Blame and Responsibility These two things drive a huge amount of the content people process in therapy. It is an incredibly difficult subject for almost every living person, but the lack of accurately attributing blame and responsibility often feels like the keystone in a mentally ill person’s psychology. I would like to note here that […]
I have stunned myself today with how productive I have been today. Oh, not around the house, the place is still Biohazard level 5. No. But I had to pay the internet bill, the power bill, and the rent and I had that all done before 10 a.m.
Then I got a voucher from Salvation Army for clothes at their store because what money I had left goes for car insurance and gas and the kid has no fall/winter clothes. I didn’t find any pants, but I got her six shirts, all very cute and in great condition. While doing that, I got a message that someone wanted to bring a TV into the shop. Well, Monday is MY day where I get to be selfish, sans kid, and regain equilibrium, but I still went and opened the shop and took in the TV. It’s a warranty so guaranteed money which means more for him to put towards buying me the car he’s promised for 2 years! (I think me driving a heap of ugly junk bothers him more than me, but then, it is all about appearances and others being impressed.)
After that, I got my meds (my Trintellix costs insurance $512 a month, pharma companies are satan!!!), I got some Halloween stuff (yeah, yeah, what a waste of six bucks) and came home. I decorated. Six years straight Mr. Vorhees has occupied my bedroom window.
Neighbors have told me driving by at night when their headlights hit my window, it scares the hell out of them. Ha ha ha ha. That’s the point of Halloween, ain’t it?
I haven’t taken a pic yet but I even decorated my drought barren rose bush with black roses and skulls. Poor Monster has barely had two dozen blooms all summer cos of lack of rain. Otherwise, she is a monstrously huge bush of hot pink roses. (Yeah, yeah, Morgue, hot pink? My stepmom bought the rose bush for me as a Mother’s Day gift from my kid and planted it, it was labeled as yellow but either the store fucked up or all the stray cats peeing on it changed the color with their urine’s PH.)
Aside from the usual Trintellix induced stomach ache and some anxiety induced trembling of my hands…not been a bad day. Which means the rest of the week when I have to be in the dish, I am probably going to be a hot mess and start freaking out.
Such is the cycle.
On a funny note..I got a comment today on my “Dear Blahpolar…in memory of…” post. Pure Spam or Net Troll. Told me my last few posts have been boring and I need to get back on track. HUH? Okay, that post was about Ulla, not me, in memory of the anniversary of her death. And if that tribute bores you, go fuck yourself with a barbwire dildo. I laughed it off. My posts are pretty consisten in being rambling diatribes about my necessary nemesis, R, and my defiant child and my battles against depression, bipolar, and anxiety, and the never ending money problems. Newsflash, Troll/Spamzilla: my blog has never been anything but boring. Because my life is boring. I am boring. So there will be no changes made. Go read one of the scintillating (BORING) three sentence long blogs talking about what someone ate for the day or insulting someone based on their looks. That’s about your speed, anyway.
Okay. I guess that’s my diatribe for the day. Stay tuned for more boring posts!
Actually stayed tuned for more pictures of my awesome Halloween decor. That’s actually interesting.
I admit I have dreamt about the days when I wished I was just “normal.” But what that meant to me was living a life without a chronic illness. It meant not having to deal with extreme challenges and circumstances. I was wishing for a life of serenity and peacefulness. I assumed those who didn’t live with bipolar disorder had all those things. I learned I was wrong.
The other day I was having lunch with my friend, Bill. He had recently finished my book, “Bipolar Disorder, My Biggest Competitor.” With a sincere look he said to me, “You have a talent for writing. You should write a lot more.” And then he looked at me directly and said, “You know you are really unusual?” Without hesitation I shook my head and said, “Yes, I do.” In that moment I was actually quite proud he had come to that conclusion. He followed his statement with, “And I don’t mean because you are an Olympian.” I nodded. I knew he meant I’m just different.
What never entered my mind was the fact I was different because I had a mental illness. That’s not really even half the story. I’m different and unusual for many reasons. I’m a bit of a rebel. I’ve always stood up for other people who might not have been able to stand up for themselves. I never really went along with the crowd, because I kind of think it’s much more fun to be original. I like being different and I wear it on my sleeve.
But when I was deciding about what I would write today on my blog, the whole idea of “normal” kept coming to my mind.
On a day when I woke this morning to learn an evil man had gunned down hundreds of people in Las Vegas, a city I used to live in and a place I have visited often–in fact, I’ve stayed numerous times in Mandalay Bay-where the shooter took his wicked perch.
I sat watching the news for a few minutes before coming to work. As I sat at my computer I couldn’t help but think about the victims and their family members. I was sad for them and truly for our society as a whole. To think that we aren’t really safe anywhere we go, is a creator of underlying anxiety for many people. I personally don’t think too much about things like that-until something like this happens and I’m forced to entertain the what ifs. What if my sister and brother-in-law were in Las Vegas this month instead of last. What if our whole family was there at a concert at Mandalay Bay like we were a year ago in July.
So can I be “normal?” Yes. I have emotions and reactions just like other people. I live, laugh, love and cry just like everyone else. I struggle on days like today, trying to make sense out of why a person would ever do such a horrific act of violence.
My oldest daughter has a phone interview with the Disney Culinary Apprenticeship program on Wednesday evening! It’s where she can go work for Disney up to six months and possibly leading up to a full time job with them once she finishes it. We’re not sure what the next step is after this phone interview, but it sounds very promising so far. She had to fill out an application and whatnot and she got an immediate response this morning after completing it this weekend. So she is excited and so are we.
I found out that I will be observed teaching by the head of the English Department as a new adjunct. The date so far is October 23. So hopefully traffic shall cooperate and I’ll get there on time :). I have been getting there a little early lately so it shouldn’t be a problem. And we’ll be doing Swift’s Modest Proposal. So I hope that will go well, and I can prepare the students well and myself well also.
The news was absolutely horrible this morning with the mass shooting in Las Vegas. I hope and pray that everyone hurt will recover and that America can somehow get around to taking care of people in the wake of this mess. Horrible news.
Let’s a pray for a good week in the nation and in our own lives.
Posted in Read Along
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