Daily Archives: January 9, 2017

The Zoo



Well, a minor victory today! We went to the zoo. The weather was cool, but not freezing and lots of the animals were out. It was a nice time. My favorite animals were the giraffe, leopard, and flamingos. I also really enjoyed riding the “safari train”.

The victory part was that I kept up. I walked along with everyone else and no one knew I had any problems. I did get tired, but just kept going. We were there three hours. Then we went to a restaurant and had a late lunch. I came home and promptly fell asleep. I did a good job. This was a good example of my goal for this year of having more “adventures”.

Tomorrow I am having breakfast with two friends. It’s really close, so I can drive there alone. The only other thing I have going is hopefully yoga at 2.


Woke up at two and took a Klonopin to go back to sleep. Slept pretty fitfully. Was excited and very willing to go meet with two good friends from my teaching days. We sat and talked for two hours. I felt like I looked pretty good and held my own without getting too tired.

I’m a little shaky and nervous today and am not sure why. My husband is in a bad mood, which is unusual for him. He doesn’t yell or anything, he is just snippy. I also get sort of nervous with Danny around. I never know if he is going to blow up. He sees a new psychiatrist tomorrow morning and we will have to see how that goes.

I think I know what is wrong with my husband. He is really a clutterbug and since I have been sick, things have stacked up. I decided to refresh the bedroom a bit and this means his piles of books and his rock collection which has expanded in there will have to go somewhere else. He seriously thinks his stuff  is so important that it can go anywhere. He already has a full loft and bedroom, not to mention closets, full of rocks, comics, books, baseball cards, coins, stamps, you name it. Now that I feel better I want some space. He’s not crazy about that.

Planning to go to yoga in an hour or so. Need a shower tonight and that is it. Tomorrow have an appointment with my “regular” therapist (not the CBT one) and another yoga class. Not feeling depressed, just shaky, nervous, and wobbly.


Well, Danny and his dad just left to see the new psychiatrist. This is the same new one I see. She is the only one we could get him into fairly fast. We have another appointment for him in February with another doctor if this one doesn’t work out.

I am feeling better but not “happy”. I am feeling able to go to my activities and do stuff at home, but I feel a little overwhelmed. I am not depressed. I have found I can basically handle the day if I only look at THAT day and if I only look at a couple of things at one time. If I look ahead on the calendar, I just want to crawl on the couch.

I still don’t like walking on eggshells around Danny. I sure wish he had a friend with an extra room or somewhere else to live. But we have investigated everything and right now he is stuck here. He was seeing a therapist and that was really helping, but now he has stopped. I need to somehow get him to go back. But he is 22 and it’s hard to get him to do anything.

I have a lot to be grateful for, but I just look on the negative side. I do think of three things every day that I am thankful for, but I don’t know how else to be thankful.


Danny saw the new psychiatrist and liked her pretty well, but she wants him to go on Lexapro and he is against meds. My husband sat in on the whole session and said the doctor was very patient and understanding about the med issue. Danny is seeing her again next Thursday. Next Friday he is seeing the therapist. So we have him on track with doctors. He is definitely depressed and the doctor agrees, but does not think it is bipolar.

We all sort of hope he’ll somehow be convinced that he should give the meds a try. I worry night and day about him. I am so tired of it. I wish he would try the damn meds.


Sort of a weird day. Don’t feel depressed but feel overwhelmed. Cancelled a date with a friend this afternoon. Also not doing a couple of small household chores. Back on the couch.

I did deal with a person this morning who came out to measure our counter tops. We are considering putting granite in. Ours are 20 years old, but in really good shape, but we’d sort of like a face lift. But man, it will be pricey.

Danny went to a concert last night and came in about 4am. So he will sleep all day. It gives me security to know he is safe and busy sleeping. But college starts Monday and we need to settle on a time to be in the house on school nights. His classes don’t start before 10:30 and he has nothing on Friday. I think that gives him plenty of time to go to concerts and be out late.


Feeling in a decent mood so far. Plan on going to a movie with husband and daughter and then out to look for a couple of things to set around the living room and bedroom. I sort of purged some junk out of those rooms that I was sick of looking at. I got the new comforter for our room and it looks great.


Did go to movie, shopping, got a burger, and did a bit more shopping. Came home and slept hard for a couple of hours. Don’t have a lot of stamina. Plan on church tomorrow and then working in the bedroom a little bit.


Did not go to church this morning. Felt like I could have gone, but made the CHOICE not to go. Just not in the mood. Got the bed made up with the new dust ruffle and comforter. Husband is really getting into fixing up bedroom a little. He is helping move stuff around and purging some of his stuff.

I packed up my sewing machine and quilting stuff to get it out of the bedroom. I can easily get it out again when (if) I feel like quilting. But I am ready to move on to a more active hobby.

Took a bunch of pictures at the zoo and plan to frame them in black and white and arrange them on the wall. This is about the extent of my ability to do any fancy decorating.

A note about showers: if you’ve been with me a long time, you’ll remember how tough it was for me to shower. Well, I am doing it now. I take a shower and wash my hair every other day. I just let my hair air dry to avoid the hassle of the blow dryer. This shower thing is definitely a victory.

I’m not saying things are great, but I think overall they are looking up. I’m not fooling myself…I know it is likely I will get depressed at some point, but at least I am getting stuff done while I can.

Still suffering from anxiety: About the safety of the kids, health anxiety, driving and riding in cars, and losing weight/ hunger. Working with a CBT therapist on this. Will probably write on anxiety next week.


Had quite a night last night. Was having chest pain that wouldn’t go away about 8:00pm. Had some of this last week also. Decided to get it checked out at the ER. Felt a little “dumb” about it, but my dad died of a heart attack at 57, so you never know. They did two EKG’s, a bunch of blood work, and an x-ray. I have a stress test coming up in the next day or so. They couldn’t have been nicer. I think now it is all nothing, but honestly am glad I went in. But we were there till 2am, so am pretty worn out this morning.

Hope you have a good week! I am feeling pretty good emotionally- no depression.


Slow Moving Human

Know how you get those orange triangles warning “slow moving vehicle” on roads? I feel like mine should say “slow moving human”.

I am not a whirlwind. I move at go and stop pace. Even dishes are done in increments. Cups and silverware. Pause. Bowls and plates. Pause. Pans and etc. Pause. Wipe counter. Pause.

For the rest of the world this seems lackadaisical, if not lazy. It is the only way I know how to function, outside a manic episode.

Depressions make it much worse.

I vegetated all weekend under covers, piddling about to feed the cats and kids, run a load of laundry thru. Cook something. Mostly I looked forward to just going to sleep under the warmth of Fort Blankie.

Today..I have attempted functionality in between my continued binge of Person Of Interest. I have a load in the washer. I need a shower cos god, I don’t remember the last time I did. I need to wash dishes, cos every cup we own is dirty and it’s my kid doing it, I drink out of the same cup for weeks at a time (I do wash it.) This must be a genetic coding thing because the donor did the same thing, using ten cups a day rather than just rinsing the same one. Trigger. Which is weird considering my slovenly nature but I despise doing dishes and giving me more to wash pisses me off. It has its own sense.

I am still having trouble with this laptop. It gave me gray screen today, but I let it warm up and was able to boot finally. Only to return from dropping my kid at school and find the cats had walked on the keyboard and now…the touch pad does not work. WTF? Thankfully, I have a wireless mouse I am using but I’d like to know what shortcut those furry devils hit the make the pad stop working. It’s not shut off, according to settings. Maybe I am just a computer hex. No, cos all my desktops last ten years or more. I am apparently only the kiss of death to laptops, which just proves…they are wussies.

In addition to my kid’s normal screeching about having to get up for school (right there with ya, kiddo, but I ain’t going to jail so we can sleep in)…she told me the devil girls have been ignoring her even at school and she has no friends there or here in the trailer hood. I tried to explain, people don’t let their kids out in single digit temps, but come warm weather, she will have her yard full of miscreant friends back. I even tried to convince her to become more comfortable with her own company, that way when her friends aren’t around she is still enjoying herself and then when they are around, it’s just that much more fun.

Yeah, prolly not gonna sell that to a 7 year old.

Makes me mad I can’t just go to her school and lecture all the little snotballs about being nice all the time and not just ditching a good friend cos there’s a better one at school.

Again, not gonna be bought by a bunch of miscreant children.

I am concerned with Spook’s obsession with being popular. That wasn’t the sort of thing I even pondered til 5th grade and here she is in second, talking about how other girls have boyfriends and are dating. What the hell have I done, raising a child in this putrid day and age? And poor kid, getting social advice from a social misfit like me…

Thus far, I’ve noticed zero bad side effects from the Wellbutrin. Friday when I went in and kissed the texting chihuahua’s ring, I was there grudgingly, but must admit…I got shit done. And actually found my brain grasping numbers and remembering better. That’s placebo, I am sure, as doubtful 2 doses would have such a whirlwind effect. Ghoul can dream right?

In spite of my every intention to tell R to go fuck off…He was on his best behavior (no doubt Mrs R’s doing) so I didn’t.

Mind you, I am not seeking his approval or validation. My old counselor told me I might just have to accept I won’t get what I need out of this friendship. I can deal with that.

At the same time…if he is going to treat me like some indentured servant as if he employees me and actually pays me…I should have every right to say “I don’t feel well today”, without elaborating and it not start a shit storm.

And yes, I am stubborn and I complain incessantly, but it seems stupid that a friendship puts you in a corner where your only options are to serve your sentence or implode the relationship entirely. THAT is what I am fighting against.

Maybe it’s the fight that keeps me going. Maybe I just don’t wanna burn bridges right now as I am…off my nut.

One thing is for sure…If the people around me can’t handle a slow moving human…there will be an abundance of disappointment because…this is where I am right now.

Workout Day One

So I went and worked out this morning. All I did was ride a bike machine, but I rode for a mile and a half and I think that’s a good start from not exercising at all for so long.  I hope to do this every school morning and see if I can start losing the weight. I went to a 24-hour gym and glad not many people were there.

Had an icy weekend with ice still on the roads. It never went above freezing as far as temperature although the sun did dry a lot of places up since it shone all weekend.   But today is supposed to be fifty degrees and tomorrow  is supposed to be seventy!  Schizophrenic weather here.

Got a note from Delta Magazine–they want me to do a piece for the March/April issue.  So I am waiting on a call from them and will see what kind of deadline it has, etc.  I hope I can do this.

I feel really good today. Hopefully it is the exercise and everything else.  I don’t have a lot to do today so hopefully I can stay out from sleeping.


Reblog – Just Saying 08.01

Originally posted on Blog of a Mad Black Woman:
God, if I can’t have what I want, let me want what I have. ~ Unknown

Top Reads of 2016

Last year I failed to complete my Goodreads challenge.  In 2015, my goal was 48 books, or 4 per month.  I bumped it up to 52 books for 2016, thinking I could manage a book per week.  Perhaps this would have worked out, but I returned to college and some of the books I read […]