Daily Archives: January 5, 2017

Why I Don’t Get A Flu Shot

First of all, I have posted a lot reblogs over the last few days. I have been under the weather and not able to write much. Plus, I reblog because I believe the post is worth sharing. Secondly, this post … Continue reading

Reblog – Just Stop

Originally posted on Picnic with Ants:
My theme for this year.  Just stop. Just Stop and listen to my body more. Just Stop and listen to others. Just Stop and think before doing. Just Stop and think before speaking. Just…

Tahoe Editing, Mount Everest & Adam Ant

Don’t hate Adam Ant because he’s still beautiful…at 56!   Happy New Year, my friends! I’m still in Alpine Meadows in Lake Tahoe for a few more days, and we’ve had a very heavy snowfall. I must admit I prefer to visit here in August when the wildflowers are blooming and I can escape the … Continue reading Tahoe Editing, Mount Everest & Adam Ant

I Struggle to Recover Myself

As I disappear into the abyss of anxiety and panic, my life suffers, my relationships suffer, I suffer, and my blog suffers. I don’t want to be here. I want to stop over thinking everything. I want to stop being a burden of fears upon my loved ones. I want to stop being terrified about my son and burdening him with my fears. I’ve tried Ativan, it worked for me in the past, but did not this time. I’m taking my L-Methylfolate, (see here: https://wordpress.com/post/bipolar1blog.com/3412)

I am taking 1200 mg if Lithium and 250 mg of quietipine. 

I think the L-Methylfolate is helping a bit. 

Letting go of my son and letting him handle his life will be better for him and me. 

There are many reasons I have become an anxious, panic stricken wreck. Or is it only that I’ve developed an anxiety disorder and the reasons are tacked on to it after the fact? I don’t know. I only know I want my peace of mind back. 

6 Ways To Spot the Differences Between ADHD and Bipolar in Children and Teens


Given the similarities between ADHD and Bipolar Disorder in children, it may oftentimes be difficult to distinguish between the two. Here are six general guidelines to spot the differences between the two disorders:
#1. Behavior/Attention vs. Mood
Bipolar disorder affects mood, whereas attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) affects attention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. Children and teens with ADHD typically have problems with cognitive functioning, distractibility and completing tasks/assignments. Bipolar disorder in this age group causes mood swings, which can move from manic (or hypomanic) to depressive lows. An ADHD child is inattentive due to his or her inability to focus on any one thing for a period of time. Conversely, a bipolar child going through a depressive state may be inattentive because he/she has lost any desire to care about the activity.
#2 Irritable Moods vs. Explosive Rage

Children with bipolar experience explosive rage. Different from anger, it is sudden and usually without provocation and can last for hours. It is closer to a seizure than an emotional event in that it is difficult to control. Children and teens with ADHD have temper tantrums and they typically don’t lose touch with reality or destroy property. As well, their angry outbursts are generally short in duration.

#3 Intensity of Moods
In a bipolar child, abnormal moods are intense—either low energy (depression) or high energy (mania). They have a more profound response to life events that can be out of proportion to the event, whereas the reaction to events in the lives of children with ADHD is generally considered expected and in relation to the event and less severe and intense.

#4 Duration of Mood Shifts
Moods for children with ADHD may come and go, and generally they don’t stay in a particular depressed or manic state. Bipolar children, on the other hand, have deep, life-disrupting manic feelings. Depression or mania can last for weeks or longer and these ongoing symptoms can cause significant life problems in key areas i.e. friends, school, at home.

#5 Mania vs. Hyperactivity
In bipolar mania, children and teens can exhibit grandiosity where they believe and insist they are the best in the world at something and then engage in risky behavior because of this. They may also need less sleep than other children. These children usually have racing thoughts, and affected speech. However, instead of grandiosity, children with ADHD are more prone to poor self-esteem due to negative feedback from adults regarding their behavior. They are also energetic when hyper but do not report racing thoughts.

#6 Treatment
A type of antipsychotic medication given to a bipolar child in a manic episode helps lower and even out the child’s energy level. As well, when a bipolar child in a depressive episode is given antidepressant, their mood typically improves after a few weeks and their energy and attention returns. Conversely, a child with ADHD is given a stimulant, which works more quickly than an antidepressant or antipsychotic medication and is able to better focus, with lower energy levels within a few days.

Running Errands

So today has been a day of running errands. My oldest had to go to SSA to apply for a replacement SS card, and the middle one went to get her oil changed and got there late so she has a long wait. I had mercy on her and went and picked her up so she could wait at home.  We’re going to eat out with Bob since the two younger ones go back to school  Monday.

I got up early for once but went back to sleep later.  When I woke up on time I was hoping I had had enough sleep but I guess not.  I finally got motivated to do laundry after going out and getting a coke so I guess I need to start keeping them in the house.  I hope to stick to one per day.

We’re going to the grocery store later and get food for the weekend.  I guess we’ll go after lunch. My parents want to come visit tomorrow but the weather people are predicting snow so they’re not sure what to do. I hope it doesn’t snow; we don’t need it complicating everything.

Please pray that I don’t slip back down into depression. I’d hate to lose out on all the gains I’ve made.


Safe in Jane Austen’s Arms

Thanks to everyone who offered an opinion about whether A Mind Divided stays or goes.  Honestly, I wasn’t fishing for compliments, but holy crow!  They just kept jumping out of the water!  If I thought my ego was gassy before… well…all I can say is somebody better light a candle.

I’m still pondering.  But I also want to keep showing up in a significant way.

As my therapist and I started working through Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manuel for PTSD and Substance Abuse, she suggested I use my art journal to create a sense of safety.  So, this:


While I don’t have the dual diagnosis this book targets, we substitute food for drugs and alcohol sometimes.  I’ve been told Binge Eating Disorder is a completely different mechanism than addiction (that wacky, clever brain!), but sometimes it’s useful to look at how I eat to numb and distract.  Bipolar disorder, Binge eating disorder, trauma, anxiety—they all twirl together in a Regency Allemande.

This actually feels very much like my brain—chaotic, lively, jumbled—with the brooding Mr. Darcy circling the perimeter.  There are worse things than being a Jane Austen novel.

Cold Day In Hell

Okay, technically, I don’t live in the ninth circle of Hell as I like to sarcastically joke. However, the midwest, during winter, is a lot like hell minus the flames and warmth. Sixteen degrees this morning and still I managed to drag my ass out of bed and feed the spawn breakfast and get the car warming up. Not that gloves or any of it helped. I still can’t feel my fingertips.

I am already exhausted.

Though I must admit, if I must wave my rah-rah positive attitude pom poms, today started out better than yesterday.

Yesterday was return to school day after 12 days fo Spawnmas break. UGH. 12 days I at least got to lay in warm fort blankie til 8 a.m. Now we gotta be out the door by 7:45? UGH UGH UGH. Fuck this daywalker shit.

The first thing to go wrong was I opened this laptop and got BLACK SCREEN OF DEATH. Instant panic and what the fuck. I did a hard shut down, restarted, still it was FUBAR. Finally it said an update went awry, did I want to try start up repair. Um…DUH. So while that was going…

I figure I will mosey out, get the car started and defrosting, all that jazz. HA HA HA. After a warmish snap in the forties for a week, it suddenly dropped to ten degrees overnight and ALL FOUR DOORS WERE FROZEN SHUT. Unfortunately, my driver’s side door handle snapped when I went to open it, thus is no half hanging there and occasionally works as it should if I cajole it just the right way. YAYNESS! To fix that the entire door will need to be disassembled by someone who knows how NOT to mess up the wiring to the power windows.

It’s a wonderful life! Not.

I eventually got the passenger front door open by banging my hip against it repeatedly. Crawled in that way. Had the kid ride up front, which is a no no, but we were running way late and besides this old heap doesn’t have airbags. (I really don’t get the coddling of children these days, yes, protect them and all, but kids survived 100s of years in horse drawn buggies and front seats of cars without all this protective gear! Do Amish people have to install seatbelts in their buggies to haul snowflakes around?)

Maybe I am just seething because I made my kid wear gloves today and she screamed DUMMY at me three times. If she’s gonna be rude, I’m not gonna be coddling.

Things with R are in a shit spot right now. The man won’t back off and leave me alone no matter how much I point out my mental state. God knows he points it out enough, I can’t even have a night to tell him  I don’t want company and he accuses me of being pissed off.  Oh, and immature. Which brought me to point out, wait, let me lose at a game of Pac-Man and throw and smash my phone then I can be mature like you! Because, yes, folks, this 54 year old man first smashed an iphone, then a droid, because HE LOST AT ON LINE POKER WITH NO REAL MONEY AT STAKE. And it’s okay because he got mad. Yet no emotion I have is ever real or authentic because I am a histrionic woman and of course, mental and irrational at all times if saying anything he doesn’t agree with or want to hear.

He continued text bullying me last night about coming into the shop today. I told him I already made plans. Then he demanded to know what. I asked him what he needed. He responded with, “Is it too hard? No. Will I buy you lunch and put gas in your car? Yes.” Hmm…Always with the financial side for him. As if depression gives a flying river dancing fuck about money or hygiene or even the will to live. He said come in Friday. I said I’d try but no promises because I tend to be failing at promises these days and I don’t want to make him more irate by failing again. Then he returns with, “we’re cool, just come in and let’s get it done.”

It saddens me to say that this man, who I used to absolutely adore in spite of his “needs its own zip code” ego and self absorption, has not emotionally grown an iota in 20 plus years. He is the same self involved ignorant jackass he always was. If anything, he’s devolved into this misogynist racist asshole. Thus  voting for Trump and all the republican cabinet that basically wants to stick women back in the kitchen birthing babies and cooking dinner.

I just can’t handle it anymore.  His lack of understanding and support are bringing me down which are the last things I need. But even telling him to fuck off does not get him off my back more than a day or so and when he does reach out, it always with absolutely blame on me for being irrational and he is the victim of one more hysterical woman. I think tomorrow I might appear, do his bidding, then present him with a nicely type letter of resignation as his whipping post. Though it’d truly hurt to sever ties with Mrs. R, I really like her. I’d like to think she’d not take sides cos she knows what an ass he is, but she is also so smitten with him and he paints everything his own way…I don’t hold out much hope I’d get impartiality.

In other news…

I saw my shrink Tuesday. And I think I am losing my mind because I am CERTAIN he once told me he would not give Wellbutrin to someone with my level of anxiety as it would worsen it…Now he wants me to try it. WTF? I even brought the up the very magnetic therapy he mentioned last year and now suddenly it’s, oh, there’s no proof it actually works and insurance won’t cover it…

Is it possible I am delusional and making shit up? Makes me want to record every visit because I really don’t think I am so far gone I am making shit up.

He did shock me at one point when he said, “Do not ever feel I am tired of you or giving up on you. I see how you look and are feeling right now and it makes me think of how bad it must be for you to live it.”

EMPATHY? FROM A DOCTOR??? Invasion of the body snatchers?

He went on to say, “You are so smart, I can’t imagine that this is what you want for yourself. You should be working, but you can’t until you are stable.”

Ya think?

At least I know should a disability review arise, he’d be on my side but still…Talk about salt in the wounds. I’ve lately been having dreams about returning to work and excelling yet even in my dreams…I crash and burn. Disability is the only stability I’ve ever had,inasmuch as keeping a roof overhead and the power turned on. Now that I have a kid, it’s more crucial. Betting on my own stability long term is about as stupid as it gets. I know because a few years back I got all cocky during a stable period, started looking for work (no one wanted me, of course) and I was all set to set the world on fire. And then the meds conked and I came crashing down no matter how hard I tried to stick to routine, avoid my old bad behavior, etc. Would working make my self esteem better? Of course. But unless the work pays enough for me to keep a roof overhead AND afford my psych care and meds and I can maintain it long term…self esteem is overrated versus your kid having food.

He brought up therapy again. I tried to explain how the last therapist at that place got me so confused after only two sessions and labeling me borderline when not one other therapist or doctor over 20 plus years agreed I had more than a trait or two in that category. He suggested I attend the group sessions they have for borderline. Um…I wanted a support group for depression/bipolar. It was a clusterfuck trying to tell him this because he thought I was failing to take responsibility for my personality flaws.

And again I didn’t mention how this place had done something to make me feel my confidentiality had been breached, then the whole Ursula (R’s eldest with the psychology degree) working there and me having been witness to her breaking confidentiality and referring to a call back client as “that bitch”. Because in this small town…I can’t even anonymously complain or it’d come right back to me then I would truly be in hell.

Life in a small town can be comfortable, but often…it feels like a perpetual strangle hold, cutting off your air supply.

I guess now I will shut up because this became a very long post but after days and days of not being able to string together a single sentence on the page…I had to spew venom. Get it out.

I will leave on this note. Hulu has a new show starring Hugh Laurie (Dr. House) as a psychiatrist. I watched a couple of episodes and while I wasn’t entirely focused or enthralled…I was moved by one part where the doctor was informed of a former patient’s death. It reeks of truth the entertainment industry often glosses over and society dismisses.

“It is with deep regret I inform you, (former patient) recently lost her battle with depression and took her own life.”

Anyone else find that a beautiful piece of script work because it rings so true in the mental health community?



Sticky Business

Life is full of embarrassing moments.

Like when my son was three, and we were standing in a checkout line.  I was standing, rather, and he was sitting in the cart, getting an eye-full of the other shoppers.

He pointed at the lady behind us in line, and shouted,

“Mama!  Look at that lady’s ENORMOUS breasties!”

I withered away to a mortified crisp, but the lady with the enormous breasties laughed it off, saying she heard that all the time.  (?)

So this time it’s my RV toilet.

RV toilets work differently than regular toilets.  Instead of “things” flushing into a city sewer system or a septic tank, RV human waste gets flushed into a PVC holding tank, where it mingles with whatever chemicals or enzymes one puts down there to digest things into a nasty black liquid.  When your tank gets near full, you dump it down a campsite sewer connection or a dump station.  Yes, your RV also takes a dump!

Well now.  Regular readers will know that I have bleeding guts from Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD).  One of the annoying things about bloody poop is that it’s “difficult to flush away.”

That is to say, it sticks to the toilet.

Unfortunately, it not only sticks to the toilet bowl–I have a much more intimate relationship with my toilet brush than I ever anticipated or wanted–it sticks to the walls of the holding tank as well.  I found that out today.

I’ve been noticing of late that my holding tank has not been dumping very well.  I thought maybe it might be my macerator pump–the thing that grinds up any “solids” that are still hanging around after the chemical treatment.  The macerator grinds everything up and spits it out into the dump hose, to be pumped down the sewer drain.

Yes, lately it has seemed that when I go to dump my tank, not much comes out.  I can’t tell for certain-sure, because the sensors that are supposed to measure the level of gunk in the tank quit working the week after I bought this brand-new unit.  But I’ve noticed that the tank gets full more quickly than it used to, and it takes almost no time to dump before the macerator pump starts making the noises it makes when it’s finished with its job.  Er, duty.  Business.

So I took it to the repair shop, thinking the pump was bad.

As ill luck would have it, the RV repair guys who pulled the unfortunate job of working on my rig had an odious–and no doubt odorous–task to do.

Turns out the macerator pump was fine, but my holding tank was lined with layer after layer of…shit.  My sticky shit.

They washed it and washed it and washed it, but were never able to get the tank clean.  Yes, it’s supposed to get clean!

They quizzed me, with accusing eyes, about chemicals.  Was I one of those crunchy types who thinks all chemicals are bad?

They postulated that perhaps the previous owner had let the tank dry out.  I filled them in: it’s a brand-new RV, I’m the original owner, and I certainly do put the approved chemicals in at the approved times.

I couldn’t make myself explain that I have sticky shit because I have bleeding guts.  It was too much to ask.  I was already shriveling up from embarrassment….no doubt my face looked like a fire-engine-red prune.

So I just prevailed upon them to clean it really well.  I bought a special RV toilet cleaner-outer wand that you attach to a hose, then you stick it down the toilet and it goes whirr, whirr, and allegedly cleans the inside of the tank.

Of all the embarrassing things that have happened so far with this ass problem of mine, I think this one rises to the top.  After this, shitting my drawers in Wal-Mart was not half as mortifying as it was before the Encrusted Crapper fiasco.  A bright side!

Well It’s a New Year

I didn’t make any real resolutions, I merely have decided to try and be better than I was last year. Which of course means holding myself accountable at times which I freaking hate.

I’m only posting because my blog link was sitting there taunting me.

The weed makes me incredibly unmotivated. Even as I write this sighs of frustration leave me at just having to put word to paper so to speak.  That sentence sucks. Oh well it’s gonna keep sucking because I don’t feel like putting a lot of motivation into this… my fingers feel like they are crawling across the keys at the pace of a snail, annoying.

I know that when I write I feel a little better at least when it is finally done. I don’t get a lot of good feelings but accomplishing something always gives me a little burst. This blog will be all I do today. I don’t want to do anything else. meh