On January 25, 2016, Bell Canada, a telecommunications company, is promoting it’s “Let’s Talk” campaigns to raise awareness and funds to start the conversation and end the stigma of mental illness in our country. They have enlisted the help of several … Continue reading 
Weird title, eh? Well, this is likely to be a pointless rant full of venomous swearing for a multitude of thinks irking me (it is shark week, after all, am I expected to be pleasant?). Bail out or settle in and read. Whatevs. (Gotta stop watching The Middle, I sound like Axel.)
Last week was semi shut down week. R was chomping on my ankles with text messages and I…kinda lost it. Fortunately, my rage actually motivated me last Monday and I…did housework and rearranged the living room a bit. Then Tuesday and Wednesday I went belly up and had to vegetate. All the while texting chihuahua continues to gnaw and I have to get snarky and text, “Clinical isn’t like the flu, you don’t get better in a day or two!” Unbelievable that I can point blank say, I am not doing well, I need time and space to sort my head…And be totally ignored.
Thursday I braved an early morning trip to Wal-mart THEN the big kicker…Called the landlord about having the duct work fixed, Again. (This is hard for me as I fear asking for repairs will get us evicted and also, I hate having people in my safe bubble judging my shit housekeeping.)I don’t understand how the cats rip it apart inside and out, maybe they’re secretly sabretooths or something. To my surprised, a maintenance man was dispatched and he spent seven hours coming and going, climbing under the trailer and reattaching five different spots. Didn’t I just have that done last year when a benevolent soul enabled me with the ability to do so without bugging slumlord? Sabretooth cats indeed.
At that time, the furnace was working. I thought, wrongly, that the duct work would fix it. The guy said Friday they’d come reinstall the insulation the cats ripped out. That didn’t happen. What did happen is over the weekend, the furnace totally stopped putting out warm air. Kicked on, did not blow warmth. So Spook and I became icicles and were wearing gloves indoors, waiting for Monday to call slumlord and beg for it to be fixed. IT SUCKED. Going to bed at 8 p.m. just so you can get under warm covers blows goats.
So Monday…I find out the furnace needs a new main board. It just had one two years ago, wtf? Oh, and they couldn’t get one til the next day. To slumlord’s credit, he did have a maintenance guy bring over this sweeet electric heater, digital everything and it helped thaw us out. We were able to shower without being miserable.
Unfortunately, the chihuahua beckoned after 9 p.m., which pretty much resulted in me waking every two hours with anxiety attacks. I don’t like the expectations hanging over my head when the simple act of showering is a feat. The man does not get it and nothing I say conveys this. But at least I got a week away from him and that stupid shop, minus the nagging texts five out of seven days. When I am stable, it doesn’t keep me awake so much. Right now, as positive as the Wellbutrin seems to be effecting me, I am not stable and thus…every little thing looms overhead.
Didn’t help I had my kid home 24-7 for three days complaining about every tiny thing and last night was no exception. She woke to complain about a booboo on her leg. She woke to tell me about Shopkins. She woke howling in pain from her cavity ridden tooth which wasn’t repaired due to her attacking the dentist and getting thrown out. I was awake every hour on the hour, and I was so disgusted, I tossed out sleep and got up to seethe and chain smoke.
Once she was dispatched at school…And I had a panic attack cos the car was running weird and I was worried I’d run it out of some vital fluid or some new expense was coming then it occurred to me the choke was probably stuck and it was flooding itself, nothing more…I took my meds (how can people get hooked on pills and consider it a plus? I LOATHE taking all these fucking pills every single day and I don’t even get a high, just side effects like gaining a gazillion pounds which my current doctor insists is NOT caused by my meds.) I figured I’d be waiting all day for the repair guy so I tossed and turned awhile under warm blankies…and no sooner than I drifted off, he arrived. Twenty minutes later the furnace was blowing out warm air and I actually hugged the man even though he was just doing his job. You underestimate the importance of heat until you don’t have any and find yourself sitting indoors wearing gloves.
I killed a little time watching season three of gay vampire show The Lair (campy but kinda fun if you ignore the fact EVERY man in it is gay and all women seem to have been exterminated.) Then I figured I’d rip the bandage off and go to the shop for a few mins as His Highness requested. So I did and as it turned out…He didn’t need anything. He just can’t stand to be alone. Yet the month wifey was home for Xmas break, I barely heard a word from him. Worse than being ignored is merely being utilized because the interesting people are busy. (Counselor used to call that a borderline personality view, but if it happens enough by several people…you get the hint.)
He invited himself over tonight. I am in pain and moody due to shark week but I wasn’t in the mood for his fight baiting, “Oh, you want me to do things for you but you tell me to piss off?” Because “I’m not feeling up to company tonight” is TOTALLY the definition of piss off. Cockweasel goatwhore.
Now I sit dreading “company” which apparently the rest of the world considers a wondermous thing. Well, in my current mind frame, I do NOT. This is prime time for me to alienate people, unintentionally, because my ADD brain has enough trouble censoring it’s impulsive remarks…Throw in deep depression and hormones and it’s almost a given I will piss someone off. So I have learned to isolate myself when at my very worst and avoid burning bridges except *some* people just won’t accept that being alone is healthy for me. Nooo, they need company thus I MUST, as well. Then when I piss them off, I have to deal with the fallout.
What the actual fuck.
In other news that freaks me out…My sister’s friend has a 9 year old son who goes to school in town and he apparently punched his teacher the other day because she wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom. He was ARRESTED. They had to BAIL OUT A NINE YEAR OLD FROM JAIL! This draconian bathroom policy the school district has needs to be challenged. In fact, since my kid ended up in agony and in an ER from training herself to hold in bodily functions, I should sue their asses.
You may ask, well, Morgue, what doesn’t piss you off?
Whether used on clowns or zombies..or wives…THIS DUDE’S CREATIVITY ROCKS THE FUCKING CASBAH!
And if you really, really, really need something bright and stupid to make my post worthwhile…Stick these where the sun don’t shine.
Courgetti crisis: why the vegetable shortage will eat clean-eaters hardest
A primer on the effects of dependence upon imported staple foods; and why the English will be needing their dentists more than ever.
Posted in Read Along
Dear Readers, I have been struggling with something for awhile now, trying to figure out what is best for me, for you, and ultimately “Being Lydia” the blog. I am working on product reviews to help my fellow chronic illness … Continue reading 
I just feel physically ill today. My cough has come back, I ache, and I’m chilled inside the house. SO I’ve set up a doctor’s appointment and will see if I am really sick or what. I took my temp and it was fine so I’m not sure about that.
I started the day off okay–I thought maybe the ache was from my work out, but it hasn’t gone away like it normally does. SO I put on a big fluffy robe to help with being chilled and have a nest fixed up on the couch to sleep in.
I’ve been sleeping on and off since then so not much to tell. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow since classes start then. Don’t know of anything else exciting going on.
Posted in Read Along
Truly a voice from the darkness.
On a cold, wintery day in NYC, I drove my wheelchair from my law office in the financial district to Beth Israel in Union Square. Frozen to the core and in tremendous facial pain from the cold wind striking my face, I entered the waiting room of the pain management clinic. On a break from work, I arrived in my typical designer suit and shoes, but out of the remaining twenty patients, only one other patient even resembled me. The waiting room was filled with typical looking addicts waiting in line for their next fix. Their hair was uncombed, their bodies and clothes were filthy, their bodies exposed from immodest clothing, and their voices were loud and agitated. My chest tightened with anxiety and fear. Is this how I, too, would end up?
The nurse called my name, and I followed her to the examination room with baited breath in…
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Posted in Read Along
Just wanted to let you know I have been working on a memoir called “Bipolar Disorder, My Biggest Competitor.” The day is getting closer, but I still have lots of work to do. I will keep you updated when it is finished. I am looking for a Mental Health Awareness Month launch date!
The story will really highlight lots of injustices those with mental illness deal with. I am hoping the book will give a voice to many people who often don’t have one.
So…stay tuned for more updates! 
Posted in Read Along
Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!! By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????) He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you). So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day! Kind of inspires me to fight for my life! What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?
I used to be scrappy, I think. And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass. I don’t know. All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit! Am I scared? FUCK YEAH. Am I going to do it anyway? FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH. So yeah here comes a class.
Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM! Here I am! In my own home!! Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!! With my stuff!!! And my space! No one to fuck with my serenity!!! Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that. And I have to say, I am grateful. I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive. But this is a hell of a positive outcome. How does this happen?? I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable. I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace. I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.
I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game! When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”. And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her! And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this! For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise! Woo. I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for. I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes. Because I don’t think I am. But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling! I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk. I don’t know. I’d appreciate some opinions.
By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”. Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing. So I’m sorry for my lack of presence. Hope you all are doing well. BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!
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