Daily Archives: November 17, 2016

My Bipolar Self

I don't know where my baseline is.

I want to be as close to stable as possible.  But what's the real me?

Is the real me on the lower, more calm part of the spectrum?  If so, is every up day an anomaly that isn't really me and something I shouldn't be chasing?

Are the up days me, and should I fight the down days to swim my way back up?

How up can I get and still be normal before I'm into hypomania?  Or is that very up state that I see as hypomania where I am meant to be and I need to strive to be there?

If I find a medication that takes me to that higher state, should I find a way to incorporate it into my daily life?  If not, because the fact that it requires medication is a sign of a false high, what does that say about the mood stabilizer I take each day to keep me out of the pits?

And if they are all the real me, as I sense they are, how do I ever find balance?

How do I know what to strive for?  When to reach for the more up place?  When to settle in to what is in the moment?

How do I find peace in who I am when who I am is always in such a state of flux?

Blogging in Sickness and in Health

I love this song “Hope Fell Down” from the album Difford & Tilbrook sung by Chris Difford and Glenn Tilbrook, the British duo from Squeeze. The phrase “Hope fell down” describes my past few days perfectly…and I’m not alluding to politics. Just my out-of-whack digestive system.   Hi everyone, I’ll post Part Two of Afterlifethoughts and … Continue reading Blogging in Sickness and in Health

Risky Behavior and Bipolar Disorder – Throwback

Todays Throwback is from July 14, 2014 Risky Behavior and Bipolar Disorder One of the first things I learned when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder is that those of us who have the disease are more likely to pursue risky behavior. Some examples are excessive spending, gambling, drugs and alcohol abuse, unsafe sex and other sexual indiscretions, reckless driving,…

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Pegacorn, Grant Me The Serenity…

So I took my snowflake to the dentist yesterday. 3o miles out of town. Gas money out of my budget. For a procedure she had done last month. And on this occasion, she decides to freak out over the Novacaine needle. She bawled, thrashed, kicked, screamed, bit the doctor’s finger, knocked the needle out of his hand. In the process of this, the needle scraped one of her other teeth and nearly stabbed him in the hand. He’s not the most lovey dovey doctor, but he did use a quiet (albeit authoritarian ‘i have zero patience” voice) to calm her. As did the nurse. They gave her time to calm down. Nurse and I both tried to soothe her, convince her it was 90 seconds of discomfort but no more toothaches like she had for several hours the other night and screamed through the whole time.

He made a second go. Nurse and I held Spook’s arms down so she couldn’t flail and hit. Epic fail. She hit the doctor again and he stood up, said, “You have to find a specialist” and walked out. We were literally thrown out of the office.

So now I am stuck in this tiny resource deprived armpit town, looking for a pediatric dentist which insurance will not cover while cavities eat through her tooth. And don’t think I couldn’t feel the judgment rolling off the doc and nurse at my inability to get my kid to behave. Well, she was scared, they gave her a new nurse who wasn’t as good as the other one was, he didn’t give more than ten seconds for the numbing q tip thing to take effect. I am by no means defending my child’s violent outbursts but his bedside manner..sucked.

When she was two she had to see an eye specialist. All he did was try to look at her eyes and she kicked him. He basically tossed us out and said to find a new doctor.

Lately she has been physically attacking me and her friends.

I am still waiting on the teacher to finish that assessment for the ADHD review with the doctor. And considering even if I were to get a referral for Spook to a see a psychiatrist…Mine is so booked he can’t even get in regular patients let alone new ones. I feel so frustrated and helpless. Yet the whole time she was thrashing in that dentist chair and kicking two adult’s asses…All I could think, is welcome to my world with this child. That is my daily life. And no one gives a damn.

I called stepmonster, knowing her hard line on discipline, thinking she might offer a bit of empathy or support. Instead she says, “Poor baby, I don’t blame her, I don’t like dentists, either.” I didn’t even bother with my mom. These people coddle and usurp and the best thing that could ever happen for me and my child would be to move far away from my toxic family and so called “I would never let my child get away with that” friends.

On top of all that crap…texting chihuahua began with a barrage of texts about why I didn’t return his texts. Um…text alert was muted. CALL LIKE A GROWN UP. He basically called me a liar. Then asked if I’d come in today for smoke money and help out, in spite of me warning him off by saying my hormones have me pretty wonky and I am in physical pain. Of course, I woke in more pain today than yesterday and I am bordering between tears and rage.

I may just say fuck off in a polite manner and walk out if he pushes me much further.

What is so wrong with him backing off and letting me deal with all this other shit? Why can’t he just back off and be a real friend and let me get my shit together?

My uber plan is to use my phone to record exchanges when he says I am being so unreasonable. Not legal in court, but a fine way to let his wife know just how unfair he is being to me. And if it turns out I am the beast he makes me out to be for not answering his every whim…I will own it.

I feel like death warmed over. Yesterday I at least managed to tackle Mt Laundrolympus and fold and put away SEVEN baskets of clean clothes. Today I am hurting so bad in my back and ovaries, I’d be happy to stay home with a hot water bottle on my belly. But no, I can’t do that because I need to make up for the gas I wasted taking my kid to the dentist or not have enough gas to get her to school next week.

Rat trapped in a maze.

Pegacorn grant me the serenity…

Now when I need my shrink the most…I can’t even get past his bulldog receptionists for even a phone talk.

And down the rabbit hole I go, with all the external stress basically forcing me down faster.

Ain’t life grand.

I’m Not Laughing

Normally when I watch John Oliver’s political satire show, “Last Week Tonight,” I get lots of laughs. His most recent episode about the election of Donald Trump made me feel worse. He had some funny stuff, but none of it made me laugh. I’m glad I see my therapist and my pdoc tomorrow. This shit ain’t funny and I can…

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