Daily Archives: January 16, 2017

Day Off

The kids have the day off of school and so they are out with their grandparents watching “Sing”.  I am here working–I called my interview for Delta Magazine this morning and just set up a time to interview someone for my story for Creative Nonfiction.  I have laundry going and meat out for tonight’s dinner, so I am kind of feeling on top of the game this morning.

I finished The Princess Diarist this weekend, Carrie Fisher’s other book.  I get the feeling the information I am looking for is in Shockaholic, her second memoir, which I can’t find a copy of.  But I will do the best I can with what I have for the post for Defying Shadows.

I’ve decided to stop living in fear of bipolar disorder.  I’m going to start living my life to the fullest and see if I can’t accomplish something with it.  I’m tired of waking up being scared that Ihis is the day that I’ll lose my remission.  I mean to start living like a normal person as best as I can,  I plan to document that kind of life on the blog as well..  But I can’t keep aiming a gun around corners looking for bipolar disorder to pounce.  That’s no kind of life, either.

SO pray for me as I attempt to do this.  Thanks for listening.





Music Monday – “What Faith Can Do”

“It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason For someone not to try” Yesterday I wrote a post on finding joy in trials which leads to perseverance. I meant to add this song … Continue reading

Anxiety Tune In


I thought I would write this week about my experiences with anxiety and how it affects my daily life.

I am feeling much better overall. I am getting around and doing things. I am feeling “mildly elevated” but not hypomanic.

I am seeing a therapist for my anxiety. We are working on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). My four basic anxieties areas are: 1) health/ doctor anxiety (routine screening tests, waiting for results, dealing with specialists 2) hunger/ weight anxiety 3) kids being healthy and happy (feel anxious in general about kids) 4) driving/ riding in the car anxiety.

So this week I will give you my daily activities based on my anxiety areas.


Drove to a walking path area to walk 40 minutes. Drove home. So decent on the driving. So far have not eaten anything off my liquid diet, but it is only noon. No doctor issues right now. Dealing with kids: daughter still needs to meet a guy (she is 28), and still dealing with Danny. Danny has been cheerful the last couple of days. College has started for him and he seems interested in his first class anyway. He sees psychiatrist again on Thursday and therapist on Friday.

I am feeling much better in general. Am getting up and doing what I am supposed to do. Have a bit of confidence that I will wake up with no depression. I tire easily, but believe the stamina will come as I feel better and exercise a bit more. I am working on fixing up the bedroom. It is looking good.


Woke up at 4 with serious headache. May just stay in bed today. Only things I will miss is yoga and getting my nails done. Those can wait.

Little anxiety today. DO need to get weighed in and get back on the diet. Eating much more than I should and am not “sitting” with hunger. I need to learn I will not die if I am hungry for an hour or so.

Had a good bipolar support meeting yesterday. Leader will be gone next week, so I am coming up with some discussion questions in case we run out of things to talk about.

Daughter is talking to a nice guy and Danny seems to feel good. Even though I have a headache, today is decent so far.

Update: Mutually cancelled lunch with a friend tomorrow. She is sick and I am afraid to drive to lunch. My husband cannot drive me as he has another activity. So my anxiety sort of affected this social meeting. We’ll reschedule when husband can ride with me while I drive.


Oh, wow! Another day down. Not depressed….just struggling to get going. A little anxious about Danny as he will be playing at a concert tonight and won’t be home till really late.

I plan on just not going anywhere today. Will skip yoga and try to get myself together. Tomorrow I “have” to get going. I have two therapist’s appointments and a date with a friend for happy hour. I am working on laundry today and plan on a few small chores.

No big anxiety today, except for Danny being out late and me eating too much and blowing my food plan.


Danny plans to take Uber both ways tonight so he can drink. Relief there. He also went to the psychiatrist again today and made another appointment for next week. He is mad at her, though, because she keeps “pushing” meds on him. He totally needs them.


Just don’t know what to say about today. It worked out weird…I wound up seeing both therapists this morning. My CBT therapist told me to fight my depression harder and not lay down. My regular therapist told me I am doing an awful lot and that taking a break for a while was totally fine. I’m so exhausted I am taking a break. Bipolar can suck it all right out of you.

I feel less anxiety about Danny. He says he has no anxiety about college (for the first time). He is busy with his music group. He also saw the therapist today and he seemed happy to go see her.

I am starting to really want to go to my bipolar group, but not my women’s support group. I hate the driving and am tired at that time of the day. Don’t know what will happen there.

It’s 2:30 and I am down for the day. Not good but it’s what I can do.


Slept pretty well last night. No depression, but still feel tired and overwhelmed. Main things to do today? Take a walk and get a shower for church tomorrow. I also need to make a menu and get a grocery list together for this week.

I think I need to stay “down” today and get some rest. Hopefully, I can hit things again next week.

I’m a little frustrated at how well I felt in the beginning of the week and how crappy I feel now.


Feel sort of baseline today, but got my butt up and went to church. Then I stopped to see my uncle in a nursing home. Finished it off with a bit of shopping for some knick knack type things to freshen up the living room. The living room and our bedroom are definitely looking a lot better. I just keep thinking this is good in case I get “down” again.

Had some anxiety riding to church but not bad. Tomorrow is my women’s support group and I am going to try to force myself to drive there. It’s not very far and I can take mostly side streets.

Tomorrow I go in to get weighed. I know I have gained a few pounds over Christmas. However, my uncle commented that I looked like I had really lost weight, so that is good. Whatever I weigh, I will just start up again and hope to get some more off.

A friend texted me today and wanted to get together. I told her to try me next week as I was having a tough few days and just needed some time off from life. I figure this is better than cancelling on her later.


Did not sleep well last night. Was awake from 11:30 to 4. Not good. I need to go to the diet doctor this morning. Plan on resting and possible going to women’s group later.

I am looking forward to inauguration day and the parade. I don’t know about the politics of this year, but I like historical events. We’ll see how it goes.

have a good week,


Reblog – A Look At Depression Through My Eyes

As we draw closer to “Bell Let’s Talk” Day on January 25th, I plan to share posts from other Mental Health bloggers as well as some of my new and old ones. Mental illness is very widespread, and unfortunately so … Continue reading

When Your Celebrities…Aren’t

I’ve covered in other posts like this one that my husband loves grouse hunting, and most people have no idea what that is.

Today he was listening to a podcast about grouse (because that is apparently a real podcast topic, people).  He got super excited and said, “Hazel!  You would not believe who this guy got as a guest speaker on his podcast show!  It’s a huge celebrity!”

I could not for the life of me think of a “huge celebrity” who has ever expressed a modicum of interest in upland bird hunting.  Well, I’m pretty sure the British royal family bird hunts in Scotland or something, but I sincerely doubted the QUEEN was a guest speaker on this dude’s podcast.  So I said, “Who, Andy?  Who’s the huge celebrity?”

His eyes got wide with excitement as he said, “The senior adviser to Dogtra!”

I said, “Wow!  That’s amazing!” because clearly that was the only appropriate response to that revelation.  In my head, however, I said, “Note to self: Google ‘Dogtra.’  Or did he say ‘Dogstra’?  Crap, I already forgot.  Figure this out.”

So then I Googled “dogtra” when he wasn’t looking, and I found pictures like this.  I’m still not sure what the company does.  Is that a shock collar?  Is it a GPS collar?  Is it something else totally different?  MY HUSBAND HAS THE WEIRDEST HOBBY.


While looking at these pictures, I found myself thinking, “What does this senior adviser even do?  Does he advise on collar design?  Marketing?  Field testing these things on actual dogs?  What is this company, and why is this man a huge celebrity in the grouse hunting world?”

Then eventually I gave up because I think this is one of those things that my husband loves, but try as I might I don’t think I’m ever going to fully get it.  I don’t have to get it to be pumped that my husband heard a great podcast from the senior adviser to Dogrta!  I can probably get you the link if you want it.  This is clearly a big deal.