Well, I hope you all like flowers! I thought these were nice.
So it is Tuesday morning and I have been up since four. My sleep is suffering with all this stress with the kids. I’ve been doing some stuff on my phone and resting on and off so I am doing okay. In about half an hour, I’ll talk to my support friend on the phone. She is sort of a prayer partner.
I did some good stuff yesterday. I got a pot roast in the slow cooker, went out and had breakfast with a friend, went to yoga and then drove on to my women’s group. I am still VERY nervous even driving short distances, which frustrates me. The therapist says it will get better as I go…I just need to practice. Well, I am trying.
My daughter is making noises like she may want to go back to work in a week or so. She doesn’t WANT to go back, but this leave she is on does not include insurance or pay, so she has no money and is actually dependent on us for it. I do think she can make it back and finish out the year. She needs to see her therapist frequently, even when she feels good. She needs all the coping skills she can get.
Wed:
Nothing planned for today except a shower which is good as I was up from 1-4 am. My sleep is really getting thrown off with all this stress.
I’ve been having stomach trouble with some pain so I missed my bipolar group yesterday. I was sad about that. They understand.
Daughter is off with husband to see her psychiatrist. My daughter usually lets him go in with her. I think it’s good as she has a second “ear” and also an advocate.
Danny has been doing okay for the last few days. I am going to give him a few more days and then talk to him again about taking the Lexapro.
There was a mix up with my insurance and they won’t let me have my Klonopin for this month. It is a long story but they say they gave me two months last month. This is really dumb, because they never do that. It’s ONE month at a time. Plus, if they had given me two months worth, I’d have quite a few left. Nope, somehow something got mixed up. So I will be limping along with the Klonopin I have left. I guess it’s a good way to wean off.
I feel tired and depressed. There was a show in town I actually wanted to go see, but the tickets were all sold out. Sort of a bummer. I’d like to go to a couple more plays and concerts.
Tomorrow I have my CBT therapist, followed by lunch with my best high school friend, plus yoga. I hope my stomach pain stops and I can get to this stuff. It will be good for me to get out and get around.
Thurs:
Woke up too early but am doing okay. Have to get ready in a while to go see the therapist.
Sometimes I feel like I am just getting overwhelmed with anxiety. I am so afraid to drive very far and I just “fret” over everything. I don’t have an official diagnosis relating to anxiety, but I swear something is going on. This is relatively new for me….I think I have had depression/ bipolar almost all of my life, but this anxiety just came on gradually in the last three years or so. Not to whine, but it’s not as though I don’t have enough to cope with.
I am supposed to meet a friend for lunch and I have been sitting here thinking about canceling. No big reason, I just feel mildly depressed. She’s always perfectly turned out and looks great. Her personal life isn’t perfect…she’s my age and married to a guy who is 84. I’m all for an age difference, but it’s a lot. Plus, her kids have problems just like mine. I’m sure overall things aren’t wonderful every day for her but she sure looks good.
Then there’s yoga this afternoon. I like yoga and feel better after I go, but I just have this low level “I don’t feel like going thing.” I get exhausted.
On the good news front, I did take a walk last night. This is a big one for me.
My husband just sent me a text (he is upstairs) about the new Fifty Shades of Gray movie. He says we should be upset because it stinks as only 13% of critics liked it. Ha! I did read the books. I want to keep up with the movies, even though the premise is fairly ridiculous. The whole thing is funny.
Fri:
Did cancel lunch with friend and did not go to yoga. Too depressed and I cried at CBT therapist.
Today I see my old psychiatrist. He has moved WAY to the other side of town. I am seeing his friend, Dr. R who lives over here also. I would totally switch to Dr. R as I like her but I am on two disabilities. I have SSDI and also private disability insurance. Both of these require occasional updates and I just don’t know Dr. R that well. I don’t have a history with her. So we are limping along to have my old psychiatrist fill out this kind of paperwork.
Plan on going to garage sales and hanging some pictures tomorrow. May go to nursery to see about some new plants for pots out front. Not much else going on today.
Danny has been in a good mood and so has daughter. However, she is still not interested in going back to work. She is making it to yoga, stretch class, and out to movies and coffee. She must be feeling better. I don’t want her to quit working and wind up like me. Not good.
Sat:
Got up and went to some garage sales with husband and stable middle son. We had a great time…I am feeling pretty good. I found some little things, but nothing too big. My husband is upstairs as I write this hanging pictures in our bedroom. I am downstairs sitting with the dogs so they don’t bark at the pounding.
I had an epiphany of sorts last night. I am trying to be realistic but I realized that I am really disabled. There’s just no way around it. I can barely handle day to day life and don’t think I could without my husband or some other helper. I certainly can’t hold down a job. Just doing the stuff I try to do like walking, yoga, and my various groups is beyond me. I miss a few things every week. It’s sort of sad but I don’t think I will ever be “normal”.
I have my days planned out and there is time for fun and other activities, but I miss a lot because I just don’t feel well. It’s either depression, tiredness from medication, or anxiety.
I keep trying though. I don’t give up. I don’t have tons of time left in my life and I want to live a little. Not a lot…but maybe a medium amount.
I will say, however, I am living a fuller life in some ways. When you are working (or when I was), I was so exhausted I’d come home and collapse on the couch. Now I have time to do things like see friends, go to bipolar group, and meditate. There is a lot more time for self care.
Sun:
I feel pretty good today. I am up and dressed for church. After church, we’ll stop to see my uncle in a nursing home, then later go to see a movie.
I had to get a size smaller in yoga pants. This is a good thing.
Got up at 4 and ate a bagel. Was absolutely starving.
Will see how today goes.
Mon:
Yesterday went well. Made it to church.
Some drama with daughter as my husband asked her when she was planning on going back to work. She didn’t want to hear that she had to pay her own bills.
I feel decent this morning…..sort of baseline. I need to get a weigh in at the diet doctor’s. Then I have yoga and women’s group. I am planning on making sort of a corn/chicken soup in the slow cooker.
I got a few very little Valentine surprises for my husband and kids. I was proud of myself for thinking ahead and being prepared.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
lily
