take care of it, but goddamn it, my landlord should do a lot of things and that ain’t how it works. Pardon me if I’d prefer someone who knows what they are doing deals with it. And if he can’t then I will suck it up and call the slumlord.
I guess my patience is wearing thin with everyone, thanks to dish time and seasonal. I receive so little joy out of anything. I am like this robot covered in skin, doing what needs done, forcing the appropriate social niceties yet feeling none of it. I want my blankies, I want to sleep. Even though my last dream involved being a teenager again and at the mercy of my idget father’s constant judgement. Thankfully, I can wake up from that. Well, not his judgment, that is eternal but I don’t live under his roof and he doesn’t do shit for me so he can fuck off.
Everything is so jumbled. I am mad, I am sad, I am hopeless, I am tired, I am wired, up, down, all the fuck around. To my credit, I did muddle through my traditional Friday the 13th thing and wear my Jason Vorhees shirt and watch a Friday the 13th movie. Not much joy in it, just…forcing myself to do the normal in hopes I will be and feel normal. And guess what, mental healthcare professionals? It ain’t working. It’s like faking an orgasm and trying to convince yourself it actually happened.
Faking it takes too much damned energy. I feel I owe a modicum of false cheer for Spook’s sake but otherwise…the seasonal depression has me in its T-rex sized teeth and ain’t likely gonna let go til March. I can’t keep going to be at 8 p.m. only to wake around 3 a.m. but the depression just leaves me not wanting to be conscious and if my kid is already asleep, fighting it seems to be pointless…I’m not waving any white flags. I WILL figure this out. Last year it took getting the heat running before I was comfortable enough to at least last til 10 p.m.
What would save my life is if I could start writing again. But this dish thing with the stress of R’s demands and my kid acting out and all the financial stress….my brain’s not gonna quiet enough to let creativity flow. And insurance won’t pay for the ADD medication that slows my brain enough to focus so I am kind of stuck in this rut and resenting every minute of it.
If I MUST find a silver lining (likely toxic mercury) in this cloud…The cooler weather means the neighborhood brats haven’t been haunting our doorstop morning, noon, and night.
One day it’d be nice to have a big victory instead of trying to make a filling meal out of the tiny ones. I am hungry for something really positive to happen and this little victory stuff leaves me starving.
