Lottery Loser

Yeah, not that kind of lottery, like I ever have even a buck to spare.

Talking the med side effect lottery. I’d been winning it so far this week but yesterday after putting plenty of food on my stomach…I got hit with vicious nausea and a killer migraine which made sunlight and noise feel like shards of glass piercing my brain. I’d been fine up til then. I had nothing but water so no food or drink set it off. I don’t know why it happens sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t but it sucks. I pleaded with my kid to keep her friends out and the noise to a soft roar and I’ll be damned if I didn’t have four babbling kids burst inside repeatedly. Can I stay the night, can I eat supper with you, can we have a party, hey. look, S and your kid are writing sex notes…GEEZE. This has become so common, them just bursting in in spite of being told otherwise, I even had nightmares about it last night. There’s only one girl in the whole place who is truly polite and respectful and it ain’t my kid.

Used to be the lithium that made me wish for daily death but I quashed that by simply not taking them. I told nurse doctor I wanted off of them because of side effects, twice she blew me off, so fuck it. And aside from an occasional hypo bout that lasts about two hours if I am lucky…Lamictal seems to be holding mania at bay so what logical reason would there be to subject me to more meds that make me ill? Of course, I just live this shit, the docs and practitioners have all that BOOK knowledge which actually means fuck all in the real world of living with mental health issues.

I’m irked with their office, too. Two of my scripts are under my old docs name, so when it comes to refills, I need his office to submit it. She writes my Trintellix so I need her script for that. It took A WEEK to get my fucking meds refilled because these people are so disorganized. LIke my brain isn’t enough chaos, my mental health care professionals make it worse.

I am so relieved it’s Friday and I will get three days away from the shop. Then again, only one thing has come in this week so maybe he’ll decide even helping me put gas in the car is too cost prohibitive. Good. Not really good, but…You know. Anything that lessens the stress and anxiety. I welcome seasonal affect not because the depressions are awesome but because kids go inside, less noise, less anxiety. Sad statement about my life isn’t it? I’ve done fuck all this week but babysit an empty shop and tear apart 5 broken TV’s. Got the busted up knuckles to prove it, when plastic snaps, it cuts you up. It’s a good kind of missing chunks of skin and pain. Got out some aggression. Even with the place being a morgue…my anxiety has been off the charts. I nearly got hit twice today just getting my kid to school. Drop offs are freak out territory and the only way I get through pick ups is to park halfway down the street, walk over to fetch her, and then flee in the direction of least traffic. This shit 5 days a week, plus the cost of gas with no child support and NO help from public aide (not even a letter saying my request for benefit increase due to income change was denied, wtf????)…this is enough to send me to a rubber room, let alone the rest of it.

AND to put another thorn in my very grumpy paw…There are two girls in the trailer park who go to my kid’s school but they are allowed to ride the bus but my kid and two others can’t ride the bus. What, cos the parents have a car, we also have gas money and time to work around school hours? WTF. It’s not right that those girls get a skate while my kid and the others are denied. And I’d put up a fuss but it’d just make me feel worse. Because no doubt the parent got a hardship waiver or some shit cos she has no car so her kids get to ride the bus and it will just make me more furious and stressed.

Breathing is just as important in writing as it is in real life…Gotta remember to breathe cos even spewing this shit to page gets me in a state of being rattled.

Anyone who thinks I am ready to go back to work is welcome to throw their name on the old reference sheet and take the heat when I melt down. Because with the Trumpire set wanting to dismantle social security, period dot com, it’s a matter of time before people like myself are screwed. Too unstable to get hired for a job, too crippled to even maintain a job, and the homeless problem goes up while my kid gets taken away. Sounds like a great plan, Mr. President. God, it makes me vomit to even say it. I really just hate the word president but in this case, it’s just utter dislike and disdain. I’ve apparently soaked up too much fake news by ya know, now having cable and not watching the news. It’s not that I have an opinion of my own and see the horrid things going on around me. Just me being and idiot and buying into fake news.

That’s why I’m suddenly seeing confederate flags go up around town whereas last year there were none. Because it’s all fake news, not the world seeing that hate will be tolerated so let your racist flag fly.

Ha. I went almost a week without a tirade on politics. No one is perfect.

Least I still have a sense of humor.

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