An old friend once said the hardest part is putting your feet on the floor. I remembered this as I laid in bed unable to move this morning. My alarm had been blaring for over 2 hours. I couldn’t will myself to throw back the covers. I insisted I get myself up right this minute so as not to be late for work. No movement. I stared blankly at the black out window shade in my bedroom. The clock ticked. The 8 o’clock hour passed me by. I should have been sitting at my desk. I had quite an important meeting w my supervisor at 1pm. I negotiated w myself that perhaps I could go in around 11. I was also supposed to run an errand first thing this morning for my husband. Important as well. Paralyzed. I just stared.
My phone was on my nightstand. I finally reached over about 8:45 and sent a text to my boss requesting to reschedule. Not 2 minutes later anger and guilt floods me. I “recalled” that text by sending another stating I would most definitely be in by 11am sharp. No response. Now I did it. I must get up. In one fell swoop I threw back the covers, put my feet on the floor and barreled into the shower. No energy to wash my hair. Looking presentable was the hope at this point.
Out of the shower I was trying to figure out how to proceed when I got her text. She replied, its okay. No problem to reschedule. I have personal things I need to take care of this afternoon. I don’t know if that was true or she was kindly letting me off the hook. I have been upfront with her, she knows I have bipolar disorder. I collapsed on the floor when I read her words. Relief. I crawled back under the covers wet hair and all. Slept for about 3 more hours.
The kindness and understanding of another can be so powerful. I cried on the floor out of shame, anger, relief and realizing my boss is on my side. Its not easy being honest with the outside world. Sharing vulnerabilities. Letting people in. But, today I am so grateful I did!
Whelp, I didn’t think I could do it. Seriously. I didn’t think it was going to happen. I cried. I prayed. I studied my ass off. But I didn’t think it was enough. Well guess what? Sometimes the Universe hands you a little miracle in the form of a PASS! And I PASSED the Certified Ethical Hacker exam today!!! Believe me, no one is more surprised than me!! Sure, I studied. But I didn’t own the material. It was just SO MUCH TO KNOW. I can’t even convey to you all the different tools they were testing on, things I’d never even heard of, would crop up on questions, and I’d be like, WTF? I need to know this? Or WHY do I need to know THIS? It just went on and on. I was feeling quite a bit of despair there at the end. I prayed for a miracle. And I believe I got one!
First of all, it’s a miracle that this training was even offered to me. Second of all, it’s a miracle that I decided to try, because I didn’t really believe that I could learn this stuff. After three + years off work and 40+ ECT treatments, I just thought my brain was fried, end of story. But something in me said, “Try.” And I can’t believe I did. And I can’t believe that this is the outcome!! To me, this just goes to show, you don’t know the end of the story. You might think, this is it, this is my life, Bipolar has me beaten (which is what I thought), but Life might have another message for you. And it might be really, really good.
So I am so encouraged. I still have a dwindling bank account, and a car for sale, but I have HOPE. And I have two high-value IT certifications that say that I can learn, that I’m a technical person, that I have abilities. And I have six baby bird eggs about to hatch! Life is good. I think, I actually believe, that I’m going to be o.k. And for that, I am extremely grateful.
Filed under: Bipolar
, Bipolar and Learning
, Bipolar and Studying
, Bipolar Disorder
, Bipolar ECT
, Bipolar Gratitude
, Bipolar Happiness
, Mental Illness
, Psychology Shmyshmology
, Bipolar Disorder
, Certified Ethical Hacker
, Mental Health
, Mental Illness
My middle one is packing to go. She says she doesn’t want help, so I am staying out of her way until asked. I am very lethargic today and not sure why. I stayed in the bed until late and am now having a slow start to doing anything useful.
I hope I am not all of a sudden getting depressed about her leaving. That would be bad. But it’s entirely possible.
We go out to lunch today with my friend Mary Jane and I should be looking forward to that, but I’m just kind of bleh. Maybe it’s just that I haven’t had caffeine yet. I may go for a walk to the corner store and get a coke.
Tomorrow I get to clean up some of the left overs from them rearranging their rooms–I’ve got Candy and Christy coming to help me haul boxes around. And we may go to lunch too. So we will see.
I need to determine that this is going to be a good day no matter what I feel inside. I owe that to them today.
Originally posted on Good Content
An Australian study has found Lithium to be better at protecting the brains of bipolar patients than that of a newer and more popular antipsychotic…
I keep watching crime shows where they talk about old murder cases and look through people’s diaries for clues. Do people do that anymore? I remember 15 or so years ago when I had a LiveJournal, it was almost like that. It was less public than a blog or something like Facebook. It just seems like people are using Twitter where you can only write 120 characters or posting photos on Facebook all the time, rather than writing entire sentences. And it’s always for public consumption, unlike a diary you had to hide under your bed so no one would read it.
I don’t know what my point is, but I think I had an easier time writing things down when I knew no one could read it. I was motivated to create a blog to discuss mental health issues, among other things, especially when I started reading other mental health-related blogs online and found that I could not relate to them at all. Everyone is at a difference place with their issues, everyone has different issues, but it seemed like all the ones I was reading were by people doing quite well and not struggling that much. I’m not minimizing what they are writing or their struggles, I mean that many of them seemed to be posting that their meds were working great, they were happy and doing better than in the past, and so on. And I was not at that same place, so I thought it could also be worthwhile for the sake of visibility of people not quite at the “everything is pretty great now” place.
I think I’ve been in such heavy denial of so many issues that I fear writing about them. Not just because it’s a public blog, but because then I would have to think about things and deal with things, rather than floating along in a state of apathy.
I just found out today that bpnurse has been named as one of the top 100 bipolar blogs on the Internet. In fact, my blog is ranked #63, and I’m in the same great company as my idol Natasha Tracy (who writes Bipolar Burble, as well as a couple of other blogs for Healthline), Psych Central, and Kitt O’Malley to name a few.
To say that I’m flattered would be the understatement of the month. Even though I don’t post as often as I should, my readership is loyal and you’ve elevated this blog to heights I never envisioned when I started it back in June of 2013. I have readers from around the globe, which would never have been possible before the advent of the World Wide Web. I have Facebook friends and followers who read me regularly, most of whom aren’t even bipolar. I like to think that I’m educating people who don’t know a lot about mental illness but are willing to learn, as well as advocating for others who do suffer.
As always, I want to give you credit where credit is due. Thank you for putting me on that Top 100 list! I’ll do my best to continue providing you with perspectives on living with bipolar disorder, information, and even the occasional bit of humor.