FINGERNAILS!

This is how I felt last week, but instead of an unborn baby it was…you know…me.  I have FINGERNAILS.

I bite my nails when I’m nervous, so the last time I had nails that didn’t look totally janky was back when…oh, I don’t know…when’s the last time I wasn’t completely overwhelmed by life?  Middle school?  That was fifteen years ago, y’all.

I looked down at my hands the other day, and I suddenly noticed, “WHOA!  Where did those come from?!”  I was on anti-anxiety meds basically all of last year, but I’ve been off of them for a few months now.  I feel like, for the first time in years, I can have normal and healthy responses to stressful situations, and I’m not even on meds that make me do that!  I’m able to do it on my own!  *cue Hallelujah chorus*

Here are some situations to help you understand the difference from how my life was before and how it is now (with FINGERNAILS! Has it stopped sounding like a word yet? Fingernails fingernails fingernails):

Situation 1: I drop a dish, and it breaks.

Before: AAAEEEEEE!! OH MY WORD! THIS IS AWFUL!  I’M THE WORST WIFE THAT EVER WIFED!  MY HUSBAND IS GOING TO BE SO ANGRY!  I AM SUCH A LOSER! WE ARE GOING TO GO BANKRUPT OVER BUYING A NEW DISH!

Now: Hey Andy, I dropped a dish.  My bad.  Keep the dogs out of the kitchen for a minute, okay?

Situation 2: I make a small mistake at work.

Before: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!  I AM GOING TO GET FIRED, AND MY FAMILY WILL ALL SHUN ME, AND I WILL BE A HOMELESS PERSON ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH ONLY MY EMACIATED DOG FOR COMPANY BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DIED OF STARVATION AFTER GIVING ME HIS LAST CRUST OF BREAD. I CAN’T BELIEVE I MADE SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE!  THIS HAS RUINED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!

Now: Oh, oops.  Sorry about that.  I’ll fix it next time.

Situation 3: Husband is late coming home

Before: AHHH!  HE IS PROBABLY DEAD IN THE DITCH!  HOW AM I GOING  TO TELL HIS PARENTS?  WHAT WILL I SAY AT HIS FUNERAL? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH HIS HUNTING DOG?  HIS LAST WISH WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR THAT DUMB DOG TO HUNT.  SHIT, NOW I HAVE TO TAKE UP GROUSE HUNTING.  WHYYYYYYYYY?!

Now: His last patient ran late, or maybe his boss needed some help.  I’m sure he’ll be home soon.  I will eat a cookie while I wait.  Yum, cookies.

Do you see how different it is now!?  The aforementioned situations are not as exaggerated as one might hope; I’ve actually thought 95% of those things.  I thought them all in capital letters, too, just like I pictured here.  My brain used to be a pretty crazy place.  It still is sometimes, but it’s a lot quieter now.  It has at least gotten out of capslock.

Now I am enjoying my newfound fingernails.  I feel like a preteen girl who just got boobs: what is this awesome new body part that I have now?!  I’m going to paint them and file them and love them (I’m back to fingernails now, not boobs.  In case you didn’t follow.  I do not paint and file my boobs).

I hope you’re all having a calm Thursday night.  I’m sitting by the fire with my cat at my feet, and I’m loving the clacky sound my fingernails make on my keyboard.  Maybe I can be the hand model for one of those manicurist posters where someone shows off shiny nails while holding a rose or a violin.  A whole new world is open to me now.