Daily Archives: January 24, 2017

Guest Post – Let’s Talk About Anxiety

Like me, Veronica Hill of Story of My Life suffers from, among other things, anxiety and food issues. However, while I struggle with bingeing everything bad for me, she has other concerns. Here is just another way that mental illness … Continue reading

Uninspired so title this for me

(wonderdaze, thank you for the birthday tidings and I was going to send you my email via your comment  but I clicked wrong and now I can’t find the comment, ega.  it’s manicmurderdoll@gmail.com)

Fog has lifted a bit. I still napped this morning because I slept so poorly last night. Naps lead to me feeling slothful but I guess if the brain and body need more rest…

To clarify for those who were guilted…When I recently remarked how disappointed I was by a lack of birthday text or email, I was not referring to any specific tribe member. I was referencing people I’ve known 15 plus years who love to claim to be my friend and call on me when they need something yet can’t take ten seconds to remember me on my birthday. It’s less me being needy and more me having a problem with thoughtlessness and rudeness. If I can count on my on line friends more than the 3 dimensional ones all the psych professionals seem to think enhance my life…well, I am staying behind my computer.

I am still unmotivated.

Having stress stomach aches, though I think that has more to do with my kid;’s constant fussing over her ailment de jour. She has a hangnail, take me to the ER. A splinter, I need the ER. A headache…ER. Jebus she is stressing me out. I try to take a laid back approach to this sort of thing because I don’t want to become some hysterical mom with Googleitis who thinks a mosquito bite is swine flu or some shit then the doctors lock me up for Munchausen by proxy. At the same time, I worry myself sick that what if that tiny little thing is a sign I am missing and I could be harming her by being so laid back? GRRRR.

Also weighing one my mind is my shrink appt next week during which he will ask why I haven’t gone to join those  borderline support groups and let’s face it…If I confide in him my real fears, about the lack of privacy and the way R’s daughter views clients as “that bitch”…he’s going to side with professional with no mental history and I am gonna look like a paranoid freak. And in this tiny town even an anonymous complaint would come back to me…I feel trapped.

On the plus side…Having heat is a wondermous thing. Not even needing a blanket in the morning, getting dressed without shivering…I haven’t worked up to a shower since Friday but…Oh, and for the first time ever (in part to the Liheap grant) my power bill for the month is under $130.

What petrifies me is next  month, which will be due in March…Right at the same time I will need $105 to put a sticker on my car.

So much for a short post.

Anyway…that’s where I am today. I will leave you with this wonderful Medusa portrait my daughter drew for me.

medusasteinbieIt’s never too early to teach about Greek gods, right?


Feeling Better

I have happy Sandra Boynton music on the stereo and friends over so I am feeling much more cheerful thus far.  I’m still a little sad but trying to move on.  What I do not want to do is slip down over all of this.  Even though I seem to have lost a friendship, It’s not worth that

Had a funny thing happen to me reading my classwork yesterday.  I read the first essay for the three that were assigned and got to the second and third and realized I had already read them both in another book series I buy.  It was a little startling–I didn’t realize I was THST well-read :).  So I wound up writing about the one that I had not read before so as to challenge myself.  We will see what comments come across as people respond.

I’ve gotten more reading done since I quit Facebooking.  I’m about to finish a book I’ve been reading since the middle of last year and have several more that I plan to get to now that I will have more time.

I plan to take Friday to do some serious cleaning up in the kitchen and laundry room and maybe prepare Rachel for cleaning out her room instead of cleaning it up.  We will

I’ve finished my piece for nonfiction workshop that I will turn in the first week of February,  A little over 1000 words so it’s a good piece to start out with.

Hope everyone has a good Tuesday!



The Disappearing Blog Entry


So I got up to write in my blog today. The draft was totally gone! I have no idea what happened to it.

I have a hangover today from drinking too much wine at dinner last night. So I didn’t go to church. So now I feel like I have already failed at this week. It’s just not going the way it could.

I feel sort of overwhelmed and a bit down. But that’s probably the hangover.

We’ll have to see how the rest of the day goes. I plan to just survive.


Watched some football, argued with my kids, and rested. Took a Klonopin to get rid of some anxiety. Sent out a couple of texts to see if a few of my friends have time to get together.

I thought maybe some of my friends could see me by meeting me at my house or somewhere else and taking a walk. After we walk we could have some coffee or whatever. It might be better than always eating out.

My CBT therapist is working on exposure therapy for my driving/ riding anxiety. She had me make a 0-10 scale of how scared I was of various things. For example: Level 0 is driving around the block, in the neighborhood, and riding with husband on short trips. Level 10 is driving to another town outside of the metro area and riding on single lane freeways. My levels also involve various levels of parking, driving at night, and driving in the rain. I figure I am sort of on Level 3 or 4 in my list. But I go back and forth between levels. I need to keep practicing and moving up a level or so.

I mean, honestly, I really never have to drive to another town. I don’t need to ride on single lane freeways. So Level 10 is sort of unnecessary.

I am WAY too caught up in my kids’ lives. I feel anxious every time they have a problem and I feel like everything is my fault. Especially regarding my daughter who has bipolar and my youngest who has depression. I blame myself for their illnesses, but as a doctor reminded me….”hey, you got it from your parents, how could you have known your kids would get it?” I truly had no clue what was wrong with me when I had kids. And I’m not sure I would have figured out a lot of it was genetic. I am lucky that my middle son seems to be fine.

I don’t know what to think about the genetic thing. I can’t imagine my kids not existing, but I hate for them to have this and suffer. I just don’t know. And I do have hope that treatments and meds will get better and bipolar will be handled much better in the near future.


I feel “funny” today. Just struggling to get going.

I found a couple of friends really willing to go out on Wednesday. One is a guy friend from high school. He and I have a tradition of eating a piece of pie and coffee when we get together. The other friend is one who I met at NAMI. She has MDD (major depressive disorder), so she totally understands how I feel.

I just have to get myself together to actually GO on Wednesday and not cancel.

If I can bitch and moan a bit, I am just so sick of being “sick”. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of trying so hard to do everything to get and keep my life together. I am tired of trying to lose weight. I am tired of trying to exercise. I am tired of trying to hold everyone else’s emotional life together in this family. I just want to take off and disappear.


I am feeling better. Got my nails done and tried to do some re-covering of a bench. Need different upholstery tacks.

Had a weird deal with WordPress today. They somehow charged me $30 for a “premium” blog. I don’t need a premium blog. So I messed around and canceled the $30. So that is good. But a lot of my format colors have changed. Don’t know what this all means but will figure it out. In the meantime, I am going with the flow.

Don’t have a huge day tomorrow. I have my support phone call with my friend. Then I need a shower. Then I want to do an errand or two. Then bipolar support group. Finally a dinner with my kids’ cousins who are from out of state. I guess when you write it out, it does sort of look like a lot.


Up for my morning support call. Doing okay so far. Dog is snoring!

I switched my errands to another day. So I’ve basically got to get a shower, go to bipolar group, and then this family dinner. I can rest in there and survive.

Hope all of you are having a peaceful week.


Guest Post – Sorry To Push You Away!

Not all mental illness is JUST about mental illness. I am one of the “lucky” people who gets to deal with physical pain and other symptoms as well as depression, bipolar, anxiety, etc. Lisa Finks of “Pain, Hope, Love” talks … Continue reading

Guest Post – 6 Reasons I Masked My Depression For Years

Talking about mental illness is a two-way street. Those who have no experience with it need to talk to become informed. But those of us with any variety of conditions tend to stray away from the subject as well. Nikki … Continue reading

Work really

I have decided not to be who I really am at work anymore. My manager/friend really made me feel like nothing at work. If I even try a little nothing I do will matter, no one will take notice, and it’s “apart of my job anyway”

Ha! Well I’m secretly planning my escape but it’s going to be kind of hard considering my car just broke down today …