Julie Ryan is not only a well read and respected blogger, she is also the brains behind Chronic Illness Bloggers Network. Today I am featuring a paper she wrote for an Experimental Psychology class on stigma. You can see the … Continue reading 
I am not going to get into the long running debate in the DSM and psychiatric world about whether multiple personality disorder (AKA Dissociated Identity Disorder) exists. There is evidence to prove that it does, but there’s also a ton of people who fake it for their own agenda.
What this post is truly about is the never changing shifts of bipolar disorder and how it affects our personalities, behaviors, thoughts, functionality.
Last week I was suffering from my usual 7-10 days of PMS from Hell, aka, menstrual dysphoria, and my mind just went to this whacko place like it did when I was preggo and unmedicated. I was consumed by depression and a sense of being overwhelmed and hobbled. I saw people as threats, allowed their idiosyncrasies (even if rude and without empathy) to grate on my nerves to the point I saw them as villains out to emotionally eviscerate me. (Isn’t estrogen fun??? Men should have some more of it then they’d stop making jokes about pms and periods!)
This week, shark week arrived and while the cramps and back pain were agonizing…My mind cleared and while depressive sluggishness tugs me down still…I am seeing things more clearly, with less terror and paranoia. I am functioning, albeit it only because I have no choice, but also…I am not feeling that all consuming resentment for having to functional even minimally. (Though today’s forced trip to Wal-Mart was deeply resented and with cause, cos, um, people are maniacs and the place always leaves me overheated and anxious.)
It amazes me how every month I become an entirely different person for 7-10 days. Throw in bipolar and anxiety disorder on top of it…I’m never entirely sure who I am. Thus why I was so comfortable with the former therapists classifying me as “personality disorder otherwise not specified.” I am fucked up, for sure, but I never saw myself as having flaws of that nature without good explanations of how I came to be/see that way.
Suddenly, 20 years into my treatment, “borderline personality disorder” starts getting tossed out. And I do have a problem with that because…I don’t have a problem with rejection, it is pretty much all I have ever known. I am not afraid to be alone. I don’t buy into the monogamy thing cos the second you do, even Prince Charming can’t keep it in his pants yet expects total loyalty from you. I am not a relationship person. I do brief jaunts trying to be in relationships because sure, I get bored, but mostly…Parents and society have programmed me to believe I MUST attempt relationships even if it always makes me miserable and is not what I want.
So if that makes me borderline…so be it. I can only think of two instances where I clearly showed borderline traits and that was at the end of the two relationships in my life where I was so rudely kicked to the curb because my depression was too rough on them. Sure, I cried, I begged them to give me another chance, I wanted to FOLLOW through on one thing in my life rather than give up because it’s too hard. Histrionic? Perhaps. The common denominator, after the histrionics, was ALWAYS, every single time, coming out of the haze and realizing…I am happier on my own. No joke.
My personality seems to ebb and flow with hormones and the endless bipolar up and down cycle, not to mention when the panxiety turns me into a suspicious cornered album thinking people are a threat even when there is no proof of that.
When you are depressed…everything is shit. You don’t care how you look or if you haven’t bathed and smell bad…You don’t care if the sink is full of dirty dishes or your carpet has enough gunk on it to qualify as a health hazard. None of it can touch you in the black abyss of depression when survival is your only goal and it seems more like a curse because death would be easier.
At the same time…hit a manic episode and THE WORLD TRULY IS FULL OF RAINBOW FARTING UNICORNS AND YOU ARE TEN FEET TALL AND BULLETPROOF! Nothing touches you, you are just blissed out and energy flows out of every pore, making you seem like some kind of genius dynamo. You forget your own moral code, you do things that in a clear state of mind you’d find wrong but during mania…ha ha ha, throw caution to the wind, oh, wait, what is caution? Who cares, it’s harshing my mellow, run up the credit card debts! Oh, that guy whose name I don’t even know is looking kinda hot after a few drinks, I should totally do him!
Mania does not know consequence or morality or guilt.
And then…there are the so rare and brief periods of lucidity, when the meds all work and all the stars align and you feel…some semblance of normal and all your faculties work properly. You look back on your slothful depressive periods with disgust. You look back on your manic episodes with a deep sense of shame, embarrassment, and “what the fuck was I thinking???”
So if our lives constantly revolve around this disorder and all its mental distortions…How can our personalities truly be gauged as disordered? Because what makes me feel hurt on Monday might bounce off of me by Friday and leave me puzzled as to why I got my panties in a bunch.
It truly is like having multiple personalities, only you are aware of them and none of them are there to protect you from emotional trauma. They are there to wreak havoc and cause emotional trauma in some form.
I don’t have any illusions about how some of my thinking is indeed distorted due to past traumas and programming. Kinda like my parents staying married 28 years even though they hated each other and fought constantly. Love/hate is imbedded deeply inside me. That’s not bipolar, that is a flaw.
But if distorted thoughts convince me someone is a threat one month…Then the fog lifts a week or two later, leaving me confused as to why I felt the way I did…
It’s just bad code. Genetics as a computer program. Software aka brain wiring corrupt. Operating system Windows M(igraine) E (edition). Constantly crashing, unstable.
People have no problem grasping electronic knowledge, as in one bad part can take the entire item down…Or diabetes where too low or too high blood sugar can alter a person’s behavior. Those things aren’t blamed or labeled disordered.
Why is it so hard for people to grasp that the brain is just as complex as a car and if one short in the circuitry is bad…The entire machine fails to operate to its full potential?
I can’t fix the bipolar and its cycles.
I try to fix what I can with my personality faults. Though my quirks I rather like even if the Douchebag Status Module says it’s a disorder.
It makes you wonder…Is YOUR shrink flawless? Or maybe they have a drinking problem or cheat on their spouse or they use drugs or maybe they’re narcissistic and have a diagnosis of their own? Can we really trust them to judge us when they too are merely human thus fallible?
I have long said…The ONLY way to not have a personality disorder and be a clean slate is to be a newborn.
Anyone who lives a few years will go through things that leave a mark, help form a disorder or distorted thinking or bias.
So I am not gonna focus on my quirks or disorders of personality. My intentions are pure, my dedication to bettering myself is genuine.
If I seem like a different person and it cycles endlessly…
Maybe bipolar disorder really is a thing and it’s high time the ostriches of society take their heads out of the sand and recognize it.
I normally write about bipolar disorder, my experiences, and discuss mental health advocacy issues. However, I have decided to learn more about the other mental illnesses and I have chosen to study and share with my readers about personality disorders.
A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder where you have unhealthy, rigid patterns of thinking, behaving, and functioning. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. Ref1
The types of personality disorders are categorized in three clusters. Cluster A includes those that are odd or eccentric. Cluster B includes those that are dramatic, emotional or erratic. Cluster C includes those that are anxious and fearful. Ref2
Cluster A includes Schizoid, Paranoid, and Schizotypical. Cluster B includes Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic. Cluster C includes Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Schizoid personalities are introverted, withdrawn, solitary, emotionally cold, and distant. interpreting the actions of others as deliberately threatening or demeaning. Paranoid personalities interpret the actions of others as deliberately threatening or demeaning. r. People may have odd or eccentric manners of speaking or dressing. Schizotypical personalities have strange, outlandish or paranoid beliefs and the dress and their speaking and dressing are eccentric. Ref2
Antisocial personalities act out their conflicts and ignore normal rules of social behavior. Borderline personality disorder personalities are unstable in interpersonal relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. They exhibit abrupt and extreme mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, and an unstable and fluctuating self-image. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, are absorbed by fantasies of unlimited success, and seek constant attention. Ref2
Avoidant personalities have long-standing feelings of inadequacy and are extremely sensitive to what others think about them resulting in feeling socially inhibited and inept. Dependent Personalities have a need to be taken care of and a fear of abandonment or separated from friends and family leading to dependent and submissive behaviors causing others to be care givers. People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have a preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental control often causing a lack of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. Ref3
Posted in Read Along
I normally write about bipolar disorder, my experiences, and discuss mental health advocacy issues. However, I have decided to learn more about the other mental illnesses and I have chosen to study and share with my readers about personality disorders.
A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder where you have unhealthy, rigid patterns of thinking, behaving, and functioning. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. Ref1
The types of personality disorders are categorized in three clusters. Cluster A includes those that are odd or eccentric. Cluster B includes those that are dramatic, emotional or erratic. Cluster C includes those that are anxious and fearful. Ref2
Cluster A includes Schizoid, Paranoid, and Schizotypical. Cluster B includes Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic. Cluster C includes Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Schizoid personalities are introverted, withdrawn, solitary, emotionally cold, and distant. interpreting the actions of others as deliberately threatening or demeaning. Paranoid personalities interpret the actions of others as deliberately threatening or demeaning. r. People may have odd or eccentric manners of speaking or dressing. Schizotypical personalities have strange, outlandish or paranoid beliefs and the dress and their speaking and dressing are eccentric. Ref2
Antisocial personalities act out their conflicts and ignore normal rules of social behavior. Borderline personality disorder personalities are unstable in interpersonal relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. They exhibit abrupt and extreme mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, and an unstable and fluctuating self-image. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, are absorbed by fantasies of unlimited success, and seek constant attention. Ref2
Avoidant personalities have long-standing feelings of inadequacy and are extremely sensitive to what others think about them resulting in feeling socially inhibited and inept. Dependent Personalities have a need to be taken care of and a fear of abandonment or separated from friends and family leading to dependent and submissive behaviors causing others to be care givers. People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have a preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental control often causing a lack of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. Ref3
Posted in Read Along
So far a peaceful inauguration here in the United States of America. Hard to believe it’s finally here. We will see how things go. I like the tone taken by all the faith leaders–that God is in control and that we should seek his will for our country. That was refreshing.
I turned in my Carrie Fisher piece for Defying Shadows. I’m going to need to work on it more for my class to make it longer. But it works for what Nichole wanted so far, so I sent it in.
Everyone seems to be getting a slow start in my class–we’re still waiting on some introductions and on a lot of reading responses. But hopefully everyone will get with the program soon. Otherwise it’s going to be a long semester.
I’m trying to stay awake with varying degrees of success. I may not be as recovered from the upper respiratory infection as I would like to be. But I think everything will go well. I have a phone call to make at 3 p.m. for Delta Magazine, so I need to remember that. Then I can write that article.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Posted in Read Along
Its the trust, right
Where things are broken
Where the divide starts
Old voices
Scenarios
Play in your head
I see your shoulders
Shrug
Your face contort
Doubt in your eyes
I want to set you free
Scream and promise
There are no more illusions
This is me
Breaking down walls
Removal of masks
Taking off tap shoes
No more silhouette
But
I’m just as scared
To let you in
As
Let you go
When I was diagnosed with depression, bipolar, and other mental conditions in my 30’s (late 80’s – early 90’s), I felt ostracized in every part of my life. My family was clearly embarrassed. My parents and older sister only saw … Continue reading 
i told my son tonight that i wont be like my mother. i wont tell him im going to stop and not stop. drug aren’t good for me. not good for my son…
no hard drugs – pleeaassseee but marijuana. im still using this drug mindlessly becsuse i think i need it. i dont need it anymore. i dont need my mind to float i need it to stay and look at my son.
look at my life.
i have been feeling really powerless lately. been crying and laughing really weirdly.
how did i end up exactly at the same spot i was?
because i never really did shit.
hello again. my name is OHTEMP, and this is Bipolar, Employed & STILL LOST.
I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.
Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.
Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page. Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.
Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.
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