Daily Archives: November 22, 2016

Aftermath Therapy

So I talked to my therapist about last Tuesday night.  She suggested I model the behavior I wanted. If I  want affirmation, I ne to give it as well.  I know he’s going through a lot with his dad being sick and in denial about it.  But I don’t know how to talk to him about it if he won’t open up to me.

I wrote a scary little bit where I told my peers about what went down in 2011 with me and Bob over the salesman.  I wonder what their reaction  will be.  I need to start collecting responses so I know how to refine it if I’m going to write it all and put it in a book.

I need to start cooking cookies but I’m just not feeling it right now.  I don’t know why. But I need to get on it or be prepared to rush doing it tomorrow.  WE will see how it goes this afternoon and tomorrow.

 

 


Morgue on mytrendingstories.

I was recently invited to write articles for mytrendingstories. So far, I’ve written two (one was a reblog of yesterday’s anxiety post.) Please check them out, like, comment. They have certain giveaways for writers who post the most, get the most likes or followers, and this could lead to getting paid at some point. I am varying topics from my primary mental health and personal rants. Suggest topics I can touch in, if you want. I am very excited about this opportunity. Help me get my writing noticed. Not because it’s an ego thing. Because I love to write and it’s what I am good at. Thanks.

 

Check out my latest post.


On Second Thought…

TRASH DIARIES

It’s hilarious to me when people say that calling out something for what it is, condemning it and declaring separation from it somehow equals being judgmental. Oh wow, oh my. I’m almost convinced. I hope you can feel the sarcasm, ’cause it’s oozing.

The good news is I have enough of a functional brain left (in spite of being all “bipolar”) to tell the difference and not let trolls convince me otherwise. Because see, opinions — as someone smartly pointed out on Twitter — are for things like, “I hate coffee” not “I hate black people.” That isn’t an opinion. That’s racism and hatred.

And if you’re part of that crew and get called out for being a racist, that’s not being judgmental — that’s simply stating a fact; You. Are. A. Racist. Person. Period.

You are a problem in our society. That’s not judgment, that’s a fact.

*repeat it 100 times*

I…

View original post 640 more words


On Second Thought…

TRASH DIARIES

It’s hilarious to me when people say that calling out something for what it is, condemning it and declaring separation from it somehow equals being judgmental. Oh wow, oh my. I’m almost convinced. I hope you can feel the sarcasm, ’cause it’s oozing.

The good news is I have enough of a functional brain left (in spite of being all “bipolar”) to tell the difference and not let trolls convince me otherwise. Because see, opinions — as someone smartly pointed out on Twitter — are for things like, “I hate coffee” not “I hate black people.” That isn’t an opinion. That’s racism and hatred.

And if you’re part of that crew and get called out for being a racist, that’s not being judgmental — that’s simply stating a fact; You. Are. A. Racist. Person. Period.

You are a problem in our society. That’s not judgment, that’s a fact.

*repeat it 100 times*

I…

View original post 640 more words

What I Am Thankful For

thanksgivingTues:

I am thankful for my big house that holds my husband, my three kids, me, and six pets.

Today was a good day. I got up and did my weekly phone call with my support friend. I then took a thirty minute walk with my husband. I did nothing but rest until my bipolar support meeting at 3. I went to the meeting and then a friend and I went to have coffee and chat for an hour.

My friend does self-harm and doesn’t get out a lot. I was SO proud of us….we went to our support group and then had coffee and a cookie like any other “normal” people. It was great…a hopeful day!

Wed:

I am thankful for my doctors and meds that keep me going and (mostly) keep me moving and out of the hospital.

I had a busy day today. Went to the psychiatrist and then went shopping. Really getting a handle on the Christmas thing. I feel really good…just normal not hypomanic. I got pretty tired after all that running around so I am now resting. Oh, and I made chicken parmesan in the crock pot this morning. It sure smells good! But I plan on sticking with that liquid diet. I feel happy, though, that I made dinner for everyone else. The crock pot is my friend. I can get up, load it, and forget about it. No matter how crappy the day, there is still dinner. Things are looking good. So two decent days in a row.

Thurs:

I am thankful for having enough (too much) to eat, and for having clean water to use.

Today should be an easy day. Just see the therapist and go to yoga. We also may start looking at some fireplace trim we need to paint. I feel pretty good today…no depression…I would say mildly elevated.

Therapy appointment turned out really well. Yoga was even better. Another pretty good day. Slight feeling of paranoia and feeling like I am doing something wrong. Have no idea where this is coming from.

Fri:

I am thankful for warm blankets, and for my kids and husband, who understand and do not criticize, even on my bad days.

There’s not a lot to say this morning. I slept pretty well and need to go get my hair cut this morning. I am planning on resting after that, as we are going out for a birthday tonight. That’s about it…I feel normal.

Pdoc increased my Lamictal a few days ago. Could possibly be what is causing the upswing.

Update:

Started feeling depressed during hair cut. Came home and am feeling fairly low. Not sure why….seemed like everyone else in the salon was young and thin. I am not young or thin. Told my husband maybe I need a salon with more mature clients. But I do like the way this stylist does my hair.

I am starting to wear some winter clothes and am not very pleased. I have lost 20-25 pounds, but things still don’t look good on me. It’s as though my fat has sort of shifted or something. Decided to donate anything I tried on that was not flattering. I am not waiting for my shape to change. I’d rather have three tops/ sweaters I look good in than 20 tops that look like crap. Frustrating and really a stupid problem to make into a big deal.

Sat:

I am thankful for my friends….they have stood by me through my depression.

I had a pretty good day today. I went out to garage sales with my husband and middle son. We didn’t find much but we had a great time. Then middle son and I went out for breakfast. I was slightly embarrassed because my hands were really shaky.

I came home and took a nice nap. Must have slept too long because I woke up with a slight headache.

I know I am getting old. We went out last night to celebrate a birthday and the restaurant food was pretty good. But the noise was TERRIBLE! It reminded me of the old disco clubs. Just deafening. Which is fine (IMO) if you are drinking and dancing, but not if you are sitting down, eating, and trying to talk at all.

Going to make a dump cake and some grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. A little tired.

Only thing up for tomorrow is church. Will have to see how I feel.

Sun:

I am thankful for the people in my life who have passed, but were such a blessing: my grandmother, my mother-in-law, my grandfathers, my stepfather.

I needed a shower last night and took one so I was ready for church, but woke up and decided to stay home and catch a football game. I feel GUILT, but not enough to get up and go. I think I will talk about guilt at my next therapy appointment.

I have my annual mammogram tomorrow and of course, have health anxiety about it. But I’ve had several “call backs” in the past where they use an ultrasound to double check, and I even had a biopsy a few years back. I got through all of that, so I can get through this. Ya gotta love health anxiety.

I feel pretty decent today…have a bit of anxiety about the holidays, but am trying to take it one day at a time. I also have reduced my expectations. Whatever happens is what happens. I’d like to suck just a bit of enjoyment out of this time of the year and be very grateful that we are all going to be together again this year. I know that things are changing with the kids, and soon there will likely be work conflicts, and children-in-laws.

Mon:

I am thankful for my mental health right now. It’s not perfect, but I am surviving.

Had a panic attack last night about midnight. Just could not settle down and rest. Took some Klonopin. I have sort of a love/hate thing going with the Klonopin. I either take a lot (over the assigned dose) when I am struggling, or I take none at all when I feel decent. It all does average out well.

Had that mammogram this morning and of course, am nervous about the results. Fortunately, I don’t get nervous when they actually DO the mammogram….just when I am waiting for the results. Luckily, my group is fast….they let you know in 24-48 hours. It’s nice not to cry in front of medical personnel.

I’m frustrated with my CBT. I’m not sure it is really helping. I am still scared to drive and have so much health anxiety. My regular therapist helps a lot and I feel like my CBT therapist just sort of lectures me. I don’t know.

Tues:

I am thankful for this great country I live in, even with all of its flaws.

Still waiting on mammogram results. Hope to find out today.

Hope you all have a nice holiday, no matter how you celebrate.

love,

lily

Trying To Get Me Shit Together

I showered… thank god that’s over because I smelled like weed. I started to notice it.. ya I needed that.

Today has been pretty uneventful except for the shower.

I was also horny as hell but it passed. This is weird because I haven’t been sexually aroused in quite some time because of the depression. Have I mentioned that I have the best husband ever? I have a man that can put up with the ups and mostly downs lately.

Tonight I’m just stoned and listening to music. I’ve felt kind of sad again today. Again since it is a feeling I should embrace it but I can’t. Emotions scare me.

They make me into other people.

Fuck em.