Daily Archives: May 11, 2017

What the World Looks Like when You have Bipolar Disorder

rose colored glassesI am not going to sugar coat this. Sometimes, the world can look very dim. However, sometimes it can look wonderful too. When it does look dim is during the deep depressions that come along with this disease also called manic depression. While in a manic episode, you look through glasses and see a world where everything is a place for you to change the world, enjoy everything, and are deluded enough to think that everything can always be this happy.
The downside of bipolar disorder, even while you are happy or what is called mania, you experience very high highs and very low lows. The lows are debilitating where you can not get out of bed, taking a shower takes effort, leaving the house takes motivation you do not have. You withdraw from friends, isolate yourself, and nothing looks like it will ever get better.
During the highs, you can do a lot of damage by spending a lot of money you don’t have, saying hurtful things to loved ones, lose friendships, and take risks you normally would not take.
For me, unlike most people who suffer from this horrible disease, I would rather be depressed. That is because of the damage I cause while manic is so devastating that it causes deeper depressions. Generally, the higher you get, the lower you fall. That is why it is very important for me to not let myself get manic. I have to admit, it is nice to have all the energy and ambition that comes with the illness, but would rather not have those if it means I have delusions of grandeur that cause me to do things I normally would not do and end up with a very high credit card bill.
So, what does the world look like when you struggle with bipolar disorder? It depends on who you ask, but for me, it is a very discouraging illness, however, I have done wonderful things while manic that I am proud of. For example, I blog under the pseudonym Bipolar Bandit, founded and run a group called Advocates for People with Mental Illnesses and have a Facebook page and several other media sites called Mental Health Advocates United. I touch the lives of over 300,000 people between all my social media sites.
I also have been a manager of a movie theater, Teacher of the Year, have run an event called Embrace Life Day that had free food, entertainment, speakers like The Wounded Warrior Project and vendors and exhibitors that volunteered their time. For example, we had karate instructors, horse therapy, spiritual leaders and NAMI, DBSA, Bring Change to Mind and Mental Health America, Suicide Prevention, the local hospital psychiatric wards were all represented. This event drew over 400 people the first year and was on the news!
As I said before, I am not going to sugar coat things. However, I can tell you that, overall I feel blessed to have this illness, yet wish I knew what it was like to lead a “normal life”.


I’m still working on my new nonfiction project and am inviting other people to help contribute to what I eventually want to do with it.  I’m really excited for what I have in mind.  I just hope everyone can contribute that I’m asking to.  I plan to ask a lot of people and hope that some of them with follow up.

Long day so far.  I worked on the food pantry today and we put together a lot of boxes of food for people in the county.  With some left over, again.  It’s always amazing how that happens every week.

I’m up to cook brownies for the office for a guy who is having a birthday tomorrow.  SO I am about to run out and pick that up for cooking tonight after dinner.

TOmorrow things start getting complex again. Practice for the recital, the recital itself, Mother’s Day, and then Graduation.  Bam, bam, bam, bam.  But I’ll make it.

Hope everyone has a good start to their weekend.


Depression Is Influenza Of The Mind

I am down the rabbit hole today, courtesy of PMS, cramps, depression, sinus drainage, and oh, the weather went from dry and sunny to wet and gray but at least I am not freezing. Just seemed like I got my feet under me for a couple of days and now back to square one. I knew it was shifting yesterday even before the weather changed because I didn’t even attempt to proofread or write until after my kid was home from school. That lackluster will to do even what I enjoy usually means splat is coming. And going all shiny happy people to avoid ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ is useless. Depression and splat happen.

Just like the flu. And it’s temporary, it can be mild or extreme, last 24 hours or several days. It’s rarely fatal. But you know when you’re not up to snuff, when you can’t get far from a bathroom due to puking or whatnot. You ache, you sweat, you shiver. No one thinks twice about it, because the flu is NORMAL.

Yet depression is this big confusing theory the masses can’t grasp. It all boils down to them thinking you can snap out of it, shake it off, CHOOSE to feel differently, to feel happy or calm or whatever.

I wish. Just like when I have the flu and am married to the toilet because I can’t ‘positive think’ my body from expelling the usual influenza nastiness, I wish to fuck I could make myself not feel nausea or have stomach cramps or chills or whatever.

Fortunately, I am intelligent enough to know that the flu doesn’t work that way and neither does depression.

And making it all worse is PMS/menstrual dysphoria, I am in pain and moody and everything my kid does seems like an assault against all my senses. She’s become a pathological liar, no drama, she just lies and even when caught lying, she lies some more. She is in a hurry to get everywhere and twice in two days has nearly broken a bone because she won’t slow down. And because of my mental state, I can’t even feel empathy for her. I am wired that way, to not feel empathy for people who just keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and never learning from it. Throw in her total defiance and disrespect…I am struggling. I told her last night about my sister’s friend who has a 9 year old they just locked in a children’s psych facility because not the mom, stepdad, teachers, counselors, no one could control him from being defiant and physically abusive. So the powers that be come in and they take kids from loving parents if the kids don’t behave.

I may as well talk to a brick wall. She says the I love you mommy’s, she says she is sorry, she is going to change the behavior…but it never happens and it’s shades of the donor all over again.

The other day I caught her in a lie and suddenly she says it’s because she is being bullied and she thinks she needs a counselor now. Last week I suggested we go to counseling because obviously she is mistreating me for a reason and we need to talk about it and fix it. She hated the idea, said it was her friends making her do bad things.

I am at wits’ end. I am not, at this time, strong enough for this shit. And I am terrified to take her to a counselor, anyway because last time, the child psych said it was all my fault, my kid was picking up on my depression, my anxiety, I was causing her to feel unsafe and unloved…I am NOT going back to hear that bullshit again. My kid may pick up on my issues but blaming me for a disorder I can’t control when my child does fine at school and church therefore she CAN choose to control her behavior…That psychologist deserves a lawsuit for what is borderline malpractice. Instead of helping, at all, she just made me hate therapists even more and I already had that covered from the last one I had breaking privilege.

I feel trapped. And once the hormones die down, I will read this post and roll my eyes and think, “Wow, I am whiney little wimp, geesh.”

But the depression will still be there and maybe I’ll feel good a day or two or three. But much like flu recurring, I will go right back down this rabbit hole again. Instead of people bringing me soup and encouraging me to get some rest…I will just get the ‘snap out of it’ spiel all over again.

I’m not sure any med combo is going to make me feel better anymore. Fact is, people are just stupid for the most part. You can be rocket scientist smart, but if you choose to castigate mental disorders, you are stupid. And it’s Trumpnation now where stupidity and hate and being evil are embraced as long as you’re rich, not female, not gay…

Not big on religion but for once in my life I keep looking heavenward and hoping it’s all for real. I want God to smite Trump and all his followers and anyone else who is a cruel human being. I want bad people to be punished as the so called ‘Bible” threatens.

We all know it isn’t going to happen, though. Is the Bible fake? Or was the notion of punishing the corrupt tossed in as wishful thinking? I’m not a great person but after recent political events…I could pretty much eat the souls of newborns and still be less putrid than those in power in this country.

It’s enough to give you the fatal mental and physical flu just to escape it.

Tune in a few days from now when I am chirping about cute kittens and how pretty my rose bush looks out in the yard. Today…I dislike everything about everything.

Educate Yourself About Bipolar Disorder

It is easy to think you know everything about your illness, but one forgets. Take some time and read about bipolar disorder again. Another great article to read. We love to hear from […]

Black & White Shuffle

They are soft tears
Rolling slightly
I sit innocent
As they trickle
No cascade
Just a trickle
Just enough
A lasting reminder
I’m not in control
Often calling the shots
Television in the rears
Begging for distraction
Yet I stare
Yet memories blare
Yet anxiety taunts
Thoughts of despair
Wet cheeks in tow
I shuffle off to bed