Daily Archives: November 16, 2016

Disquietude

get-back-up-artistMy computer came home today, perkier, but still not firing on all cylinders.  The tech-docs did their best and will continue to monitor vitals.  At least I don’t have to create posts on my phone anymore.

Perhaps now my vague disquietude will ease up.  I feel like I’m constantly patting my mental pockets to make sure I have my keys.  What am I forgetting?  I start out the day with my gym bag and art tote, then forget my purse.  Once back in the car, I realize I’ve forgotten the letter I need to mail.  Then, my coffee.  Or like yesterday, I left my coat somewhere and still haven’t found it.

I’m discombobulated, constantly ticking important stuff off on my fingers.  Cats alive?  Gas in the car?  Shoes on?  I check my calendar, then look at it again because I can’t remember what was there.  I’m guessing my anxiety is a little spiky.

I’ve been getting about two hours of sleep at night for several months —even taking Xanax, which is usually all I need.  So, my med provider switched me to Clonazepam—same pharm family (anti-anxiety), but with a longer duration.  I still wake up three or four times a night, but go back to sleep, which I wasn’t able to do on Xanax.  And I’m not waking up furious.  That alone is a huge relief.  Any morning I can get out of bed not pissed off or in PTSD flashback-mode is already a success—no matter what else follows.

hen-in-charge1116Before Anthony, the tech-surgeon, made his house call this afternoon, I vacuumed and dusted a little—something I haven’t done since summer.  I told a friend, “You know it’s time to vacuum when the carpet is crunchy.”

Like my computer, I’m still not firing on all cylinders, but we’re both making progress.  Two addled brains are better than one, I guess.  It’s a good thing the cats are in charge.


It’s Been A Couple Days

I hav e been spending time with my mom because she went home today. We spent a lot of time talking and stoned! There was some hilarity and giggles, honestly most of the visit was awesome.

Today is also my 15th wedding anniversary. Woot! It’s been a wonderful day and my husband bought me a beautiful ring.

My mood is definitely better. I think the meds are helping but once again don’t want to get too hopeful. Hope is the doom for me a  lot of the time.

I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to read what is going on with me and sharing how you feel in the comments!

Hugs to all.

 


Care to be a Guest Blogger?

I haven’t been posting as much as I used to and it looks like I need to cut back a tiny bit more so I can spend more time on my manuscript. Therefore, I’m looking for guest bloggers. I’d like to help promote other blogs one day each week. It’s preferable if your blog is related to bipolar or some…

The post Care to be a Guest Blogger? appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Bipolar Network News

The Bipolar Network News offers fabulous articles about the latest research. I subscribe to their newsletter, which I’m sharing from my email. Sign up for more information at bipolarnews.org. Latest Findings on Ketamine IV Ketamine 2 or 3 Times Per…

Moody Blues

I knew yesterday when I had a midmorning nap (45 whole mins) that the curse was coming. I don’t nap during the day even when I get little sleep at night. Every month when the curse comes…I have a morning or two where I get super sleepy, weak, and simply can’t fight it.

And today, bam, hello, mother nature, you fucking bitch.

Which puts into perspective Sunday night’s fireworks with texting chihuahua. I wasn’t belligerent, I was pre-menstrual. And until a man has been put into that position with raging hormones that have you feeling Hulk angry one minute and fragile and tear ridden the next…. YOU DON’T GET AN OPINION OR JUDGMENT. This is, in addition to the cramps and backache, is a living hell I go through every month. Thank you, menstrual dysphoria.

Throw in bipolar, seasonal depression, and out of control anxiety…Yeah, the fact I’ve never assaulted anyone is the miracle here.

I have not returned a single text from the chihuahua since Monday. First it was my bank’s text alerts going bonkers, sending me 24 alerts in 12 hours. Finally, I got so sick of their technical glitch, I just put my text alert on silent. Then forgot I put it on silent. So then I find four texts from him and I know no matter what I say, he will make some snark about “excuses, excuses”. Frankly, I am tired of feeling like a kicked dog by this person. I thought he was bad before he became a Trump Crumpet…Oh, this shit has turned him into an unlikable unreasonable monster.

Which means I need space and distance. And I would ask that of him but the last time I did, he got all pissed off and started lording all the stuff he’s done for me over my head. Which made me feel shitty, like I could never just ask for one day break without having to worry about ordering his parts or keeping him company while his other friends are busy or his wife is away working. I let the man bully me, turn me into a fear ridden mouse. Even while defending my views or calmly saying “let’s agree to disagree”…he was still being a bully. I really hate to cut all ties and lose his friendship (he was sane before the Trump bullshit) and I do not want to lose his wife’s friendship but I’ve hit my wall. I’ve got enough on my plate with my kid and my mental shit.

So I avoid. Besides, the phone’s ringer has been on and calls have come in. Call me like a grown up instead of texting me like a teenager. It’s irritating. I may miss a call but I return them when I can. (He recently berated me for not answering his call even though I was busy cooking and got back within thirty seconds, but nooo, he’s not demanding or narcissistic at all, it’s just me.) I guess if I avoid long enough he will stop speaking to me. And it would be a blessing for my mental health and nerves. I just can’t stop feeling like a bad person. Like I am the mental case so it is indeed all my fault. Way to train me, society. Even when I am right, I am wrong.

This last week has sucked worse than  a Dyson vacuum. First, I try to reschedule the shrink appt they canceled. They say, we can’t get you into til February. Um, first come first served, sorry. I said, I need sooner, we were going to increase me meds. Are you having trouble right now? EVERY FUCKING FALL AND WINTER I FALL INTO A BLACK HOLE AND YOU PEOPLE ABANDON ME. I finally finagled a Jan 3rd appt, but the woman’s tone let me know what a pain in the ass I was being. Two hundred plus bucks he gets for 25 mins of his time and I’m the pain for wanting to see my doctor once a month rather once every three months.

The school sent home a paper the other day dictating that the lice problem has gotten so bad, ALL children are required to be treated with the chemicals and an empty treatment bottle must be returned with the kid on the day they report back for inspection. Needless to say, I went fucking ballistic. My kid has a bad reaction to all those chemicals and they never work whereas my mayo treatment and hours of nitpicking work fabulously. Rather than fire off an angry email or whatever, I stewed. And yesterday I called the pediatrician’s office and talked to a nurse who assured me the school cannot force me to use chemicals known to harm my child and that they would provide doctor approved alternate treatments and a note for the school.

This shit has gotten out of control, the intrusion of the schools into our parental rights. It still maddens me because even if your kid doesn’t have a bad reaction, you should not be forced to use chemicals no matter how safe they are said to be. It’s dictatorial. Not to mention, they demand these specific treatments, give one day to get the kid treated and inspected, and don’t even realize…some of us don’t have ten bucks laying around at any given time to buy all this crap to use for their standards. Because the super lice have arrived and are resistant to all these existing treatments, that is why the problem is worse. Not because ALL parents are too lazy to treat the kid, the family and the home.

GRRR.

To top off all this fun, last night…I had a possum. INSIDE MY HOUSE. The cats have once again unfastened the duct work under the place (which it was unfastened when I moved in so bullshit that it’s my fault for having cats) and a goddamn hissing possum got in and was eating out of the cat food dish, so cavalier. All I could think is it was rabid and could get my kid or cats. I chased it into the spare bedroom, grabbed a thick blanket and wrestled the fucker and gently dropped it out the window.

Damn it all to hell. It just gets worse instead of better. And since mention of the L word even though they supposedly checked all the kids and mine was cleared…I’ve been itching like a mofo everywhere and my kid has had me check her scalp and she’s had dandruff since she was an infant so of course she always has little flakes in her hair. It’s driving me mad, all the homework, and edicts, and rules. I want to home school her even if it drives me out of my mind because I am going there anyway, might as well be on my own terms instead of the powers that be.

Ya wanna know how bad this dysphoria is? The seasonal depression? I watched the new Flash this morning and kept thinking, I don’t like this. BUT I DO LOVE THE FLASH. What the actual fuck is going on with me?

To top off the week thus far…It looks like once Trump takes over, net neutrality is in a coffin. Which if you don’t understand the concept…The internet will no longer be free range. They can put you in the slow lane, like dial up, no recourse. They can bundle your favorite sites like cable channels and make you pay even more.

And don’t get me started on the abortion “women will just have to go to another state”.

I am currently bonkers due to hormone fluctuations  but it would infuriate me on any given day cos some things are just plain IGNORANT.

I am so not amused.

In fact, Monday I was feeling all weepy but then angry, but then fragile like I had a target on me and could barely fetch the kid from school with all the masses of shrieking brats. Like they were all going to attack me. Logically I know this is stupid. In my current state…Everyone and everything is a threat.

So for now I do nothing to deal with the chihuahua or anything else. I wait til the hormones die down and I return to my normal bipolar state of being bonkers. Today I have to drive 30 miles to get my kid to the dentist for fillings. That should be fun on my current anxiety streak.

That concludes this rant.

Ranting makes me feel  better. The question isn’t why do I rant on my blog…Question is, why doesn’t EVERYONE rant on a blog? Might be less violence in the world if people would get out their anger and grievances this way before reacting.

What do I know. I live with possums.


Dodged That Bullet

I almost made a huge mistake last night.  Bob came in and I was packing my suitcases ready to leave.  He finally noticed and asked what was I doing, and I told him I was leaving.  He went into shock. But we managed to sit down and have a heart to heart talk.  I told him I was tired of being treated like dirt under his feet.  We had already had this talk once, and I told him that had been his warning.  He said he thought he had been doing better.  I said no. He finally acknowledged a few things he had been holding back on for a long time, and I just told him I was tired of being taken for granted all the time.  That I felt sick at the thought of leaving him but that I felt like he was giving me no choice.

SO I cried  a lot and woke up last night at 1:30 with a terrible sinus headache.  I finally got up and took something for it but did not sleep well.   SO I still feel terrible this morning. I’m praying that we can both work out what is bothering us.  I’m trying to figure out of if I need to go to my counselor quicker than I have scheduled.  I’m supposed to see her next week. I think I will just go get a massage and try to distress that way first and see if I feel any better.