Daily Archives: April 27, 2017

When Mania Mimics Drunkenness

In the categories of’don’t try this at home, kids”, and ‘ill advised’ and ‘are you fucking nuts’…I stopped taking my lithium four days ago. I’m sorry, the nausea was too much and I got to reading my old writing and it was just better than the lithium husk of current days…So I stopped it, just to see if there was a difference in my writing quality. It’s too soon to really say, but at least it hasn’t slowed me down. Fifteen single spaced pages in 3 hours today alone. I will go back on the lithium the instant the roller coaster starts sliding on the rails but for now…Lamictal will suffice.

Which brings me to…manic episodes. I was sort of low yesterday but today, in spite of a cold cold wet morning dragging me under…I bounced back and the brain went warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock, Sula, and Lt. Uhura. I lurve when I get in the writing zone. Ideas coming at me breakneck speed. Following through with planned errands instead of ducking out. Doing utterly unpleasant things that will likely result in me being blamed when I am not at all to blame, R is just an asshole. (parts order glitch.)

Flip side…I came out of my “anti people” slump and called my mom and apparently she told my sister I am drunk at 4 in the afternoon, based on my rapid speech and using the wrong words and stammering a bit. Hello? Vintage bipolar mania.

Perhaps the upside, in my situation, is I cycle so rapidly, I am rarely manic more than a day, at most, unless hypo manic. Axis 2 bipolar is a spiteful bitch, providing so few manic episodes yet giving months long depressions. Especially when attached to seasonal affective disorder, which is mega sucky when you live in the midwest with the fickle weather changes…

My mom, I have concluded, is as hopeless a cause as is my father and friend R, in grasping that bipolar isn’t the same as lazy or stupid. Even today on the phone, the topic switched to her wanting cremated and my sis insists she be buried…I tossed out my wishes to donate my body to a medical school, better to teach something than be worm few or dust…And I said, “They can study my fucked up brain…” My charming mother tosses out, “Yeah, your sister didn’t get any of that stuff.”

Denial much? Oh, wait, my sister’s three trips to the looney bin were because she was young, she was stressed, she was drunk, she was on meth. She barely raised her own kid til he was 15. She shunned meds and replaced that with drunken bouts where she becomes combative and violent. But hey, she has a job and she keeps excellent house and cooks fabulously. I’m the loser.

Of course, I didn’t say that to psycho hose beast mombie. She has accused me perpetually of envying my sister, like it’s some petty thing. I envied my sister when she was a grand theft auto breaking into bars and stealing booze troubled kid. Only because she was the one person, even if younger than me, defended me against the bullying I suffered at school. She never shunned me or made fun of me and she wasn’t afraid to throw down. I was a mousy bookwork who could throw out sarcastic barbs but didn’t dare throw down physically lest I get expelled or arrested and upset the parental units. I envied my sister for being fearless and brash. For being loyal.

I don’t envy her getting married at 19 to a man who 18 years later still won’t work and spends all time obn X Box and smoking pot. I don’t envy her living with a bunch of other people and having to wait on them hand and foot. I don’t envy her weekends drinking with her odd friends whom I find as interesting as drying paint. Sorry, not rude, just honest.

Point being (I am fairly sure I have a point but the manic brain spins pretty fast)…Once I envied my sister but I don’t now. Mom will never grasp that any more than she will grasp that I didn’t ask for bipolar. Her hypocrisy is a salty drink to swallow as she was once in a locked ward for depression and anxiety, but hey, she came out of it, no meds needed, she just became completely venomous and a shut in. The meds suck but just getting use to being a miserable person is worse.

See the manic shifts in this post alone? You probably think I am drunk. Unless you’ve been through the manic episodes, in which case you might pump your fist in the air and say “I get this sooo much!”

I know it’s the sudden drop in lithium level, mania is the next step. I just need to mythbust whether my current lackluster writing is related to the lithium shutting down any true emotion. Once I determine that, I’ll go back to my puke inducing sane pills. My shrink seems to have zero problems with me tweaking my own meds since he is so busy he can’t see me more often. I don’t advise doing as I do, but…We all walk our own paths, it’s not up to me to tell anyone what to do as it is not up to others to tell me what to do.

As much as bipolar sucks…Even if steeped in denial…You gotta admit…mania is a high money can’t buy. Shame, like drugs and alcohol, it is so destructive. It’s like feeling good just leads to feeling bad. I don’t even know what that is, Universe. Cockweasel world.

I’ve Been Getting Urges

I have been getting urges to go back to work. Which is something I know I’m not ready for. I’m too damn shy to be any kind of telemarketer or phone sex op. I’ve done both so I know what I think I’ll be good at.  It’s not that I would be bad I would just be uncomfortable. I want to start going out of the house before I seriously consider working from home. I need to be able to push myself. This agoraphobia is a real bitch. I haven’t been out in I think six weeks. Well that’s not true because I did walk to the mail box on my own several times. The neighborhood feels comfortable enough for me to walk a little ways from the house on my own.

Omg this post is awful, not artfully written at all. I dunno I just want to share the changes that are happening, but am still not back to posting every day. I need to push myself to do it as I feel better after posting.

Anyhoo there’s that.

Do you have friends??

I don’t know if this issue is related to bipolar or just me. But while I have many many aquantainces and people that love me, I don’t have a best friend! And I haven’t in many years. You know that person you talk to almost daily and that you want to call first thing when life happens and you need to vent. 

I have my husband and he’s a really good guy. He tries to listen when I need him to. And he does he best to support me while I’m working it out. But he’s not a girl. He doesn’t have conversations like girls do, and I miss that. 

I have had close friends over the years. I used to think that I had them so I could help them through a hard time, or times. And I have I’ve done it many times. And then it feels like they outgrow me and move on and then they don’t need me anymore. Sometimes I still believe that because it hard. 

But now I think it’s more that I was able to help them with whatever their issues were and once they are back on their feet they just go back to their life. I helped them in a way that allowed them to move forward to better things. How could that not be a good thing?

It is but it’s also lonely. And this is where the Bipolar comes in. Because sometimes I do really good at keeping up and other times I don’t. I realize that’s something that everyone deals with at different times because of kids, or job, or whatever. But for me I just get tired. I get tired of searching for someone that will be my friend and that I can share life with. You know, have over to the house. Show up at their house when I don’t want to be at mine for whatever reason. I haven’t had that in nearly 20 years. Of course, I had young kids for much of that time AND I moved  across the country after I graduated high school. It’s hard to make friends without school to help out. There have been people who are really sweet to me and tried to include me. 

I guess maybe because of the unending brain overdrive I think to much. I feel like I am a burden. I feel like the things other people have to do are more important than me. And that might be true sometimes, but not always. Plus there’s the fact that I have a tendency to over react to situations around me. Even if it’s only something I think happened. 

I am trying to work on it. I’m trying to keep in better touch with the people who put the effort in and show me their love. But I think the truth is as you get older those people diminish anyway. Not because they don’t want to but because life gets in the way. And if you have kids you can pretty much forget having friends. You can’t even finish a whole conversation most of the time when the kids are young. 

But still I see people around me with friends and people who care about them. And I don’t really have that. Sure there are people who care but it’s not like I see them and hang out with them. It’s exhausting trying to find friends when all of your are and have been across the country for 20 years. It’s harder to build a bond once you are out of school and once you have been hurt by people. It’s like your a turtle and you just pull into your shell and ignore the world. And that I think is even more so if you are bipolar. 

Relationships take effort. And especially when you are married and have a family it’s hard to find that effort. I am trying to find it again. But it’s an uphill battle and one that I am not sure I will win. I am awkward in group situations too. I end up talking to much and then I feel like I stole everyone’s time. When I try to be quiet it’s extremely hard for me, and I don’t get to bond that way either. Then there’s all the other things that come along. You finally find a friend and it’s a person who is so needy you can’t handle it and basically have to vault the friendship. Plus, I get bored. I don’t want to hear the same story and the same issues over and over. Let’s mix it up. Talk about something else. Man, I don’t know. 

I thought this was gonna be a good post. I think it has mostly ended up with no answer and no solution. Maybe one day I will figure it out. I sure hope so. But until then I have an awesome family and amazing kids. And I’m ok with that, mostly. And maybe one day I will meet that perfect best friend and we will live the next half of our lives making memories and driving everybody crazy!!

Thanks did reading! Be blessed today!!

Awards Ceremony

Going today to the statewide banquet for Star Students in Mississippi here in Jackson.  My middle one is sharing the Star Student distinction with her best friend–they both made a 35 on the ACT so they split the award for Brandon High.   They get recognized at this event and get a luncheon.  I, trying to be supportive mom that I am, am going along to  watch and be a proud parent.

Then we go to her allergy doctor appointment.  Hopefully we will get done with the luncheon in time, but I think we will.  THe appointment is at 2 p.m.  So that will be over with.

Went to church last night and heard about the story of Joseph.  Very good sermon.  Talked about how he was set apart by God, and he spent time talking about two misunderstandings Christians often have about God–that he brings good about through evil and that we are foreordained to be saved or not.   Bro, David said that God overcomes evil with good, and that God does not ordain our end–he is simply sovereign over it.  So that was interesting.

WEll, I need to go get ready for the event.  Everyone have a good day!



What I Know Here, Today, in the Now

My friend, Marilyn, often tells me I am doing better than what I think I am, struggling about the same as most people (sometimes a little less, even), and I often have a hard time wrapping my head around that little nugget of wisdom, although it is often very true.

I have “survived” a great deal in life, and here I am, still kicking almost 36 years into this great life that I have created.

I know what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what works and what doesn’t, and when I can keep these things at the front of my mind, I can exist in a state of fairly ok-ishness.  Of course, there are ups and downs in life, but everyone has ups and downs.  I think I just tend to experience mine a little more fully than some in the world.

There is very little in my life right now that is inherently “bad” or “negative.”  It has taken many years of therapy, but given enough time and the right support, I can usually get even the negative situations worked out fairly well.  When I am not in a full-on manic state or a full-on depressive state, I can say that I actually live a pretty full and happy life.  Of course, I have my moments, but I am beginning to learn and accept that everyone on this planet has their moments.

We all have certain things we struggle with more than others, whether our issue is bipolar disorder, some other mental illness, a physical issue, or just tough circumstances.  The point is to keep going, and to keep trying to make one’s life increasingly more peaceful, more happy, with more love.

I am currently dealing with some issues related to medications and a disruption in my routine.  It has thrown me for a loop, but I am dealing with it, how I know to deal with it.  In a week or so, I am going to be able to hit the exercise routine again, and in the meantime, I am getting the nutrition part of things under control.

I am crafting daily, have had some good sales at the gallery, and am working on some really beautiful new pieces for the gallery.  That makes me very happy; it is something I derive a great deal of pleasure from.

I have been getting back into my reading and am thinking about trying my hand about doing some shorter, yet still glowing,  book reviews….some that I had promised to do long ago, and some that no one has asked me to do, but that I feel the book is worthy of praise and is important for others to read.

So I am still that DBT girl, standing in front of my life, asking myself to keep trying, but to try a little harder, even though I am doing the best I can.  I will probably always be that girl, and that is fine by me.  It is progress, not perfection, that I am after.


Filed under: Life Worth Living Tagged: age, art therapy, contentment, crafting, DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, happiness, hope, hopeful, mental health, mental health recovery, mental illness, recovery, solutions, Therapy, time