December has also been a shit month

Last month I was ready to say November was the worst month in recent memory, but December might take that spot, I’m not sure yet. I did figure out the shit with the dermatologist and it will be taken care of as of tomorrow. The other shit involved two massive clouds of doom. One is financial (and could potentially be helped by looking into loan forgiveness). The other led to me discussing previous suicide attempts with my mom while in the car the other day, because I am not likely to get better, and if I do, not any time soon. The main problem is the cognitive deficits. I can’t think right, my thinking is impaired, my impulse control is impaired, my ability to plan ahead is nonexistent. I stopped going to therapists when I realized the problems were largely neurological, not psychological, and that therapy wasn’t helping and drugs probably wouldn’t, either. Only getting off the current meds would help, and that’s not possible right now due to adrenal insufficiency. I was reading something yesterday written by a binge drinker on why he drinks and it resonated a bit with me. I don’t drink much, but I do binge drink and I do it because there is no way out. It is all doom and decay and an inability to think straight, and if I’m too sober all the time I am unable to psychologically cope with reality. If you don’t understand that, good for you, it either means your reality is ok, or that you cope with it better than I do.

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