Daily Archives: February 22, 2017

They Don’t Like My *AHEM* “Voice”

Apparently I have a bad voice.

I’m not even sure how this is a thing.

It’s my writing voice that’s bad, by the way. I think my real voice is fine.

I won a writing competition a few weeks ago, and the prize was that agents could look at the winning entries and request the manuscripts. Eleven agents requested mine (for you writers out there…that’s kind of a big deal). I’ve written a novel with a bipolar protagonist, and…I think it doesn’t suck. I like it, anyway (but that’s like my mom saying I’m pretty, isn’t it? I created the characters. Of course I like them).

Three of the agents have gotten back to me with rejections. One was terse and gave me nothing, but the other two said that they simply “didn’t connect with the voice.” I once had someone in the publishing industry tell me that “I don’t connect with the voice” is a basic cop-out rejection because no one can really argue it. How can someone change their voice? It’s a catch-all when agents don’t want to give actual feedback (allegedly).


I give up writing, I guess.

HA. Funny. Okay. Moving on.

Here are way more entertaining things that agents could say to reject me when they don’t like my voice (to the eight agents who still have my book…go ahead and copy and paste. Hand on heart, I won’t be offended. I gave you the responses. You’re welcome).

  1. Your protagonist’s voice was kind of bitchy, and I wanted to slap her by chapter two. I don’t like the violent tendencies your book has inspired in me, and so I don’t want to read any more. You are rejected.
  2. I actually fell asleep while reading your manuscript, and that’s impressive because I was at a parade at the time and I drank five red bulls that morning. That’s how monotonously boring your voice is. You are rejected.
  3. Your voice is a combination of Gwenyth Paltrow and Dora the Explorer. Oh, you don’t understand how that works? It’s because it doesn’t. You are rejected.
  4. Your voice reminds me of my college professor who had a terribly nasally voice, and he used to drone on and on. We had to act like we were paying attention, but I tried to tune him out to listen to buzzing flies because they were less annoying. That’s what your book is like. You are rejected.
  5. Your voice reminds me of this terrible blog, hazelhillboro.com. It’s abysmal. I am so disappointed in myself for ever wasting time on it. Go waste your time on it, because you sound like her and therefore will never get published. You are rejected.
  6. Your voice is like an opera singer who’s trying to get over laryngitis (but in a writing way, of course). It’s like there might have been talent there, but it can’t shine through the nasty. You are rejected.
  7. Your characters are trying too hard. You tried to make them cool, but it sounds like they’re all constipated. You basically need to coat the entire manuscript in ex-lax and get things flowing better. You are rejected.
  8. I didn’t connect with your voice because I have a hard time connecting with anyone. I’m seeing a therapist about this. Unfortunately, I haven’t made much progress yet. You are rejected.

See? There you go. Eight responses for the eight agents left. Now I’ve written the book and the rejections. Most compliant and helpful author ever? I think so. 🙂


Still Sick

My middle one is perking up somewhat.  If she keeps getting better, she should go back to school tomorrow.  I hope she can.  She doesn’t need to miss any more school.  She’s on track to graduate with honors and I don’t want that to  be messed up for her.

Otherwise things are rocking along pretty good.  I need more words for my essay I hope to turn in later on in class.  I will keep trying to remember what happened and work on it.  It was SO long ago that I suppose I’m lucky I remember anything about it.

My oldest is going to come home tomorrow and get things for her Spring Break trip to the Grand Canyon.  She needs stuff to pack for out there and her medicine and other items.  She just won’t be able to stay long.    Hopefully she won’t catch what her sister had whlie she’s here.

I’m feeling pretty good–slept in some this morning but that is all that I have noticed about my symptoms.  I’m trying to stay busy and do what all I need to do for the house and everything.


The Heart of a Gymnast

Daily Prompt – Rhythmic The first time I saw rhythmic gymnastics was during the 1984 Olympics in Las Angeles, where it was first introduced as an Olympic Sport. That year many of the Eastern European countries boycotted the games and … Continue reading

Colossal Crumple

This house of courage
While standing
And appearing strong
Is actually toppling
Possibly imploding
Painfully slow
The casual observer
Friend or foe
Cannot see the beginnings
Of a colossal crumple
Simply because I cannot let them


I am hanging by a thread today. War with my kid first thing this morning. She ordered me to cut a chunk of her hair out cos it was sticky with bbq sauce from lunch yesterday. I told her it was her own fault because she was showered last night and told to wash her own hair when she demanded I get out and give her privacy. I even pointed it out when wrapping her in a towel and telling her we needed to rewash it right. That set her off last night and I was in hell with period pain so I let it go. She makes choices, let her live with them.

So this morning she just started yelling at me, mouthing off to every single thing I said. And being all hormonal I went from being angry to being weepy hurt to wanting to send her to live with her father because I CANNOT HANDLE MUCH MORE OF LIVING WITH THIS CHAMELEON FROM HELL. So goody goody to everyone else, a goddamn demonic presence to me.

I’d be the first to say if I felt I was in any way distorting this due to hormones or mental bad code. But this has been going on for years, R has seen it, Mrs R has seen it, Bex saw it when she was here. Spook is just awful to me, plain and simple. And it always revolves around being told “no” or some other thing I must do as a parent. I feel like my hands are tied, cement blocks are around my ankles, and I’ve been pushed into nasty murky water. I am drowning and nothing can save me.

It’s weird because yesterday was just typical day one of shark week, immense pain and an inability to stay awake so I napped most of the morning. I was too pain ridden and bone weary to have true feelings.

Except for when my kid said she told her friends I only shower her once a week. That made me furious. She had 4 showers last week, ffs, and during winter, the pediatrician said provided she’s not covered in mud, every other day is fine. But I guess some super parents bathe their kids 7 days a week, and probably have cooperative kids who don’t scream and growl at them like a rabid animal. Mine is a wild card. I never know when I am going to say “time to shower” and find her agreeable or feral.

I’m sick of her pathological lying, sick of the growling, sick of her crap, period. Now if you follow me at all, you know I live for that child. But I am hanging by a damned thread here and I’ve got no help, no support. I have never felt so alone and scared  before in my life.

So easy peasy, right, just get her into counseling, maybe they refer her to a child psych. Or lock me up cos it really is just me and I’m a bad mom.

Not so easy. Because I got a medical bill and turns out, her donor’s insurance doesn’t kick in til you’ve met a $4000 yearly out of pocket. Will public aide cover some of it? I have no idea. But that is utterly useless insurance. I can’t pay a $400 doctor bill on what is coming in. He won’t help because as far as he, and the law, are concerned, him having insurance and his support pittance are all he is responsible for. And thing is, that was just ONE bill from back in December. I’ve got THREE more coming and one of them was that seven hour ER trip with all the labwork and X Rays.

Last thing I need now is to try and get therapy if his insurance won’t cover it and some services aren’t covered by public aid if primary won’t pay.

I fucking hate that I ever listened to all these assholes around me who insisted getting him involved just for child support money would improve our lives. We’ve never been so poor and I’ve never had this kind of debt coming in.

I wish that was all that was wearing me threadbare. The shower faucet decided to go FUBAR last night and the cold water won’t turn off. All night it’s been running and so now i have to call the useless landlord for one of his useless people to come fix it. Maybe since he pays the water bills he will be motivated to get it fixed right away. The sound is driving me nuts, because it’s not the relaxing sound of a shower, it’s that high pitched sound of water almost turned off but still on. All.fucking.night.

Why can’t I catch a break at all?

Is this my karma? Am I really being punished for being bipolar and “getting mine” in the form of a kid that treats me the way I’ve treated others in the past even though there was no ill intent, just badly treated mental code?

Am I just feeling sorry for myself?

Topping it all off, R wants me to come to the shop today and I am in pain, still tearing up at the drop of a hat, and gotta get this damned faucet thing fixed.

Hanging by cheaply made thread that is going to snap if someone so much as breathes on it.

If life is a gift, I got the gag fake dog poop.

Awesome News!

The phone rang earlier today. It said private withheld, so I answered it; ninety nine times out of hundred, that means it’s someone working for the NHS calling. And it was — it was Dr. K. She was checking to see if I’d seen anyone since seeing her last, as that was quite a bit back now. I confirmed that I had, and was about due another appointment, but that I wasn’t too fussed because I’m doing well. She was happy to hear that, but it wasn’t the main reason she called…

She had called to ask if I’d heard anything in regards to my ADHD diagnosis referral. She’s been fighting tooth and nail to get that sorted for me for some time now, even though it’s not technically her job. It’s my GP’s job — referrals for that sort of diagnosis comes from GP surgeries. I’d given up on it ever coming through, but said it had been approved! She confirmed that she would continue to chase them up to make sure I was properly informed of what I needed to be doing, but man.


So much relief. Like, I was surprised by how much weight off of my shoulders it took off. I almost cried. I’ve been scatterbrained and unable to focus well since the call, because shit. I’ve been trying to get this through for years now, and have been grateful for Dr. K’s efforts on my behalf because it’s gotten a lot worse in the past year or two. Like ‘possible danger to myself and others’ levels, in my own opinion. So knowing that it’s moved that step closer to actually happening is just… well. You get the idea. I’m sure the husband will be happy to see it sorted too, if only so he can talk to me and know I’m not accidentally ignoring him, ha ha. It took until fairly recently for him to process that I wasn’t being intentionally rude. I wasn’t ignoring him. It wasn’t going in my head, but I was good at faking acknowledging faces because that’s part of coping with people and ADHD.

I just wanted to get it out of my head while it was fresh. I’ll make sure to share more when I know more.



[[radio edit]] Just to clarify — this is not the diagnosis. This is the *referral* for diagnosis. Yes, I know, I think it’s pretty dumb too, but that’s how it’s done here apparently. Never mind that my psychs can tell I have it, etc.

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Today’s Unsolicited Advice

When you stop to think………don’t forget to start again.

Discrimination Against Size Is A Reality

I applaud this woman and I hope she is successful in her fight. If she is, I hope other provinces, like my own, will take notice. In 2014, I felt embarrassed and insulted when a doctor, who was operating to … Continue reading