Daily Archives: November 28, 2016

Questions

I have come to the determination that I can pretty much never trust my own mind and thoughts. I more and more seem to question just about every thought or feeling I ever have. I used to think that everybody thought like I did. I am more and more seeing that not only do they not think like me but I am in a very small percentage of people who think like me. 

I’m going to try to explain it as best I can. Last night I sat there thinking about my doctors appointment(that was dec. 28, not Nov. 28) and decided I was going to ask him if it’s normal to run every decision I make through a filter of what’s best for them. For instance, we scan for orders to take to customers at work. Most of the time we have specific positions and we are supposed to stay in them unless we are really busy or something. Anyway, I am always looking at who else is there and allowing others to scan first(there are tips involved). I think if it as not a big deal because while we definitely use the money I make we don’t actually NEED it. Plus, I usually get my turn. But pretty much everyone else jumps on and sits by the machine waiting for the scans. How I have been able to make someone else not doing their job my problem I don’t know. But that’s where I’m at. And it feels like I am am always there. It didn’t occur to me until last night that all of that may not be normal. Hence, wanting to ask my doctor about it. 

The second thing is that there are times when I just KNOW things. I don’t really have any reason to know, I don’t know if my subconscious works overtime putting facts together or what but I know things. I knew the Broncos were gonna lose last night. You, like my husband, probably think it was a jinx or a lucky guess. But I knew before the game even started they were gonna lose. So while we watched it, and it was a nail bitter of a game, I couldn’t even get excited because I knew they were going to lose. No one believes me of course. I knew Trump was gonna win shortly after he started campaigning and long before he got the republican nomination. This isn’t a political post at all. It’s just another example of something I KNEW. Of course once again you can blame luck for that fact, but my feelings did start well over a year before the actual election. 

I do not believe this is normal. I never had and I have always had these feelings. The only reason I told my husband about the Broncos last night was because I wanted a witness. I have determined that I am going to have to start sharing these feelings or no one is ever going to believe me. But in many ways I hate it. I don’t know why but somehow it feels wrong that I should get to know these things when other people don’t. It’s a very strange feeling and I’m not even sure there would be a way to process through it. It just is. And I suppose that’s ok. But once again since I don’t meet people everyday that say the same thing it is very lonely and I often wonder if I’m not just completely wrong in my mind. 

The problem is I don’t know how to fix or change it. I don’t know if it even matter, except to me because it drives me crazy sometimes. I wish I could share my normal with the people around me. I wish for one day I could’ve in a normal mind and remember it so I could compare the two. I guess that’s not really possible. But it would sure help my mind stop spinning all the time about everything. I am trying to really learn that I need to be me and not worry so much about every person around me. It’s a hard lesson and one I will probably spend the rest of my life seeking. But I will do that because the alternative is to really feel like I am losing it. 


Slow Suffocation

That moment you sit in group therapy with a bunch of strangers and admit you are hearing voices. You further admit there is a chanting of “join me in hell” “you are not welcome here anymore” that permeates the air you breathe. Nothing seems real, yet its all so overwhelming. The breaking point is near. I need to go to the hospital is lingering on my tongue. The badgering of ideas on ways to end my existence overfills the space between my ears. There are no more tears. Only tunnels. I feel like I’m crawling through a tunnel devoid of sound, touch, light. Is this what true darkness feels like. Perhaps just enough air, but not really. Its not easy, Peaceful breathing. Nor hard labored. My lungs aren’t expanding. New oxygen isn’t being received. Perhaps I am slowly suffocating. Makes sense. my world is so smal. yet my pain so big. And yet again..no big loss or tragedy has befallen me. Its my mere existence that causes the pain. My husband had the audacity to question my motives. Suggest maybe I am manipulating him. Holy fuck. To think I would righteously and purposely put my mental health in harms way to…to..what? Disrupt his life. If only he knew how much I feel relieving him of the stress&burden that is me plagues me everyday. One fatal shot. One tree. One belt. Bottle of pills.
The amount of IM SO SORRY that I carry is phenomenal. He loves me. God knows he does. I know he does. I wish it weren’t so and I need more love at the same time. Miss independent I walk around. I don’t need you or anyone else for that matter. Not true. So not true. I’m desperate for friends for connection. I just can’t seem to find it or maintain it.
As I admit the reality that I need the hospital. As I write these words. Hug someone close today. Tell that friend who struggles they matter. Important words everyone needs to hear.


Is the glass half empty or half full?

(Picture courtesy of Uncommon chick) Its been a while since I posted.  So much has changed and so much has remained the same.  The last time I wrote here, my son was ill in hospital.  Thankfully, his confinement there lasted … Continue reading

Is the glass half empty or half full?

(Picture courtesy of Uncommon chick) Its been a while since I posted.  So much has changed and so much has remained the same.  The last time I wrote here, my son was ill in hospital.  Thankfully, his confinement there lasted … Continue reading

We Still Have a Chance to Stop Kratom Prohibition – And the DEA Actually Wants to Hear Your Thoughts | Drug Policy Alliance

http://www.drugpolicy.org/blog/we-still-have-chance-stop-kratom-prohibition-%E2%80%93-and-dea-actually-wants-hear-your-thoughts?ms=2D1_1611NewsletterKratom&utm_campaign=fy17newsletter&cid=701U0000000y1Jd&spMailingID=27183648&spUserID=NDA5MjM2NTIzMjY5S0&spJobID=925556829&spReportId=OTI1NTU2ODI5S0

Please consider taking action NOW.  Send the DEA your personal letter using the link in the above article.  Tell them why they should leave kratom alone, just as it is: an unscheduled herbal supplement that many find very helpful.  The harms associated with kratom are minimal.  There have been less than 200 deaths recorded that are associated with–but not necessarily caused by–kratom use.

Please exercise your rights and privileges, and send the DEA a note today!  The next vote on the fate of kratom comes up on December 1, so time is of the essence!


Windy

We’re having hot, windy weather.  Hopefully it won’t scare up a tornado.  But it certainly feels like one outside.

Winding down to the end of the term for me.  I have two weekly assignments left and the final big project, which I have pretty much finished. So that has been interesting.  We read  what was basically an obituary this week, but it was written like a mystery story because it followed the legal procedure of finding out who the dead man was, who his next of kin  was, etc.

Listening to Elvis Presley’s Christmas music.  I’ll be putting up decorations today after I finish this and eat lunch.    Hope to finish today and that means there will be minimal fuss taking it all down.  That is my hope, at least.

 


Weekly Wrap-Up November 28, 2016

Mood Still going up and down with depression. I’m fine for a little while and then I remember who our next president will be and depression hits hard. This doesn’t have as much to do with politics as it does the man himself. Trump is vile, vulgar and a narcissistic who is surrounding himself with some of the scourge of…

The post Weekly Wrap-Up November 28, 2016 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Weirdness

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I was happy! Yep that’s right HAPPY!. I forgot what that felt like.

Today I had a hard time getting out of bed though. I lay there for 3 hours just riddled with anxiety over nothing.

I think this new med is helping. I think I’m gonna need more meds. I don’t think the rexulti is going to do it all on it’s own. They even advertise it as something to help with antidepressants. So I wonder what my shrink will try to do.

Still feeling hopeful though.