Daily Archives: November 19, 2016

Plan B…..Or is it C? D? E or F?

Well Dog sure works in mysterious ways, I’ve got to say…I got some calls this week.  I’ve been getting lots of calls since making my resume public on Monster and Dice, and frankly it’s a bit of a pain in the ass.  So there were these two particular telephone calls, I had a bad attitude and I wasn’t going to call them back, but there on my Reminders list on Wednesday at 8am was “Call two guys back” so I dutifully did it.  Call #2 was nothing to write home about but Call #1 was…interesting.  This guy was reviewing my resume…saying “I see here you left so-and-so in 2014 and you had a gap of a couple of years and then you started this medical thing…” and I’m like yeah, I’m a loser, so what, and he starts telling me about this grant program that the county workforce centers have for retraining, you have to have been out of the job market for awhile, then underemployed…and I’m thinking, is he going to offer me some training job?  Because I’m wildly unqualified . . . but what he’s offering is not that, but to help get me into some advanced IT training so that I could move up in my career!  And as I start to realize what an opportunity this is, it’s all I can do not to start crying my fucking eyes out, because it just feels like a fucking miracle, because I’m so fucking depressed about going back into IT Support, I feel like I’m eating shit when I apply for these jobs, and have to talk to people and act like I want the job.  So on Thursday, I drove to hell and back in a snowstorm to learn more about this program, and it does seem legit, they submitted my name to the Boulder workforce center to apply for a grant for $5,000 for training in IT Security.  If I were to take these classes and get these certifications (very, very, VERY hard but I am motivated) I would move many, many rungs up the IT Food Chain.  So the long and short of it is, I went from Tuesday, telling my parents that my psychiatrist might hospitalize me the next day when I saw him, to actually having some HOPEHOPE!  It’s nowhere near a done deal yet, but my GOD I have some hope of doing something other than IT Support and making a literal shitload of money.  Enough to save for retirement, what an idea, since my Bipolar ass has so far cashed in all of my previous 401(k)’s.

I have to admit I am a bit of a bundle of nerves, thinking how hard these classes will be, #1.  And #2, dealing with the sexism in IT, which let’s face it, is a Man’s World, will be even worse at a higher level.  It woke me up at 3:30 this morning and I couldn’t fall back asleep thinking about these things.  But what I hope is that, if the Universe creates a way for me to take these classes, the Universe will also grace me with a way to deal with the negatives.  I can’t let myself get too overwhelmed, or I’ll quit before I start.  Bearing in mind that I only fleetingly believe in God, I’ll still quote this quote, which is “If God can lead you to it, s/he can lead you through it.”  I guess I’m going to go with that.

I hope you’re all well, and whether you are or are not, let me know.  I’ve gotten so much support here and I hope to dish some out as well.  Thank you, friends.  Peach out!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Anxiety, Bipolar and Work, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Depression, Hope, Humor, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Should I just cut My Losses

Clutching the pillow tightly and wiping away tears w my sleeve, I sat on my therapists couch revealing I am contemplating suicide. I have two solid plans. They are the same plans I have had for a few years. One plan I “practiced” in the past. I don’t want to fail. I need to be sure it will work. My previous full blown attempt landed me in the emergency room for over 24 hours hooked up to monitors and IV’s. FAILURE. After the psych hospital I went to the Intensive Outpatient Program for several weeks. I was angry. Truly angry I was still alive. That was a few years ago.
I was crying insisting if I took my life over the past week while my husband was out of town, only he would only know cuz I would not answer the numerous texts and phone calls throughout the day. As I laid in bed for the 4th day I believed no one cared and I wouldn’t really be missed. Very few know of my diagnosis and I tend not to let them in anyway. No loss.
I awaited the question: what kept you from following through? I think partly lack of energy, but mostly I didn’t want my husband, who was 3000 miles away, to have figure out how to handle the situation. Plus, he was already immersed in stress with his ailing mother. I couldn’t do it to him, not like this. I have to wonder would it be better for him if it happened while at work. A mere 40 miles away? Of course not. I absolutely do not want to hurt my husband near or far. But somehow the thought of the distance made some sort of difference.
So, as any mood disordered brain might, It focused on how to proceed once he returned. Which is now. It saddens me that I am thrilled about his return, but my broken spirit keeps me from showing it. Shrouded in guilt always. Guilty I wasn’t being honest while he was away as I didn’t want to cause him extra stress. Guilty that he is home and I probably appear like I don’t care. Once again that voice inside, and sometimes outside, is on auto repeat…burden, you don’t belong here. And still another voice baits me and tells me if I take time for myself I am letting my job down, burdening my coworkers w my undone projects. I am so conflicted. Ultimately I just want to be done.
The plan my therapist and I made was that I would call IOP and ask to come in on Monday. I requested they help me assess where I’m at, what I need. Should I push through and go to work. Should I be proactive and get some more intensive help. Should I cut my losses and end the burden.