Daily Archives: December 20, 2016

A Forever Balancing Act

I’m going to share something that is so counterintuitive my credibility will probably be in question. I had a travel day for work today. It was only a little over an hour away I had to drive to my appointment. It was a beautiful crisp morning. By the time I had to get on the road, all the frost had disappeared in the glistening sun. My iPod was plugged in and I was ready. My impending appointment wasn’t stressful, so my anxiety was rather low.
I live in Northern California in what many people would probably define as a rural area. I was able to travel this distance without getting on the freeway. I took notice of the black, brown and Oreo cows standing on the hillside. I could see reflections in the standing pond water off to the side of the road. I felt the sunshine insulating my car window. Dare I say, I felt at peace.
I’ve been focusing on being grateful. Forging a connection with a higher power. Allowing myself to believe I belong in this world. Just about 4 weeks ago I didn’t believe this and landed in the psychiatric hospital. Just about 4 weeks ago I had a solid plan I was ready and prepared to carry out. But 4 long weeks later I’m back at work and enjoying this drive. Bipolar disorder has got nothin on me.
As I leisurely take in the view up ahead, I picture myself take my hands of the wheel and glide through the air. Arms out to the side like one might do on a bicycle. I think I want to feel this contentment forever. The only possible way that could happen is to veer into oblivion.
The urge to carry out this fantasy becomes overwhelming. My heart start racing. My thoughts start racing. My vision blurry. Panic attack. I pull over as soon as I can to gather myself and my breathing. I always always leave early. I’m sure you can understand why.
Soon, I turn on my signal and begin my road trip again. I practice what I will say when I arrive. I practice what they will say. I turn on some mellow music. Sink into my seat and remind myself I’m OK.
After my appointment I meet a co-worker for lunch. I do not mention the earlier incident. I prepare for my return drive home. I reach out to my higher power and mumble a few words into the car. Again some sort of comfort comes over me. I notice my surroundings. I take it slow and don’t feel rushed to get home. Its that feeling of peace surrounding me, enticing me, promising me what I perceive as freedom. If I died right now, I could actually say I was at peace. Seconds later I pulled in front of a semi truck barreling down the road. He blared his horn as i narrowly made it through the intersection. I didn’t panic. I didn’t seem to care.
Holding on to a positive feeling can be challenging in this world. For my bipolar brain it’s seemingly impossible. I shoot up, then careen down. With all that lies in between. This was all in the span of 6 hours.
How could someone who thinks they feel “at peace,” such a coveted feeling, put herself in harms way at the same time? I don’t really know. Its completely counterintuitive. I’ll tell ya its the truth. Its not hard to want to feel good. Content. At peace. But, with bipolar disorder, everything is a balancing act.

So the Anxiety is Unrelenting

As some of you may have noticed, I have not been blogging much of late. The reason you ask? Well the reason is anxiety. I have somehow developed an anxiety disorder, I awaken with what I can only describe as an anxiety or panic attack. Then I have to spend some time talking myself out of the anxious, fearful, panicked thoughts. Let me assure you this is not a fun way to start my day. The thoughts are always about my son. He recently became a lawyer, and passed the NYS Bar exam. He had found a job but it turns out the boss was the boss straight from hell, so my son had to leave this position. His boss said some extremely disgusting things to him. I’m pretty sure this man is a lunatic and a sociopath. I’m just sorry my son’s first experience as a lawyer was so awful.

He is still living in Buffalo, and I am in Louisville. He is looking for another job, and I am very worried about him finding said job. All the advertised jobs are asking for 2 – 8 years of experience. Not many entry level jobs are advertised at all. So that is worrisome.

He lives alone, and that is very worrisome to me. His girlfriend moved back to NYC to live with her family and although they are adorable together, it’s a long distance relationship.

I so wish we lived in the same city, a few miles away from each other, so if he needed anything, we would be there.

My heart breaks that I made this child of mine and now I have left him alone to fend for himself. I don’t like it. Everyone tells me that he has to live by himself to learn to be independent. I don’t like it. Yes I want him to be independent, but I also don’t want to be 600 miles away from him.

I keep telling myself that he is fine, that he is capable of taking care of himself, but I’m not really sure about that. I just keep telling myself he will be fine, and forcing myself to believe it. Trying to believe it. I want this awful anxiety and worry to go away. I’ve tried Ativan, it didn’t help that much.

The Fun Continues

Now our garage door is refusing to operate this morning .  So we’re lifting and closing it with our bare hands,  I would just leave it up but it’s too chilly for that.  We had a tiny tiny snow flurry  this morning when I went out to put something in the mail box. But it’s warming up and should get pretty hot actually at Christmas. So we will see how it goes.

Went and got my hair cut and colored.  SO that was nice.  I told her how well things were going and how I felt like I was in remission again. So she was glad for me.

I’ve decided I’m going to spend the rest of the holidays to catching up on my reading.  I have one book I’ve been trying to finish for months and three others I have bought but haven’t read. So I’m going to try to spend my free time investing in my mind like I used to and see if that helps my operating any. We will see.

I’m trying to research remission and find out how to maintain it.  I’m mostly finding statistics on how hard it is to do so.  So I hope to write a post in January about it.

GOing ot be a slow rest of the day, I think. I plan to stay awake, read, and finish laundry.  Hopefully the repair guy will be here soon.


I, Me, I, Me

The donor first coined the snarkastic “I,Me,I,Me” to describe our former roommate, who, indeed was a self centered narcissist. At the same time, he cornered me into feeling any time I used the word “I” or discussed myself or my issues, I was somehow this self absorbed monster. Honestly, what else can I discuss that I know fuck all about BUT myself? Does this truly make me self centered?

Zero fucks are now given. MY blog. I,me, I, me. This is my life, this is what has been going on in it that has kept me from posting for this long.

Last Monday I was due at the shop. I used sick kid excuse even tho my kid was fine and at school. Bad me. If the world would just accept “Depression is kicking my ass and paranoia has me too scared to go out”, I wouldn’t need to be a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Tuesday and Wednesday, in spite of PMS and depression, I put in penance at the shop to make up for my little lie. Except on Wednesday I was dispatched to get lunch at McDonald’s drive thru…AND some lady in this big assed pick up truck who apparently can’t drive stick shift even better than I can (and I can’t) RAMMED me in the bumper. I heard her scream “son of a bitch!” so I knew it was an accident. I shut the car off and got out, knowing full well I was not at fault and I had nothing to fear. Fortunately there was no damage to either vehicle or her or me and I just said, “No harm done” got my food and drove away with a “merry christmas”. She told me I was being such a sweetie. Meh. No need getting cops and insurance companies involved when there was no damage.

Thursday I was at the shop (does penance ever end???) and the school called me to get my kid, she had bad stomach cramps. (See, karma, use sick kid excuse, you get a sick kid.) I figured it was gas, brought her home. After an hour of her screaming, I took her to Prompt Care. The doctor spent less than sixty seconds with her and said it could be constipation or her appendix, I better take her to the ER.

So there we went. And the screaming continued and still we sat in the waiting room a half hour. Then another half hour while vitals and all were checked and the kid is wailing.

I guess that is where the true “I,me,I,me” self centered thing came into play. I was resentful of having to be at that damned hospital and wait and be all anxious and pms-y. Plus I smelled bad, looked awful, and my kid didn’t want my comfort at all. So I became brooding.

The longer it took, the worse I got mood wise, to the point of fury. Pee test, X-ray, blood draw (four of us to hold her down) and more of her agonized wailing. Then the wailing stopped as she nodded off after a dose of Tylenol. It was at that point I snapped out of my own self obsessed bubble and realized…omg, this child could truly be sick, she could need surgery. My kid is never quiet and she fell asleep in the middle of all that pain?

So there I am, back to her first couple of years, where I was so scared she’d stop breathing for no reason, I am putting my ear close to her chest and my fingers near her nose to make sure she is breathing.

And that was when realization struck. I hadn’t had a xanax in almost 15 hours, no wonder I was agitated. Throw in the hospital loathing and PMS…I was not being a terrible self absorbed monster of a mom. I just needed my medicine. Fortunately, I carry some in my purse. Pill on board, I began to calm down.

Except then the family practitioner (she never did see an actual doctor) came back and said the X Ray was blocked by her constipated bowel and they need to do a contrast. They brought in this 32 ounce cup of Jonestown looking Kool Aid stuff and insisted she drink it all within an hour.

My heart sank. I had to cajole and promise sweets and cheer her on and finally, she finished it. Then we waited another ninety minutes for her Cat scan of the belly.

Then another hour for someone to read it.

Then a half hour to be told…she is constipated and the only thing that will help is to change her diet and “untrain” her from keeping herself from going to the bathroom. WTF? I didn’t know you could train yourself not to “go”. Fuck if I could train myself to never pee again, I would, it is a waste of my time.

One thing I know..It’s sure as fuck cos I don’t grant her access to use a bathroom when needed. If she is doing this to herself, it’s by her own design or because of the school’s draconian bathroom break policies where kids lose points if they ask to go more than the two allotted times. That is cruel and unusual.

So seven and a half hours in the ER and we come home and she is still hurting. But I was relieved because I was terrified she was going to need surgery.

Friday I called her off school as the contrast stuff , as warned, was causing her to have runny messes in her pants. In the course of moving some stuff to the laundry room…one of the cats pawed up the heat grate (no screws so they are not fastened down) and my leg went right down to the bottom of the vent work.

1220160858-00Inner leg.

1220160858-01outer leg.

Saturday we woke up to 2 degrees and everything coated in thick ice. Ha ha, not going anywhere in that shit. My dad stopped by and asked if we needed anything from the store. I said, sure, a bit of milk, a jar of pasta sauce, and a pound of hamburger so we could have spaghetti. He griped, “That’s expensive stuff, hamburger.” Yet they had my sister with them, taking her to Aldi, to buy enough food for 8 people for a week!!!! Nice to know where I stand in the pecking order.

Seeing him made my mood crash, then everything seemed to start going awry. Little shit that amounts to nothing but still feels like “dish dweller appears, bad shit happens” whammy.

Sunday was negative 3 and still the ice rink on my windshield. They canceled school for Monday at 1 pm on Sunday, if that tells you how bad it was.

Monday I battled my way to defrost the car glass and chisel and scrape…All the while worried about running all the gas out of it. And it did, I am gonna have to go grovel at the chihuahua’s feet just to have enough gas to get her to school til Thursday. AWESOME.

But I was relieved it was done cos I don’t do mornings so saving it til the next day would have been worse. We made a quick trip to Aldi.

Which brings  me to my next dilemma. Due to the remodel, Aldi will be closing Dec 31 and not reopening til late February. WTF? That leaves me only TWO places to get actual meat and stuff and if anyone tells me how cheap Walmart is, I will smack them with a rotting mackerel. Compared to Aldi, Walmart is three times more costly and don’t even mention the preppy people grocery store.


I still have no tree up. I have bought Spook only  a few gifts I ordered on line from Five Below. I have arranged for mom to keep her Thursday night so I can do a little shopping and wrapping. I have zero enthusiasm for it. I want it over with.

To add to my humiliation…Due to not being able to get out for almost three days…I got my curse and had to ask my stepmonster to bring me pads. Not the first time but always so humiliating.

Life just keeps on giving. Not in a good way.

I try to focus on the good things. Heat, shelter, purring kitties, kid that’s on the mend…

Yet every day just brings another punch to the gut.

I finally did get the shrink to call me. He raised my Pristiq by 50 mg even tho it is not recommended. He was all like, why are you so depressed…UM, every fucking winter and Christmas, duh!!!SEASONAL. And always with the damn sun lamps, as if that does fuck all.

Today my kid is at school and may she stay there because I am so tapped out…I need a day of me time. I, me, I, me. Selfish Morgue.

Still, zero fucks given.

I am trying. I see a lot of parents with less to deal with do way worse than I am doing so…there is that.

Still…the desire to curl up in fort blankie and tell the worst to fuck off and die…is pretty appealing.

Rinse and Repeat

star Wed:

So right when life for me gets kind of crappy, we get Danny’s college grades for the semester. They were a little mixed. He had one A, two B’s and two F’s. He told us he didn’t like the F classes so he didn’t go. (Danny is 22 for those of you who came to the party late.)

He also told me that life is very hard for him from the minute he opens his eyes until the minute he goes to sleep. I feel sorry for him. He just doesn’t know where his life is headed. We are paddling as fast as we can, but we can only do so much.

He worked late last night so we’ve all agreed to talk at noon today to see what the future holds. Danny might hate school, but what kind of a job is he going to find?

I am going to insist that if he does quit school, he gets a full time job and pays us some rent. He is not going to lounge around the house all day and go hang with his friends all night while we feed him and put gas in his car.

I think Danny has depression (and some anger problems), but he won’t take any meds. He doesn’t believe in ingesting artificial things…except pot…if pot is artificial.

I got up this morning and feel okay. I just have to wrap a few gifts and get a shower today. I think I can do that, even though taking a shower doesn’t sound too fun.


Okay, so we had a family meeting. Very calm, just a discussion. Danny wants to go back to school in the spring and only take four classes so he can keep up better. He will be seeing a therapist twice a month. I will find a new psychiatrist for him to see regarding depression. He still does not want to take any meds. He admits, however, that many of his friends have said he seems depressed. He is also going to start exercising with my husband. We’re doing the best we can here. I hope it is good enough.


Danny spent some time with his dad yesterday. They did some holiday shopping and got something to eat.

It’s weird with a 22 year old. They have their own friends and understandably want to spend a lot of time with them. They are working and maybe going to school. But I think they still need that family time to connect. We’re both going to try to spend more time with him.

He called a psychiatrist for an appointment yesterday and had to leave a message. I’ll give them three days. If they don’t call back, we’ll find someone else. I really hope someone can talk him into some meds….I don’t think he would need much to feel better.

So today I need to see the diet doctor. I’ve probably gained a couple of pounds but that’s okay. Then we are going to the candy store (yes, right after the diet doctor!) to get some candy for Christmas gifts. Next, it’s the bank and then the drugstore. Then maybe yoga.

I see MY new psychiatrist tomorrow. I’m pretty nervous. I just hope she knows what she is doing and will take an interest in my problems. But we live in a big city and there are plenty of other doctors if she doesn’t work out. I can also go back to my old one for a while even though he has moved WAY across town.

I feel pretty decent this morning. At least good enough to get dressed and get out of the house for some errands. This is an improvement. However, I’ve had the pattern of feeling good when I wake up and then going downhill. Hopefully today will be better.


Had a really good day. Was off the couch almost all day. Did errands, saw diet doctor, and went to yoga. Had not seen diet doctor in two months due to depression. I basically ate what I wanted during that time and I lost 1/2 pound. It’s good I maintained, but I want to hit the diet again.

I got an appointment for next week with our family doctor to see Danny. Danny really trusts him and I THINK Danny might take meds if this guy thinks it is best. Or this doc may refer him to a psychiatrist. We’re still trying to find one for him.


Having a really good day. Went to meet the new psychiatrist for me (remember, mine is retiring). I like her. However, she was full of advice regarding vitamins and also counseled me on how wonderful the world is and when I am depressed I should think about that. Uh. But she seems handy enough, and her office is very close. Even with my driving anxiety, I can get to her office myself.

Went to get my sister-in-law’s Christmas present and gave my niece and nephews their money. Made a lot of progress.

Tomorrow have a calm day. Want to take a decent walk and a good shower so I am ready for church Sunday.


Am up at 6:30 writing to you. Feeling good and normal today. No depression. It’s freezing outside, but I hope to take a walk when my husband gets up.

I woke early and was thinking about my illness. About how I must spend a great part of my life doing things to overcome it. How the first thing I think of in the morning is taking my meds. And about all the activities I do to help improve it…yoga, support groups, watching diet and weight, doctors, therapists, meditation, water, writing this blog, keeping a mood chart….well, you get the idea. So I felt a bit irritated. But then, of course, I thought of all the other people with chronic problems and the things they had to go through.

So I’m not sure what I think.

Today, just get a walk and shower, get to the dry cleaners, and clean the litter box. Woohoo!


Yesterday was a good day. No depression. My husband did a lot of errands and I didn’t go with him. I just felt sort of lazy and wanted to hang around the house.

My daughter is dating a new guy and really likes him. That’s good news. She said he is a lot like her dad….so that is REALLY good! She’s 28, so it’s about time to get out and meet someone.

Danny went out of town overnight with some friends. He’s texted me a couple of times to say hi and share info. He was really looking forward to going and I think it cheered him up a great deal.

I feel good this morning. Just church, a visit to my husband’s uncle (in assisted living), and hanging out at home watching football. My husband is going to the game so it’ll be a long afternoon for me by myself.

But bottom line, I am feeling decent.


Everyone is out of the house so am a bit lonesome. Several more hours before anyone comes back. It’s frustrating cause I have plenty of friends I could have scheduled something with. But I just feel I am not dependable enough the way I have been cycling with several days up and then several days down. But (if I can wallow in self pity here) I think that is the price I pay for my bipolar.


Woke up with a mild headache and a stuffy nose. Don’t think I am getting sick though.

We are having at least some company for Christmas dinner. My husband’s cousin and his wife. Plus my girlfriend. That is at least manageable.

I want to make chili and cornbread for Christmas Eve. Hope I can do it.

Today am still trying to get to the dry cleaners and then have women’s support group this afternoon. Probably need to start on a grocery list. Feel a bit tired, but not depressed. I am just praying hard that I can make it through Christmas without crying. That  would be nice.


Turned out to be a weak day. Stayed on the couch most of the time. Decided to switch to banana/ pecan pancakes for Christmas Eve. Just a tough day.

I won’t blog again till after the holiday, so hope you all have a peaceful one.

much love,




I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about good and bad, right and wrong, and the effects that our negative and positive thoughts have on these areas. In many ways I see the world in right or wrong. I spent much of my life believing that the tiniest infraction made me a bad person or condemned me to hell. ( for the record these were MY thoughts not what I was taught). And by much of my life I mean I just turned 36 and probably 20 of those were lived in a very negative dark place. Even when I knew there was no reason for it or I knew that had had nothing to be that negative about. I was talking to my Mom last week and telling her that I have really been thinking about the fact that some things aren’t right or wrong they just are. And she looked at me and said, “do you remember me telling you that when you were a teenager?” I of course did not. But looking back it very much is something that she would have said to try to help me process the things going on around me. We didn’t know then that I was bipolar but boy in hindsight it’s strange how certain things just jump out at you. I still live my life very much black verses white but I have also learned to at least try to see the grey. It’s hard to see that when to you everything is a life or death issue. For me, in many ways, everything has always been a life or death issue. It was like if I didnt act right or say the right thing the next thing that would happen would be bad. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that whatever doomsday thought I had in my head never happened, but it didn’t and continued to live that way for years. I often wonder if my change in thoughts is because I am getting older or if it really is from the meds that are now a staple for my daily life. 

When your mind is sick it’s hard to see or know if things are what they seem. If you aren’t totally losing it or if you are making the impact that you want to make. I have the perfect story for this. There’s a girl a work with that is hard to work with. I can’t really put my finger on the issue except that she’s annoying and kind of bossy(even when she has no reason to be). Anyway, we had our work Christmas party last night. When I walked in I walked up to the group and rambled off one of my usual one liners about something someone was doing. This girl looked at me and said, ” and that’s why you’re one of my favorite people.” What an immediate slap in the face! I felt horrible and when she comes back from her break from school I will look at and try to treat her in a different manor. Once again I was reminded that I DO matter and that I do have an impact or influence on the people around me. 

I am reminded that things aren’t always black and white. That people sometimes just do the best they can with what they have. That sometimes people aren’t given the love and support they need and deserve. That even though many days are a battle for me that I am still making an impact. That the love I have always strived to give is coming through and being received by the people around me. That even though my world is very black and white it’s those shades of grey where we are able to grow and learn and love. I don’t want to give up what I know now. I don’t want to be another person(at least for today😘) and I am grateful for the things I have lived through and learned. You don’t have to change everyone or the world if you wake up each day with a heart to give love and support in the end that’s all that really matters.