Daily Archives: July 20, 2017

The Chicken Or The Egg?

Of all the things I’ve ever lost, I miss my mind the most.

Seriously. My short-term memory is virtually non-existent nowadays, and it’s supremely frustrating. I can quote you the lyrics from a song that came out in 1975, but I can’t remember what I ate for lunch this afternoon…or even if I ate lunch at all. I’ve had memory issues since I was in my early 40s, but I blamed them on perimenopause then; now I realize that they were probably due to bipolar. At any rate, STM loss is a pain in the ass and I hate it.

A couple of years ago, I asked Dr. Awesomesauce if I might be developing dementia. I had trouble with word-finding, and sometimes would even forget what I was saying in mid-sentence. He was certain it wasn’t dementia, but possibly a combination of meds and brain damage from repeated bipolar episodes. Lamictal is notorious for this, and I take a crapload of it; I’ve also had many, many episodes of mania and depression throughout the course of my life. I still worry about early-onset Alzheimer’s, and I should get a second opinion from Dr. Goodenough, but I do wonder…which came first, the brain changes or the forgetfulness? And what, if anything, do meds have to do with it?

I mean, this is embarrassing. I’m apt to tell the same story to the same person at least twice; I try to read books but can’t remember the first part of a chapter by the time I get to the end of it; I can’t memorize phone numbers. This is one of the main reasons why I’m on disability, and why I lost my last job working with the state: I had to memorize large amounts of material, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even learn the stupid computer program I was supposed to use. And while I’m confessing, here’s this: on my blog posts, I always have to scroll back up to see what I’ve written lest I repeat myself. Pathetic.

It’s becoming harder to cover my faux pas. Or maybe I just think it is because I notice it and I’m self-conscious about it. My son Ethan thinks it’s funny: “Mom, you’ve said that three times in the past two days. You sound like a broken record!” (Yes, he does know what a record is. That’s what happens when a kid grows up with older parents.) I also miss some things and have to be reminded several times. However, the fact that he doesn’t seem to be concerned about it makes me feel slightly better; he works with elderly patients and knows what dementia looks like.

I strongly believe that meds have a lot to do with it, even though it feels like a cop-out. I’ve been maxed out on Lamictal since my hospitalization in November 2014, and the doctors warned me that this would probably happen. That too is somewhat reassuring, but it doesn’t make life easier. I also seem to fall a lot; I’ve had two of them in the past two weeks and four in the past year. It’s like I forget to lift one foot high up enough and trip over myself. They also told me that lack of coordination and poor balance are other side effects of large doses. But what can I do? I obviously need the medication…

Anyway, that’s my complaint of the day. I’ll scroll back up to see if this post makes sense, and then tonight I’ll crush it on Jeopardy! because I can remember all sorts of trivia as long as it happened in the past. Haha!

In Memorium- Goodbye, Chester Bennington

(Sorry for so many mistakes and edits, hard to concentrate with 4 screeching kids on the loose, no disrespect intended, and I swear I’m not a moron, just on sensory overload which leads to idiotic typos and forgot-to-post links. )

It’s been confirmed that Linkin Park vocalist Chester Bennington has passed away. Early reports say suspected suicide but until the officials confirm that…I am just going to say he died. Linkin Park has long been one of my favorite bands and this is a tremendous loss of talent for the music community and fans.

Worse is, he left behind a wife and 6 children. My heart goes out to them right now, for what little it’s worth. Losing a husband and father is brutal and always tragic.

So in memory of this amazing performer, I’m going to post one of my favorite songs by Linkin Park.

I hope you find peace in death, Chester. ❤

Losing My Cool

Yeah, I am losing my cool and only a fraction has to do with the 93 degree heat which isn’t much helped by a single window AC. I am at my wits’ end with my kid and all her friend drama and noise. She can’t play with more than one or two kids at a time so any time 5 or 6 kids are playing, inevitably there are fights and my kid bawling. The latest drama involved one of the older girls saying she is going to kick MY ‘big fat butt’ then a father getting involved and yelling at my kid because she dared protest his snowflakes throwing trash in our yard.

Now my sister tells me mom wants to gift Spook with a tablet as a birthday gift. AFTER SHE BROKE MY TABLET. What does that teach the child? That everything is disposable,you don’t have to be careful or take care of things, and you can always get another. And I told my sister that much, which I am sure has steam coming out of my mom’s ears. Whatever. I’ve come to terms with the fact my mother is never going to change and she will do whatever she wants, no matter what I say, and she’ll do it to spite me. She thinks I am too strict a parent and can’t wait to usurp me at every turn. I’ve actually found a bit of peace because mom can buy her the tablet but I get to dictate what it can be used for, when, and for how long. Crazy grandma may think she’s usurping me,but it’s actually giving me the upper hand. When the kid misbehaves, mommy repos the tablet.

I must sound like an ogre. Too bad. The child has zero empathy, refuses any responsibility, and if I don’t start driving it into her skull now, she is going to be a terrifying monster by the time she is 13. I’m not here to be her friend or be liked, my job is keep her fed, clothed, healthy, educated and to teach her right from wrong. If my family isn’t on board, they will be seeing less and less of her. MY child, MY call.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. My last post was a pretty upbeat one but nature of cyclothymia-esque bipolar is pretty much neverending ups and downs. And day three in the extreme heat with my kid and her friends driving my central nervous system to overload…Yeah, it’s not puppies and rainbow territory. I can tell myself “I am happy, I am calm, I am healthy” a zillion times but what I WANT to be and what I actually am are two different things. Positive attitude is an excellent coping tool until you use it as a form of denial thus invalidating your right to feel depressed or pissed off or whatever emotion at the time prevails. So be positive, but don’t be an ostrich. Sand tastes awful, anyway.

I did my high-ish functioning yesterday by going to the shop to tear apart and destroy 2 junked LCD tv’s for R. I did owe him money and honestly, taking a hammer and smashing things and stomping on them..Cathartic, therapeutic, and no criminal charges. But as usual, by hour three, my nerves were deep fried and I could not wait to get home to my safe little hovel. Plus side, while we were there, Spook didn’t spew pea soup and she was moderately helpful when I asked her to throw some screws or whatever into the trash.

Most likely it’s the excessive heat and not the Trintellix actually working (made my stomach upset this morning, but it didn’t yesterday, kinda random) but…I am no longer buried in my safe bedroom crypt all day and night. I am in the living room where the air conditioner is, for all the good it does. Living in a tin box in high temps and high humidity with minimal air is pretty miserable all around and Mr. Forecastperson says we have 4 more days of this misery. Yay. NOT. But now I am in the living room, watching shows on the TV via computer vga hook up and also using my second non smashed screen laptop when I want to write or whatever. I’ve emerged from my coffin, as Spook calls my bedroom. Sorry but bright light disorients me so I do try to keep my rooms dark or dark-ish. Whatever tiny comforts can be found have to be embraced.

Now I am going to stop because I am afraid my sweaty legs are going to damage the computer and frankly, I can’t stand anything on me in this heat. Spook came home in 95 degree heat and even then, I put her in her bouncer and adored her that way. Can’t stand extra touching when it’s so hot and humid indoors I have cat hair clinging to every inch of bare skin.

You’re welcome for that mental picture.

Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!


Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest.  In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone 😉  All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!!  PIERRE!!  He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays.  Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage.  It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment.  I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job.  I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview.  Needless to say, the job search is going shitty.  I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for.  My attitude is shit.  I woke up this morning worrying about jobs.  What a terrible way to wake up.  Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!!  It really cuts the stress.  Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe here!  Holy hell is it good.  Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it.  Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that.  I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it!  I will support you!!!  I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest.  Peaches, BPOF!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Anxiety, Bipolar and Stress, Bipolar and Work, Bipolar Crazy Bird Lady, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Pothead, Mental Illness, Psychology, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Senator’s Office

So I did call my senator’s local office yesterday and got my request in with them that they do what they can to expedite my claim for my kids’ benefits.  I had to fill out a release form giving them permission to get information about my case, so that was fun.  I got the release, filled it out, and had Bob fax it back, then they couldn’t read all of my writing.  So they called me to check on all the numbers.  So we got that straightened out.  Hopefully they will be able to move this along a little faster than it would have taken otherwise.

I ate with my friend KT yesterday at a really good Chinese place.  SHe and I were both wearing yellow so that was funny.  Things are going well for her–her daughter has an internship with UMC coming up and will be at home then going off to graduate school somewhere (she hasn’t decided).  But we had a good visit during her lunch hour.

I was talking to my buddy Mike in Wisconsin and sent him my poem I wrote about the ballplayer traded for catfish, and he told me that ever since I had shown him a poem I had done for class back when we were both at State twenty years ago, he had thought I was a great poet first and then a very good everything-else.  He said he loved all my writing, but that my poetry was especially good.  I’ve never thought that way.  Maybe I should take poetry again and see how I do.  I’ll have to think about that.